I love having a teenager!

I was at the salon the other day and a nice guy was cutting my hair and we ended up talking about having teenagers.  He mentioned that he didn't know what that was like yet, but he wasn't looking forward to it.  I started talking about how much I was enjoying this new stage with my son becoming a teenager, and how I actually loved having a teenager.  He kept cutting, and had a quizzical look on his face as he said:
"I have never heard anyone say that before?"

So that's what brought on my blogging for today.

I think God must have put that into my DNA but I love to challenge the thinking of anything. Not in a negative way or trying to make someone wrong, I seriously just enjoy dissecting, mulling over, turning upside down, looking at every angle of every situation or statement made.  I am sure this annoys some people, and I am not trying to annoy you, but I seriously enjoy this process of finding out where someone is coming from, how they see the world, and how I see the world, leading  to always wondering God's perspective.  I have also learned to keep quiet in this process within myself, unless it seems helpful or encouraging.  So my intention in this blog is always to encourage a new thought process, not to say yours is wrong.

I love seeing all his diff styles he tries

As Daniel (my 13 1/2 yr old) has started to grow into the young man that he is becoming, I have seriously enjoyed the process of watching his maturity, his mistakes, his learning, his wisdom, and his new thought processes.  It is so enjoyable to see him try out this new life as he makes new friends, finds his niche, tries new things, and just experiments with life as he goes. I have felt such peace and reassurance as I know that my husband and I are in this together.  There are times that I know I am overreacting as a mom and I check in with Ruslan to make sure Daniel isn't being too daring, too harsh, too mean, too risky, too independent, isn't pushing the limits too much etc...Ruslan is there to reassure me that he is only a boy, and a teenager.  I love the trust we have built and are still building as we entrust Daniel with more and see his responsibility strengthen his foundation, and we entrust more to him.  A few keys that we have found extremely helpful in this process are the following:

Not getting upset when I want to experiment with more photos :)

Be transparent/honest

I have learned that I myself have to be completely honest and real with my feelings and and let Daniel know when I get my feelings hurt by him.  We have to admit when we hurt him and apologize for stepping on his toes, or making a decision without finding out his heart on it first.  Also we have had to make it VERY clear how important honesty is on his behalf.  If we can't trust his word then we can't trust him to be away from us, because we can't see what he's doing all the time.  He has learned to value this trust and keep that bridge strong, he wants privileges, and above all he truly wants us to be proud of him.  
It's not always easy to be honest about when I get my feelings hurt or when I need to be strong on an issue that I know he won't like,  but I see our relationship changing and maturing.  As he becomes a friend to us in some ways and we with him, he always knows we are still the Parents and he may not always agree with our decision but he too has to trust us and our heart for his best.  We have to tell him when his joking with us crosses the line, or when it's perfectly appropriate.  

 

Trust him/ equip him - know that he WILL make mistakes

 I was so excited when I asked the Lord a few years ago, "OK Lord what is my role as Mama, with Daniel now as he is shifting from training and discipline?"
I immediately heard the Holy Spirit say, "Equipping."
I was thrilled, my spirit got excited, I knew this would be a fun stage. I love to equip people, and part of that is beginning to trust them and entrust them with things to grow and learn in.  I don't have to be so involved in training and discipline so much but listening, coming alongside, offering suggestions, correcting critiquing (occasionally, but mostly encouraging), hearing how he processes, listening to his thoughts and ideas on how to handle situations, guiding him with his ideas, admitting that I don't have all the answers but have a lot of experience to share.  Enjoying who he becomes.  Knowing that Ruslan and I have a strong relationship and that in itself is a HUGE safe haven for Daniel to learn and grow from.

Be involved/be interested in what he's interested in his life
I love watching him in his new world.  We all remember the day he decided to go long boarding for the first time in our neighborhood about a year and a half ago, and suddenly he befriended half the neighborhood. :)
 He is learning how to be a peer, how to serve others and consider them as people, how to help his friends in their struggles with life, how to make wise decisions in the midst of pressure from friends to do things he knows aren't the right choice for him, how to stand up for his beliefs and morals.  Ruslan and I love asking Daniel how his time was with his friends and just listening to how their time is spent, the silly things they do, the not so wise things they sometimes try (and we make clear boundaries again), and we know he probably doesn't tell us every single thing but we trust his heart and he wants to do what is right and good, he wants God's best for his life when it all comes down to thinking that through.

Connect him to God/live that example

I know without a doubt God's got Daniel's back. I also know that Daniel without a doubt knows who God is.  We have taught about God our whole lives, but not only that he has seen God be a reality in our lives.  He has learned to hear God for himself and spend time with Him to make Him a priority.  I am not saying he does this all the time, but he knows that's what he wants, God has revealed Himself to Daniel and spoken personally to him about his life.  That is something only God can do and I am thankful that we could lead him in that direction to find God.  Daniel knows he can always come to us for questions about God and seeing our example of daily living in communication with the living Holy Spirit.  This bring so much peace to my life and heart as a Mama. 

I love seeing him interact with his lil sister, seeing him play piano

Listen

This in itself can be one of the MOST valuable tools of all next to God of course.  So many times I get myself in trouble with just spouting out my way of seeing things with what I think Daniel means
and then half way through I think about the fact that I didn't even ask any clarifying questions or where he was coming from, or if he has more information.  I have to be a safe place for him to process out loud, with out coming in like a sledge hammer with my ways of doing things or seeing things.  Especially because we are the complete opposite in relating to people.  I have no problem with verbal processing, boldness and openness and saying what I really feel (in love of course) he on the other hand is a peace maker and is very pensive about how he makes someone feel, he wants people to feel safe and loved and cared for (which is an incredible gift), I even learn from him now in some things, it's such a beautiful exchange and growth that happens as we too as parents are vulnerable and real, but still knowing our place as the final authority and having more wisdom in experience and years than this new teenager (even if at first he forgets this :)).

