Why is it hard to admit I'm weak sometimes???

Why is it so hard to admit when I feel weak?!! Or have a need. Or a want. Or need help.  I have realized that it's very hard for me to admit when I can't handle something.  Thankfully, over the years the Lord and people have been teaching me the value of really saying what I need, not demanding it, but just even saying it out loud. Also admitting when something does actually affect me, or hurt me, even though I can think of a hundred good reasons why it happened and that the other person probably didn't mean it, or they were having a bad day, or a bad life. :) etc...

Being pregnant, this fourth time of my life, I have been the most in tune to myself than any of the other times. I have finally been able to recognize for one that being pregnant really does affect the rest of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I first found out I was pregnant Ruslan and I had a really good discussion after he pretty much said, "I don't like who you become when you are pregnant" in a very graceful kind way, that I was able to receive and share my side. So from that discussion I realized I needed to make a few changes.  I have been able to give myself permission to be a "cry baby" to feel more intensely, to hurt more easily, to ask for emotional support from my husband, to communicate my needs instead of expecting my husband to read my mind (and then be mad when he doesn't read right :)).  I would say this has been the smoothest pregnancy yet, with the best communication and enjoyment of the process as well. I even have felt patient with the process, not just wanting the end to come, although at this point I am pretty ready. :)  

This last month I start to feel a little bummed that I can't handle EVERYTHING I usually can when I am not pregnant, and I feel bad that I don't feel up to my normal tasks. I don't want to be that person that asks for help all the time, or starts to annoy my husband with all my "needs"  That is how this blog started, just asking myself that question, "Why is it so hard to admit when something feels like too much?"  Well I guess the reality is, I am still in process, and for some reason I have been trained, and reinforced that training myself; that feeling weak and womanly is not OK. 

So Lord, retrain me, cuz I know we are delicate, intricate, amazing beings, us women! I think the truth is we are just too dang strong sometimes! :)

Our Bodies are Incredible

Our body can even detect a hair the size of an eyelash! I was so tickled and amazed that my body knew that something was out of order on my foot because a hair the size of an eyelash had burrowed it's way beneath my skin and was just sitting there.  My foot began to ache when I walked on it and if I put pressure on that spot. It affected my walking and standing, and could have even affected my back as I began putting pressure to one side, and then my knees as I put more pressure to one side etc... At first I didn't know what it was but when I looked closely I saw what looked like a tiny hair just beneath the skin!  So as my father Alex taught me, I grabbed a needle and started digging in. hee hee. And lo and behold there was a tiny hair and immediately after removing that hair, my foot completely and immediately stopped hurting in that area.

I know there must be a correlation here???  Well my first thought is, my marriage.  I have found that a marriage so needs constant checkups, and daily connection.  I don't even know how some married couples go so long with out interacting on a daily basis.  I have found that for me to function normally I MUST have at least 15 minutes of Ruslan's undivided attention; that does not mean him watching T.V. or a game while I'm talking, there is a STRONG emphasis on UNDIVIDED attention. :)  Of course I prefer more, but I have found if we are in a busy time of life or hectic season, then this sustains me.  But it has to be EVERY day.  I have noticed that if I go with out I start to feel irritated at him, or easily annoyed by the things he does, I feel this tiny ache inside of me (almost unnoticeable the first few days), as if a tiny hair had burrowed it's way into my foot! ;) 

I find that if I am really in tune to my body, emotions, and spirit, I can quickly sense things that are out of order or off a tiny bit. It is so incredible how amazingly our bodies and minds can work together.  I do notice that when I become too busy or distracted it takes me a lot longer to tune in and see the bigger problem or minor problem, like a hair that is throwing everything else off balance.  

A Pruning Truth

 (Oh the twisted web we weave, for ourselves)

OK so I really wanted to write this blog but I was also shying away from it a little because it's still a bit raw, therefore I reminded myself of the purpose of this blog. :) Anyway, the reason I didn't exactly want to share was because I assume some of you will read this and say, "Finally she realized!" but hey, I am admitting, "Yes, I have realized in a deeper way, what God has been chiseling away at for the last few years now, and it has FINALLY deeply sunk into my heart of hearts and oh how good it feels....So what am I talking about????

Well I was reading an extremely powerful challenging book from 1993 called Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender & Dr. Tremper Longman III.  When I read the following sentence I began to cry, a deep sorrowful but grateful cry.  Here is what I read: 

     "Don't be pressured to Make Change Occur in Another Person's Life.  Do Accept the Part You Play in Seeing Change Occur."

It was like reading the "so called calling" on my life since finding Jesus! I never understood that it wasn't our job to find the change that they needed or convince them of the change needed (blush*). It's embarrassing even writing this as I see it from the true perspective of Jesus.  Then I read the next paragraph and cried a whole bunch more as God released the burdensome chains of IMPOSSIBILITY I thought were my responsibility. PHEWWW!!!

     

"The birth of righteousness and love in this stern world is always a virgin birth.  It is never men (Jessica) nor the nations of men (Jessica) nor all the power and wisdom of men (Jessica) that bring it forth but always God."

You wouldn't believe the relief I felt.  I can't believe how skewed my perspective was.  Oh am I praising my Father God for firing me from that job!!!

For those of you whom I have done that too or thought it was my place to do so, please forgive me and THANK YOU for loving me anyway and putting up with my immature arrogant ways, and most of all for believing in me to see the truth for myself. I love you all.

Freedom From Religious Thinking

The Kalashnikov Clan

 Joel and his boots, he is stuck like glue to those!

