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I love life! I love the multifaceted things about it and about God.  I love to enjoy each day to it's fullest. I love my boys and I love change!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Why is it hard to admit I'm weak sometimes???

Why is it so hard to admit when I feel weak?!! Or have a need. Or a want. Or need help.  I have realized that it's very hard for me to admit when I can't handle something.  Thankfully, over the years the Lord and people have been teaching me the value of really saying what I need, not demanding it, but just even saying it out loud. Also admitting when something does actually affect me, or hurt me, even though I can think of a hundred good reasons why it happened and that the other person probably didn't mean it, or they were having a bad day, or a bad life. :) etc...

Being pregnant, this fourth time of my life, I have been the most in tune to myself than any of the other times. I have finally been able to recognize for one that being pregnant really does affect the rest of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I first found out I was pregnant Ruslan and I had a really good discussion after he pretty much said, "I don't like who you become when you are pregnant" in a very graceful kind way, that I was able to receive and share my side. So from that discussion I realized I needed to make a few changes.  I have been able to give myself permission to be a "cry baby" to feel more intensely, to hurt more easily, to ask for emotional support from my husband, to communicate my needs instead of expecting my husband to read my mind (and then be mad when he doesn't read right :)).  I would say this has been the smoothest pregnancy yet, with the best communication and enjoyment of the process as well. I even have felt patient with the process, not just wanting the end to come, although at this point I am pretty ready. :)  

This last month I start to feel a little bummed that I can't handle EVERYTHING I usually can when I am not pregnant, and I feel bad that I don't feel up to my normal tasks. I don't want to be that person that asks for help all the time, or starts to annoy my husband with all my "needs"  That is how this blog started, just asking myself that question, "Why is it so hard to admit when something feels like too much?"  Well I guess the reality is, I am still in process, and for some reason I have been trained, and reinforced that training myself; that feeling weak and womanly is not OK. 

So Lord, retrain me, cuz I know we are delicate, intricate, amazing beings, us women! I think the truth is we are just too dang strong sometimes! :)

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