Am I a good Mom?

Am I a good Mom?

 
I have been a "Mama" now for 13 1/2 years! Wow! Just writing that feels like an accomplishment in itself, I feel like patting myself on the back right now simply thinking of all those sleepless nights, all that nursing, changing diapers, dealing with tempers, potty training four times, dealing with owies, thankfully no broken bones,  loving my children through everything, my children loving me through all of my mistakes, the power of grace and forgiveness, cooking ALL those meals, doing all those never ending dishes! WOW! I am suddenly feeling better about my beginning question. And I still have years and years to go!

Wow Mom (Lynn), I still sit in awe and wonder at how you did this 10 times????


One thing that I have recognized is that this unnerving unrelenting question always comes back to poke at me, daring me to question myself.  Maybe I am not a good Mom, maybe I am failing? What if I thought I was doing OK but come to find out, I really am ruining my children and their future, and not teaching them enough about God, or how to be successful in this life?
I start to get that sinking feeling inside of pure failure, and total hopelessness... discouragement.  Then I start being really grumpy with my whole family as if I can't do good enough anyway, might as well prove that it's true, I have no idea how to be the perfect Mom, I don't know all the answers, I don't know how to "train them in the way they should go aggggg!!!!!!!!!"
Then I remember... and I head to my room to be alone withe Lord.
"Father, am I failing as a Mom am I doing anything right? Are my children going to grow up and forget who You are?  Will they be successful and live out their dreams, are they smart enough through homeschooling to be successful at real jobs and find careers that they will thrive in?"


"Daddy, what is the lie I am believing right now?"
"That it's all up to you."
I begin crying, then sobbing, releasing all the pressure back on the shoulders of the One who bore it all for me, for my children, for this whole entire world!
"Oh Father, how silly I can be, thinking I could have all the answers, all the perfect ways to raise up my children, I can't even think what to make for dinner sometimes, and you even help me with that.  Thank you that you have always been so faithful to me, and always there for us, thank you that I have my amazing husband and best friend, Ruslan who helps to remind me as well that I am not failing, that I am forgivable in my mistakes, that I will make more mistakes and it's still OK."

"My perfect love casts out ALL fear"
More sobs.

"Oh My God, My perfect, perfect God, thank YOU that your love is perfect and without conditions, that your love can bring perfect peace to even the biggest issues in life.  I release the fears and the lies that I am supposed to be perfect and have all the answers regarding my children.  Thank you for all the amazing people in my life who are willing to come alongside our family and love us and for our church who also helps train my children in the way they should go too.  That you are bringing mentors alongside my older son to train him in things I don't even have talent for.  I love your ways oh God, you've got my back don't you? I am no alone.  Thank you for my Mom who pioneered the way for me to also homeschool and feel that we can do that, thank you for my sister who home schools her daughter and has home schooled her boys through high school and gives me advice and wisdom...I am not alone.  Thank you for technology and people who are willing to put tutorials out there for those of us who are wanting to learn more in areas we aren't trained in yet or even gifted in."
I love that saying: "It takes a village to raise a child"
I LOVE that I AM NOT ALONE in this! 

What if we've had it all backwards with our lives?

What if we are supposed to raise our children and be there for our children and THEN pursue our "career" after the children have grown? Or to intentionally find things to make a living that involve our children?

Joel and his Papa

 

Now I know this might sound ridiculous to some and especially for some who have waited til a lot later to have children, but what if there's truth in this?

my hot rugged man working from home

Love his availability for coffee dates!

I have thought a lot about the state that we are in right now as our family has grown and years have passed and Ruslan has off and on wondered why he isn't still successful in the standards of this society.  He doesn't have the career that he imagined he would at this age (37) the money or the house that he pictured as a matter of fact we are still renting.  Each time we approach the subject it seems that God is continually pointing to the faithfulness of my husband, the great success he has had in being there for our children, in becoming the most amazing father husband ever (in our lives)!  I only see great fruit from the fact that Ruslan never got tied up or caught up in being at work all the time or studying for his degree so long he missed out on the children.

Melt my heart moments of Papa and Daughter

 

I know this might be touchy for some, and I am NOT saying that those things are wrong, not at all.  I am just wondering WHEN those things are actually supposed to come into play in a person's life who wants to have children and a family, a husband, or a wife.  I have seen the fruit of our children's lives as they have had total access to their parents and availability and openness to talk and discuss life with them.  My heart has exploded with the joy and deep satisfaction of watching my husband be interested in my teenage sons life, asking him every time he returns from time with friends, "How'd it go? What are your friends up to lately (knowing their names) truly finding interest in what Daniel does and what he's into.  I have seen the security in our teenager knowing that he is loved always, and protected, held accountable taught about the consequences of his decisions, heard, and that he is known.  

Watching my 2 year old daughter be able to climb up on Daddy's lap being welcomed every time and applauded as she comes in saying "woot Papa, woot!"(Look! Look!) As he adoringly gasps with pleasure at her new outfit I just put on her.

As we are considering the prospect of Ruslan working outside the home asking the children what their thoughts are, each one asking:

 "Does that mean Papa would be gone everyday?" (Joel`6 yrs)

"It's OK we don't need him to work somewhere else, because we have enough money, I really like Papa being home everyday." (Ian 10 yrs)

"I really like being able to visit with Papa everyday whenever I want to." (Daniel 13 yrs)

 

I am starting to hear a very clear message here.

I think it's in the heart of every child to have access to their parents, not to have the big house the beautiful car, the fun "things" without the parents being available.

I realize we have to make a living to raise a family, but I think there's more to it than that.

Our children need us. They desperately need us.  I just don't want us to fall into the trap of the "norm of society" that we are to sacrifice our children for our career.

Love his hands with hers

 

I honestly wonder if we aren't supposed to sacrifice our career and success for our children, or find things that make us still available to them, until they have come out of their very tender, mold-able, easily influenced state. I don't even know how that would look fully. But it's something I have really been pondering. I have seen the beautiful fruit in the security and solidness of our children as both my husband and I have been SO extremely blessed to have been able to be stay at home parents for the last 8 years (myself all of their lives-amazingly enough).

All I know is that I remember after getting married and seeing that my husband had to go to work everyday from 8-5, as I stayed home alone waiting for our son to bloom and grow inside my belly, I thought: 

"This is not what I signed up for! God I don't want to just be hone alone and not have my husband except for a few hours in the evening and weekends? I want more than this. I know it might sound ridiculous and impossible God, but I want my husband home, and I want him to be available to our children as they come into our lives."

I see that God heard my cry and He's willing to work with anyone who cries out for more, He makes a way where there seems to be NO WAY. Wow Lord God you are so faithful, thank you!

 

Don't be afraid to ask for the impossible, He wants to show you that with Him all things are possible, how awesome is that! Don't be afraid to think outside the "norm" of life and the cycles or ruts we've gotten caught up into, we may not even recognize that we are stuck in some things. Don't be afraid to ask for more than you have.

Dr. Suess prophesies again!

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."      

Dr. Seuss 

 

I just finished watching The Lorax, and I really felt inspired to write this blog. I literally was yelping and jumping up and down praising Jesus for the HOPE that is in His kingdom, I was yelling out "Thank You Jesus! You are so real, you are so exciting, woo hoo!" 

As Joel knowingly smiled at me, used to his Mama and her spontaneous out-bursts.

Oh my gosh! This saying excites me soooooo much!! 

Dr. Seuss is so prophetic!  I just love that he wrote these books years and years ago and isn't even alive and yet they are speaking into NOW today for us.

I don't know if many of you remember "Horton Hears a Who" and when it came out, but it debuted soon after Lou Engle talked about how God gave one of his students a dream about Dr. Seuss books and it was about that specific book that later became a movie.  It was in answer to their many prayers for abortion to stop.  God was speaking of the value of even one voice one tiny unborn voice and that "a person's a person no matter how small."

I just LOVE how God speaks to all of us and whoever is tuned in, even the unsaved people, they move forward with God's ideas.   So now as I watched the Lorax I saw so many parallels in what God is saying to us today.  Starting with confirming Josh's word at Christ's Center from last Sunday about planting that seed!  If God is telling you to plant a seed (give a hug, an encouraging word, call that friend, talk to that Mom, kiss your husband, rub your child's back, forgive that person that hurt you, reconcile with your sister, say hi to your neighbor, etc...) then do it! Don't worry about the outcome or don't take responsibility for the harvest, God brings the harvest, God plows the ground, we just get to partner with Him and listen to His heart and obey when He guides.  Each one of us has influence wherever we are. We can't look at our country and just assume we are doomed and that these big people, government, can just take over and tell us how to live, we must be asking God, what is our part? What can I do as a housewife, mother, photographer? What is my role Father? 

I loved how in the Lorax, it was the Grandmother who was speaking to the young boy reminding him of the past, history, and encouraging him to seek out the roots of the country what we were founded on? Then it was her who rode the scooter along side him as he raced to plant the seed that was given to him, to restart our present and begin a new legacy.  Not all on his own but WITH his family and his grandmother.  They were a team.  It was even the grandma that "broke up the fallow ground!"  The whole city had become one mind that had completely gone astray from their roots and their beginnings.  I am continually amazed at how powerless we can become when we start going along with popular belief.  If each of us will rise up where we are at and ASK GOD, "what is my role?" He will tell you.  You, personally and specifically, have a seed to plant!

I have been asking God and I have felt Him strongly remind me that my role is to be a voice, a voice of truth in any way I can.  It's starting in my home valuing family and putting family before career or success, putting God before family and making TIME for Him as a priority.  Loving my husband with my whole heart having a healthy loving marriage as an example to my children (the next generation).  My role is portraying God's beauty and reminding people of the greatness of God and His fun beautiful creative side, that brings joy life and celebration, through photography.  Allowing people to see the treasure in themselves through photography and encouraging words and prophecy.  As i have embraced these roles, I no longer feel powerless in the face of fear or politics or all the craziness happening in the world, because I am sowing GOOD seed, for a generation of purity, Christ mindedness, faithful marriages, whole relationships between family, honest business practices, a confident self image and worth in Christ not in the world's opinion of me.  I can honestly say I am living another of Dr. Seuss's prophetic statements:

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss

This is how I feel about God and all that's brewing in His heart and mine

 

Please just STOP right this moment and ask, it doesn't have to be a long involved intercessory hour or hours, simply ask:

"Father what is the seed you have for ME to plant in my sphere of influence, starting today, right now?"

Now write down whatever He impressed on your heart and DO IT! :) And He may give you an answer for today or for the theme of your life, but always check back in ask daily. It's really quite fun!!

 

 

 

"Babies come from where???!"

I will never forget the hilarious jaw dropping, face contorting expression, Ian got on his face when I told him where babies made their entrance into this world. It has been quite a fun journey training these boys in the ways of life. :)

I have found that children are often the ones (in a healthy home, with freedom to ask questions) to let us know when they are needing more information.  I was unsure with my first son, being the first, when to give WHAT information. As I am on my 4th child and have learned as they've grown, I have loved seeing how each one is different as well.  But one pattern I have noticed is their curiosity and questioning seems to peak at about the same times in life.  I have found that when they ask a question I give them a little bit of info. if they aren't satisfied they ask for more, so I give more.  Sometimes a very basic answer was all they needed. Sure enough a few weeks, or even months later, they have a new question regarding the same issue.  For example Joel was asking where Abi came out of my body.  I asked him where he thought she came out.  He proceeded to suggest maybe from my belly, my foot, my side, and I just kept saying no, and pretty soon he was distracted and running off to go play wit his brother.  I didn't even need to explain yet.

Also it's good to pay attention to how the kids are reacting to things, for example.  One of my sons at about 7 years old seemed to be reacting VERY strongly to anything mentioning kissing, or when a revealing scene would flash on a movie that we would skip, or even the mention of the word sex, even if referring to gender.  So I was asking the Lord about it and asking my son questions about how it made him feel or was he afraid of something etc...He wasn't quite sure.  I found some great books (found here) about the basics of sex and reproduction, because I could tell there was some misunderstanding on his behalf.  As we started reading these books in the room just he and I, every time I read the word sex, he would make that face, or make a zerber sound cuz he was so embarrassed.  Finally I said, "OK honey, let's pray and ask God if there is a lie you are believing about sex, or if sometime in your life you learned it's something bad?"
He agreed and we prayed.
Immediately he remembered someone freaking out and shaming him for accidentily saying the word "sex when he was about four years old." It was another kid who had said, "Don't ever say that word! It's bad! Don't ever say that again!"
So he repeated after me:
"I break agreement with the lie that sex is bad."
 Then he asked God what His thoughts were about sex.
God told him it wasn't bad if it was in marriage.
I was so excited for him hearing God and I could see the shame lifting off of him, it was so precious.
We finished the book series and he was able to repeat the word sex with out hiding his face, making noises, or contorting his face. :)

I am so thankful to have God involved in the process of raising kids, because only He knows their every thought, and He has been so faithful to help me recognize things that I might not have seen.  He also knows exactly what they need when I feel clueless.

If you yourself feel uncomfortable answering the "scary" questions with your children, or learning to call them out and ask them the hard questions, then you yourself should ask God if there are any lies you have been believing regarding sex or informing your children in this area.  Children are very attentive and receptive, and they know if you are uncomfortable to discuss this and they too will feel some sort of shame about it.  The good news is God can heal us in this area, He has brought a lot of healing and clarity to me. I am so thankful!  Once he reveals the lies to you or brings up some memories of times when you got the wrong impression of sexual things then ask God to reveal the lies and break agreement with them.  You can also ask if there is anyone you may need to forgive.

I would love to hear any questions you might have regarding this issue.

There is resistance to slowing down

www.jkalashnikovphoto.com

We are enjoying listening to the Loving on Purpose  parenting series by Danny Silk in our homegroup.  I absolutely love it! I get so frustrated every time when I see all the places I haven't been applying the things I've learned and yet so encouraged by the awesome perspective and clear vision of what Danny presents, and how valuable parenting is. This is my husband and my 3rd time through this and each time we learn something new, and apply something more. 

As we were watching this last session, I was seeing Danny's extremely patient demeanor, and the process he mentions walking the kids through, and I am sitting there thinking, SO MUCH TIME! It takes so much time, to get the the heart of an issue with the children, or to stop and clean up a mess with them teaching them to clean their own mess, helping them with options and choices, (it takes time and creativity to even think of good choices to offer sometimes), it takes time to help the child get to the place of cleaning up his mess in forgiving his brother from a true place of repentance instead of just plopping down an "I'm sorry!" Then I began to realize, "well if I would just take the TIME, to stop what I am doing and give the time needed, then I actually could handle doing all this responsible parenting." :) 
 Some days I do really well, and some days I get so caught up in my activities that I forget what and who the priority is.  I have begun to recognize when I am getting too hurried. If I am in the kitchen rushing around cleaning off counter tops, swinging around to wash the dishes and GET REALLY ANNOYED when one of my darling children walk in and I almost run into them. Or when I am racing to get my son to bed so I can have my down time, and I feel UNDONE when he wants me to come read to him and I just don't feel like it! When I am so focused on my task: blogging (supposedly helping others learn things in my process of learning haha), editing photos, making dinner, painting, wanting to have an alone time with the Lord...I start to see when once again I allowed other things to come before the kids. I am not saying that I can't do those things, but when I continually am getting frustrated at the kids for needing my help, or asking so many questions, or just wanting Mama to not be busy, then I am saying I need to pull back from my activities and put them first.

The same thing happens in my desire to spend alone time with the Lord, often I feel the wooing of the Holy Spirit to steal away for a moment and just rest in His beautiful presence and it's very tempting and I actually really WANT to, I feel the excitement in my spirit and yet I find myself suddenly on Facebook, or blogging, or finding a snack to munch on, or sitting down to "check out" in front of an entertaining sitcom.  Not that that those things are bad (I had my days of being extremely religious about them being bad), but I notice the PULL towards distractions. It's very constant daily, and there is an extreme resistance to slowing down, just sitting and letting your mind rest and receive or be renewed in His sweet peaceful presence, instead of filling, doing, learning, accomplishing! I find that when I am finally sitting, and lately I notice that sometimes that is only in the bathroom on the "throne," I realize oops I did it again, I haven't taken time to slow down today, because it feels so nice and I really start to hear and see a lot clearer, I get better strategy for the day, I don't feel like I am in constant GO mode.  

Soooooo I have been asking the Lord for wisdom (James 1, if you ask for wisdom you will get it!) and guidance, to recognize when I am being too driven, and not slowing down, because I function SO much better when I have a plan, I am nicer to people and MUCH more patient, when I am not always moving forward to accomplish my plans. I take time to squeeze my son and tell him how much I love his sense of humor, I stop and watch the silly video they have been begging me to see, I don't miss the Que of a moment where I untied heart strings in my snapping at my son.  I don't get annoyed when my husband stops me and kisses me as I am rushing down the hall to put away laundry.  Being in a hurry robs me of the present, cuz I am always pushing towards the future. Holy Spirit let it not be so in my life.

When I slow down things become much more handle-able.

I found God in my house!

My latest fun painting, I really enjoyed painting this, the butterflies are stickers :) It's sitting in my kitchen right now and it makes me so happy!

A few days ago Ian came in and said, "I'm bored Mama, what can I do?" I replied, "Did you have your time with God today?"
"ummm...no, yeah, I'll go do that now."
"I want you to go ahead and have some worship with Joel and help him practice worshiping and listening to God too."
They were excited but they wanted the door closed to the kitchen because they didn't want me to be "spying on them."

Fifteen minutes later, Ian came in all excited flashing an adorable Ian grin, and said he wanted to share about what he had seen.  He told me he saw Neptune on a lion in the sky.  I didn't even know who neptune was, but Ian did of course (he loves facts!).  So I asked him what he thought it meant, and he wasn't sure. I encouraged him to go and ask God what it meant.  He ran off with Joel on his tail.  Again he returned and said he saw a random person looking something up on wikipedia (I love how specificially God speaks to children)!  I told him that sometimes when I feel like Jesus is showing me something, I look up some of the things on wikipedia to let the natural speak of the invisible. He ran off all excited to see what he might find.  He returned a little disappointed, "There's so much about Neptune in the Roman mythology."
Well honey, how I do it is, I just read until something interesting stands out to me.
He ran off.
He came back all smiles, "Well the thing that stood out to me, was "the marriage of Heaven and earth."
I told him he should definitely write down what the Lord shows him so that he remembers how much God talks to him. He agreed.
Now I was even more excited!

So as I have been pondering this cool vision that Ian got, I have thought a lot about  how for so many years I had a tendency to separate the natural things from the spiritual things, only in the last couple years I have started seeing it from God's perspective. I had this wrong picture of being a Christian which separated me from the world in a more critical sense. Also things like separating "boring life things" from "exciting Spiritual things." I really didn't know that it was all related if I was a Christian.  I sort of passed up scriptures like:

1 Cor. 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it ALL for the glory of God."

^{Romans 1:20
 "}For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. "

I knew that I was supposed to have quiet times with the Lord and I wanted to have quiet times, I did enjoy them.  But I started to notice that I would feel guilty if I didn't get a chance to have a "quiet time" and then I would feel like I was failing as a Christian and wasn't putting God first etc...the more I thought about it the more I realized somehow I was separating my life from God. By compartmentalizing Him, He was at Church, in my quiet times,  in my prayer time with the kids, in my intercession time...you get the point.

Now many years later, getting set free from a religious spirit (testimony to come someday :)). I have really seen that tendency in many lives of others as well, and I want to help people see that it doesn't have to be that way. I was extremely blessed by a teaching "Precious Vs. Important" that Jason Hague recently shared at our Church, Christ's Center. He is very eloquent at presenting concepts and revelations in such a clear concise way.  I was so excited to to hear God bringing this revelation to others as well.
I have been trying to be more intentional in focusing in and fully being where I am, when I am doing what I am doing, whether it's laundry, dishes, prayer, reading, computer time, worship or whatever. I intentionally take a moment to thank the Holy Spirit for being with me, for making anything I do become so much more life giving and enjoyable.  I so quickly feel His sweet presence as I take a moment in whatever I am doing to fully embrace His presence.  I also find that I recognize a lot more ways that God speaks to me, and I am not so afraid of reading into symbolism, or embracing the simple ways He truly can reveal things to me, it's super exciting.  I feel so much more free in my relationship to God and see so much clearer, as He has been teaching me to embrace my present, and not always be thinking about the future, or my "destiny," or feeling like I failed in the past.  I am living my destiny and I am enjoying knowing that I am not missing out on "more important things."  God knew a huge season of my life would be raising my children and being a wife, and He also knows all the things He put inside of me that might come after my season of "Mama," but it doesn't mean I have to wait to let out all this passion burning inside of me, I do it at home all the time with my kids, with my husband, with my neighbors, in the grocery store, at the movies, EVERYWHERE!

I was so tickled when one of my dreams came true in 2008 and we would be moving to Redding, Ca, to attend Bethel church!  I was super excited to be involved in such an incredible move of God and I imagined I would want to be at every meeting and trying out everything they offered.  My husband even had to make sure that I understood I still had to be a Mom and his wife, I couldn't just disappear into "spirit land." I agreed. Well the funny thing was I found myself recognizing in those two and half years, how much God was the same God at my house as he was at Bethel Church.  I began having major encounters with the living God on my living room floor.  I also had the joy of joining a prophetic prayer group of MOMS and wives, who would get together and just love on God, and experience His manifest presence in their home!  One of the biggest things I learned was how much God was real in my home and in my family and in my marriage.  We got to take a lot of great things from Bethel as well, but this was the biggest one for me, we fully took God into our home and our family, no more leaving Him at Church or in the room, or in the prayer group. 

Russian American Life of the Kalashnikovs "VIDEO"

Soooooo, here was my thought...My heart is always to help you or anyone learn things the faster smoother way if possible (besides what we seem to only learn by trials and error), and to know you are NOT ALONE.  I have always thought it would be fun to try and make a "show" of our family life, because growing up I always loved those type of shows.  Well this is OBVIOUSLY a home video type quality and professionalism...
BUT a girl can dream right!  
So I decided to just give it a shot...then that got me thinking... hey maybe we can do this regularly and MAYBE it would be helpful to someone just to see the "normalness" of our life in the midst of reality, but with a twist of playfulness of course, and maybe we could address real issues of families, and maybe we could even teach parents about how to bring the reality of God's connection to His kids (our kids), and maybe we could just have a lot of fun while helping other families learn and be reminded of the incredible value God places on FAMILY and marriage! Yeah, that would be awesome!  And since I reeeeeeeally have a heart to remind mother's of their MAJOR role in raising up these: world changers, business people, world leaders, grocery store clerks, dentists, presidents, mothers, fathers, professors, preachers, teachers etc...MAYBE this could help them be reminded of that too! AND I would be able to share all this amazing stuff (that God has been revealing to me through encounters, revelation, life, and passed on from my Mother of course, and people who have sown into me) with out even leaving my home, because that is where my most important job is right now, right here in the home with my children and husband.  

So there ya have it.  If you have 7 Minutes, here is our first attempt at a glimpse into the Russian Family Life of the Kalashnikovs - living life, loving God, and raising up the next generation :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_QW500l_pc













www.jkalashnikovphoto.com
(my wedding photography and more)

ASK MORE QUESTIONS!!! :)

Ask more questions! 


Growing up there was sort of an unspoken rule from my Dad that you don't ask questions, you just do what's asked of you.  My Mom on the other hand wanted us to ask questions more, but she herself wasn't aware that she didn't ask us a lot of questions when teaching us something so we thought that meant we shouldn't ask questions either.  Today it's fun to be able to talk with my Mom and learn more about her perspective as opposed to my child's view.  I am so thankful to have a good relationship with my Mom and to be able to grow closer even more today.

    As I have discovered that, I have wanted to apply that to my children, by asking more questions.  Along with that I have noticed that it's so easy to live my life with out communicating my feelings and emotions, or my process of healing with God, or things going on with my husband,  to my children... I am not saying I share everything, but I have found that sharing my process out loud clears up a lot of misunderstandings for the kids.  Even just explaining why some days I am more moody than others, or if Ruslan and I are having an argument, explaining that I am frustrated but not at them. Also asking them if it scares them when we argue in front of them sometimes.  They have said sometimes it bothers them but mostly they have recognized it's not leading to something dangerous like divorce, and I feel it's important to have them see that a marriage isn't perfect and we do have our bad days and have to work through disputes just like them as siblings.  They obviously can fully relate to that one. I have noticed that it's just natural for me to go talk to my husband or friends or siblings about my issues or revelations, or great ideas, or God encounters...and I still forget sometimes to share some of that with the kids.  Therefore I have had to make a point of learning to talk OUT LOUD to my kids when God does something neat in my life, or when I am frustrated about something, or when I am working through a challenge, or even talking about the fact that I am still learning how to be a better Mom with them.  And it's so fun too to hear their hearts and ideas, and to hear their life struggles, I have noticed it stimulates them to talk more about what's going on inside of them as well.  I absolutely LOVE hearing the inner workings of my children's minds and hearts, they give me great insight at times. Plus their perspective is just awesome.  This all leads to an openness to just step right into ministering to them as well, whether it be praying through a difficult situation with a friend or dealing with thoughts that they don't understand, or worries they have, or fears about God or the future, puberty, a confusing thing they saw on T.V. something someone said to them etc...  I can't always be sure that they are telling me everything but I trust that they have learned by example that it's good to share your heart OUT LOUD so that they can get input and insight and not feel all alone in a family where they are so loved.  

We have also been working on being aware of love languages, I wrote them on the dry erase board so that I would remember who has what and in what order, because they each have two primary love languages.  It's so fun to purposely love on them in their love language, I can totally see the look of fulfillment in their sparkling eyes when I speak out those encouraging words, or give a tight squeeze as one of them is about to run off to play a game.  I still forget some days and raise my voice (the kiss of death) to my "words Of affirmation" child, or get annoyed when my "physical touch" child is crawling in my lap squirming around and putting his head right in front of the work I am trying to complete on the computer, etc...But I have stopped being so hard on myself (most days) and realize the other grace that I have found in talking through things, is I can just as easily re-tie strings of emotional connection that I untied, if I am willing to humble myself and apologize for my harsh words or short fuse, and they are so quick to forgive. 

I have been so THANKFUL when they do ask questions about misunderstandings because I would have been so sad to have them think something was a certain way when it wasn't! For example:
We were driving in the car and talking about gifts and I happened to be telling Ruslan that I found out "gifts" is my 3rd love language and I hadn't realized that, all these years.  So then we were talking about gifts and what we like and don't like.  Ruslan starts to tell me that he really does NOT like getting candy as a gift for some reason, and at that moment he happens to look back and Ian is listening in, and suddenly Ruslan remembers Ian's last gift to Ruslan was CANDY! And he can see by the look in Ian's questioning embarrassed eyes that a wrong message was just sent!
"Oh no, Ian I DID NOT mean that at all. I mean I totally love it when it's from my kids, because there is a major salary difference there, it's the heart that matters to me, it means a lot to me that you would pay your own money to buy me anything.  I love when you get me candy Ian. I hope you understand what I meant."
Ian was put back at ease as he understood his Papa's explanation. And said "Oh ok, I was wondering?" 
 I even said after that, I am so glad we noticed you listening Ian! And I always want you to ask questions if you are confused or hurt like that, I would have been so sad to think you might have thought Papa didn't like your gift. We all got a good laugh, and "Phewww!" moment.

"Let the Little Children Come." Jesus (How we as parents teach them this)

Boys will be boys! I thank God for the adventure of boys :)

As some of you know I sent out a question about requests for subjects to blog about AND I got some replies, yay! So on behalf of those responses I will start with the first one I got.

How to teach your children about God and to come into His Presence.

One of my FAVORITE subjects!!!

This has been the cry of my heart since the day I found out I was pregnant with my first son Daniel! Thirteen years forward and three children added to our clan, I am STILL learning this wonderful concept, of teaching my kids this very thing.

One thing that comes to mind is understanding that we don't have to TEACH them in order for them to understand that God is the right choice, but so that they can MEET Him and find out themselves that there is nothing greater!  I believe God's goodness and love is so intense and so fulfilling that even our children cannot deny the incredible power of His love.  I used to feel the pressure was all on me to "cover all the bases" of Christianity, and God's ways etc...and that pressure was horrible!  I always felt like I was coming up short.  I felt this constant nagging, of "not enough! not good enough! not enough." As I got that revelation suddenly my focus began to change.  

"You mean all I need to do is encounter you more so that I can bring them in with me, Lord?"

I used to feel that I needed to have prayer every morning and read the Bible and have prayer with them, because that was how we were raised and so that must be what I need to do to.  But every time I tried so hard to make it happen, the worse the prayer time would be.  I had such an expectation they could all feel it, so they would immediately be reacting out of rebellion against my "law" and I would get so angry that no one was interested in God, supposedly ;).  Sometimes, even my husband could feel my pressure, and I felt that He wasn't even supporting me in this (he just didn't want to do it religiously, as I didn't recognize I was doing).  Ruslan would join us and be there but I could feel his lack of participation, and I just couldn't understand why, until later.  I had an extremely high expectation on him too because of knowing how important it was for the kids to see that "Papa" also loved God and put Him first, and I was afraid if they saw any kind of lack of interest from their dad then they too would lack interest (I had a lot of rules in my head of how things should be).

I remember one hard morning when I decided I AM NOT GONNA BE RELIGIOUS, I just want us to see what God wants to do or to show us, we will just have a good ol time.  Well for some reason the boys decided to be completely rambunctious and not quiet down or listen when I was trying to share something etc...and I broke!  "I just want us to spend some time with GOD! What the Hell!!! I yelled (haha I laugh even as I write that).  The moment those words came out I felt so embarrassed and it was so ironic linking the words hell together with God, how silly could I be!! What kind of picture was I giving them of God, a pissed mad Mama trying to force them into wanting to spend time with this "serious" God. No! That's not at all what I wanted!  I got up and somewhat sarcastically said, "I am going to my room to spend time with God, it's fine if you guys don't want to, I do."
As I was in the room I could just feel the grace of God all over me, He was so fine with my blow out, He wasn't shocked at all, yeah He didn't like my kids being yelled at either, but He knew my heart for them and He was letting me know I needed to lighten up on MYSELF, so I would give more slack to my kids as well.  I literally could feel the joy of the Lord pulsing through me as I began to laugh out loud, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I could feel walls of religious rules falling down, walls of false responsibility crumbling down, walls of fear of messing up my kids, walls of shame breaking down, and He just kept washing over me with this incredible unconditional love.  "Oh Lord, this is what I want my kids to experience, this is who You really are, Father help me to teach them about this!"  
I could just hear him whispering, "Patience, just give it time, you focus on getting filled up with My love, so you have something to give them."


(I will continue on this subject more. I feel like little bits at a time is better than too much, so that you have time to ponder these things and apply if you like before getting more information to add to all the information that we get these days. :))

Hope For Ruslan and Jessica Part 4

There were definitely times we connected on a fun level, but I never knew if Ruslan could tell how much I liked him now, because he was really good at completely HIDING his feelings, IF he had any for me??? We played a lot of volleyball on teams, Jeni and I hung out a lot at the pool with Ruslan and sometimes others too. Jeni and I attempted pushing him in, and found ourselves both in the pool and Ruslan with a hurt thumb or something. I pretty much always tried to be near him whether he realized or not, I didn't care, I just really liked being around him. I was always so interested to see when God was touching Ruslan or speaking something to him through different speakers who came to our school I wanted to know God's heart for him too. I was once again even more impressed with this powerful man of God. He was also an excellent speaker. We did this project where we were supposed to write about a characteristic of God, funny, loving, joyful , etc...and then share our insights with the class. We pretty much all felt shamed by our presentation compared to Ruslan's, he had a natural talent for speaking, I was so proud.

Also some really revealing shallowness on my behalf, I remember watching him play basketball for the first time and being unimpressed, and that was one of the first months of knowing him. I hadn't seen anything else yet, but I do remember wondering if I could like someone who wasn't good at sports, haha! (I hadn't seen him play soccer yet) Yes I had some vanity, big time! Thankfully God started revealing to me more of what really mattered.

Finally! It was a week before leaving for our outreach to China and all of our money had come in, which we were doubtful would happen. But miraculously both Ruslan and I received the rest of our money anonymously, and unexpectedly myself, from my Great Grandfather Poppy, whom I don't even think really supported the whole idea of what I was doing...but I knew he did love me, God is good.

I felt released to give Ruslan ANOTHER letter...DONT WORRY!, not a stomp on your heart type of letter, but a letter asking if we could at least still continue getting to know each other as friends and not lose that, which was really valuable to me. I also apologized for hurting him, and said some other stuff. I took the letter to him and asked if I could talk to him. This time I literally read it out loud to him telling him it was easier for me to read the letter so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to say. I was really nervous and felt kinda cheesy, but I kept reading. I finished it up, and asked,

“So, do you think we could at least be friends?”

Not surprising, he basically said, “Sure.” and walked away.

I know I probably deserved that. But hey there was HOPE!.. I think.

The next week we left for China, Ruslan got stopped in Canada with visa/passport issues again, and he had to fly alone separate from the team, because he actually had to take a different airline. I was so bummed to be flying with out him, (he wouldn't arrive til late after us). I had already concocted a plan how to sit next to him on the plane, darn it!

You can see why sometimes asians would come up to me and start speaking to me wondering why I couldn't understand them! :) I guess I did kinda blend in

The next morning after we arrived in Hong Kong, I woke up and came out of my room anticipating Ruslan's arrival. As I was walking down the hallway I saw his shoes in front of the guys room, I could feel my heart flutter! “Oh, Lord, I so want this to work out?!!”

The first week there were a lot of emotions through out the whole team, people feeling culture shock, issues that weren't discussed with each other back at the base, team mates getting annoyed with each other, missing home, tired of eating peanut butter and jelly toast for every breakfast, 99% humidity and about 90 degrees, (I had NEVER experienced such sweating in my life!) yet still the excitement of being in a different country and bringing the Lord's presence. I remember crying one day in my room on the bunk bed, feeling like it was so hopeless with Ruslan seeing how he still gave so much attention to Jeni and wondering if he had deeper feelings for her. I felt like he WASN'T acting any different towards me, even after the note.

train corridor

We thankfully got to take a 30 hour train ride, I say thankfully because of what transpired. As I mentioned before no exclusive guy/girl relationships, so that also meant no alone time together. Well Ruslan was sitting at a table in the corridor of the train and there was enough space from the open bunks and train sounds that I could sit by him in the open and actually have some privacy. We ended up talking for about 6-7 hours straight! I was able to be totally honest with my whole summer process, and why the note, and where I was at now, how difficult it was to wait and trust God, and how much I was interested in him now. He also shared his side of things and that he did STILL have feelings for me, and that he had chosen to completely lay me down and had asked God to take away all feelings for me so he wouldn't be suffering throughout the school having hope for something he thought was completely dead. We shared our perspective on different incidents, I asked if he did like Jeni (I had to cover all the ground!), it was amazing! I felt like my heart came back to life! I was so excited and couldn't contain my smile from ear to ear.

Suffice to say, the next 4-6 weeks in China were pure bliss! It didn't matter that our bus broke down on our drive to the great wall, and that 8 of us had to push it, it didn't matter that Mcdonalds was like the best treat we could eat because of being so tired of chinese food, it didn't matter that one of our hotels was so bad we found toe nail clippings all over our half brown stained carpet that would become infested with cockroaches once the lights were out, it didn't matter that the guys stayed in the basement of the hotel with multiple other strange room mates,... Ruslan had feelings for ME!!! And he was starting to show them. Thankfully our hotels did get increasingly better as we traveled on. We had so much fun on this adventure together getting to know each other more knowing there was hope for our future...together. We did get talked to a couple times by the leaders, saying we were being a little too exclusive. We continued writing a couple letters back and forth through out that time as well. He even bought me a Mcdonald's ice cream one day, I had no money at that point so that was awesome! He knew the way to my heart, ice cream.

Mcdonalds!!!

Ruslan standing by ME!!! :)

To be continued...

Summer Time Blues (still no Ruslan connection) Part 3

-->

My Future Hot Russian, with a Sambrero, life guarding during the summer camps

Mom and My brother Ishmael, it was so good to see everyone

During the summer we got to be camp counselors for junior high students from neighboring cities.  It was a lot of fun, but still hard to not be as close to Ruslan as I wished I could be.  I called home a couple of times talking to my mom about the difficulties I was having with Ruslan.  My Mom would very kindly listen and encourage me as best she could with out ever giving even the smallest hint of her insight from the Lord. She told me later that she was starting to question, if she truly had heard the Lord, it wasn’t looking too promising??

There's Faithy Lu (my sister) right beside me on the right

I was so happy to get some of my siblings and youth group come during that time as well, it was a great distraction and so good to see my home folk.  I even got to be with my sister Faith in the same group, that was a treat.  One night we were talking about my experiences and I shared a lot about what was going on (or NOT going on) with Ruslan and I.  Also I was asking if she remembered a couple months before coming to YWAM when I prayed one night:

 “Lord I ask you to bless my future husband, bless his sleep…oh wait, maybe he’s awake right now (time difference in other countries)? Father I ask you to bless his day if he’s awake right now.”

Faith totally remembered it as well, and thought it pretty coincidental. But of course I didn’t want to over spiritualize anything if it wasn’t meant to be.  I told her how I was still so confused and didn’t know for sure if he was the one, and that I didn’t know if it was time to tell him anything differently yet?  Having met him in our hometown in Cedarville, Faith challenged me,

“Well if you aren’t sure, then I’ll marry him.” 

Without a pause, I just blurted out, “NO!” 

She then confidently replied, “you really like him.” 

Little stinker, she got me there.  I did really like him. 

He looked so cute during the summer too, all tan and blonde streaked hair, I was worried other girls were going to fall for him too, with all these new girls coming in for camps and counselors.  And as a matter of fact there was a girl who found him attractive and wanted him to come see her while he was in Sacramento visiting his uncle!  Thankfully he wasn’t interested in her that way.  I definitely had to give it back to God MANY MANY times, worrying more and more that He would never give me another chance.

We also did something called a “Gauntlet” and we were welcoming in a whole new summer team called “Summer of Service (S.O.S.),” more girls too, yes I was often worried he might fall for someone else.  We did one competition where each team of about 5-7 team mates were to follow these orange flag markers on a journey up a mountain.  I was the second team to leave and Ruslan was the first and I tried VERY hard to either stay with him or beat him, and I was a little impatient with my team, who didn’t have the same goal as me, haha.  Sorry team mates.  Nikki probably knew my goal because she was my room mate and I shared some of my struggles with her, she knew I liked Ruslan.

My cutie patooty sister Leah!

It was really neat because we also got a new team mate named Nadia, who was Ukranian and so I grilled her on her impressions of Ruslan, whether he seemed like a quality guy or not, knowing the culture etc…(I was just doing my homework, this is husband stuff, no small thing.)  And I completely remember her telling me one day, after being there for a couple weeks; 

“Ruslan is probably one of the nicest Russians I have ever met, he is so sincere, polite, funny, and such a kind man.”

Thank you Nadia for spying him out for me, hehe.  I knew it! Now if I only I can turn his affections back to me???

One of our teachers during the Discipleship Training School (DTS) was Bill Johnson! I think it was during his teaching that I got seriously rocked by God!  I was feeling His presence so intensely and crying and crying, and I remember thinking it’s a good thing Ruslan is seeing me like this now, cuz atleast he will know the full package he is getting, cuz I am pretty crazy about God!  Also during JerryPraetzel, a very vulnerable heart wrenching experience, where the Holy Spirit basically unravels wounds from the past to shine in light and truth and heal deep root issues.  I thought,

“this is the perfect place to meet your future husband because we get to see all sides of each other!”