I am reading this book called, Sheparding Your Child's Heart, and something that struck me like a slap in the face, was this thing called determinism.  Basically it's the understanding that "if I raise my children in the right atmosphere, and protect them from enough bad stuff, and keep them isolated from "bad things" then they will turn out just right (paraphrased)." But what that is truly teaching is the child has no choice in his life, and no consequences to learn from and also doesn't believe he/she can make a good decision about life.  So in fact in almost can cripple the child from growing and maturing.  The truth is we are to train up a child in truth and be real and explain things to them about "real life" and walk through life WITH them, not just preaching to them about God but living out what we are believing, and teaching them how God walks with them daily in everything that they do: playing xbox, computer, watching T.V., playing outside, being at school etc...The gospel is real and powerful enough to lead them to truth, it is not our job to CONVINCE them that God is the way.  The Holy Spirit woos, we plant the seeds and show them how real He is in our lives.

So our job to protect them is to be there WHEN bad things happen or hard things, and to have a healthy form of  talking through, praying, working together through a hard situation, a child never has to later work themselves out of traumatic situations as an adult that were never dealt with in child hood. For me that was SO FREEING because I thought I needed to protect them from EVER getting hurt period. How exhausting and fear filling! Sheesh!

A little change to my blogging

So I decided to try and be a little more steady and consistent with my blogging.  I know we all have those moments of great motivation and it lasts about 2-3 weeks and then something happens...called life...and we lose track of our focus...or maybe that's just me?

What I really want this blog to be about is exactly as I titled it, Raw life.  I know I don't have all the answers and in fact I am always looking for more.  I realize though, that through our 11 years of marriage and raising 3 boys (getting started right away-honeymoon baby) and pregnant with our 4th, we have learned a thing or two about marriage, raising kids, letting God be the center of a hectic life, and whatever else comes with all that. :)  I just thought it would be awesome to share whatever we might have learned with some of you who are maybe going through a similar thing.  It would be wonderful to by-pass "learning the hard way."

As we have recently moved to Eugene Oregon, we specifically heard one thing from the Lord and that was: "I want you to learn community."  Funny thing is, having been raised with 9 siblings, I thought I knew that quite well. I was wrong. :) It's been a good process so far and of course we are only just beginning.

My nugget for today:

  SIMPLIFY

  

Mercy Ruth the Great! (portrait session)

Mercy Ruth is a beautiful young lady.  Full of spunk and tons of personality.  She is super sensitive and thoughtful yet so full of life.  What a lovely young woman.  I am excited to see all that God has in store for this bright eyed wonder!

I love you my darling niece!

Aunty Jessica

Portraits anyone? Eugene Oregon photography, Weddings, Children, Family photography

Mercy Ruth the Great! (portrait session)

 

Mercy Ruth is a beautiful young lady.  Full of spunk and tons of personality.  She is super sensitive and thoughtful yet so full of life.  What a lovely young woman.  I am excited to see all that God has in store for this bright eyed wonder!

I love you my darling niece!

Aunty Jessica

Portraits anyone? Eugene Oregon photography, Weddings, Children, Family photography

He amazes me yet again! Communication.

I have always journaled as I learn and grow, and think "some day I would love to write a book to help other Mom's not have to learn things the hard way, or those who don't get to learn at all." But then I started thinking I should start now!  Why hold it in until I have learned EVERYTHING, and then share my "great wisdom" (ha ha).

This was a recent incident that really brought freedom and a load off of my back!

So recently, Daniel my oldest had told me that he didn't like when Papa (dad in Russian) joked when Daniel shared something from the heart.  I took it upon myself to explain this to Ruslan and try to get him to recognize that joking isn't always the best way to make someone else feel at ease, even if it's the way that works for you. So he sort of got it.  But next time it happened again, I realized, "wait I dont' have to be the go between, I need to teach them to communicate to each other." So I called Daniel in and asked him to explain to Ruslan what he meant. He did. Ruslan my husband, heard it better from him than from me.  I recognized that Ruslan probably assumed that I was being oversensitive, but when he heard it from his son's own lips, something shifted in his heart (of which is made of gold) and he saw I wasn't just jumping to conclusions.

It felt so wonderful, to know my place as Mom, is to help bring communication, not to BE the communication.

Life in General

Well as usual I am onto a new project! I am the dreamer visionary, and am trying to learn to be the "finisher of one thing well (I know that's not exactly grammatically correct-learn more grammar-another project :))."

ANYWAY:
My latest project is becoming a Eugene Oregon Wedding Photographer-www.jkalashnikovphoto.com I am super excited about this and super nervous. Wow to be in charge of one of the most important days to someone, and to portray their perfect picture of what it should look like to them. I am still listening to Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do something everyday that scares you." So I have been researching and finding out about website traffic, and more photography skills, etc, etc, etc... I am loving it!

I am still pursuing the real estate stuff, but that's the less attractive, MORE scary project that I do AFTER I have done the fun stuff. It's so big and different that I am COMPLETELY uncomfortable with it, but I so want to see it work, I am too stubborn to give up on it, plus my sister and I are in this one together, so I CAN'T give it up!

Also in the midst of all this, learning to just be in the moment, not always trying to get done, to get onto the next thing. For example, I am really enjoying doing dishes more, maybe that's a little too enthusiastic...I am learning not to HATE doing the dishes. It is always such a fulfilling feeling to see a clean surface and sparkly kitchen.

Do One Thing Everyday that Scares You...
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

I read this statmeent yesterday on a bumper sticker as my husband and I were being driven in a car on a tour of Eugene Oregon, with a realtor, who was showing us the ropes of real estate investing, while filling us in on the market here in Eugene Or.


I was excited reading that because that's exactly what real estate investing is for me, SCARY! It's so new it makes my stomach turn sometimes as I move forward dealing with real people and real houses, not just Monopoly! The interesting thing is I love the newness of it, yet it scares me at the same time. I keep thinking, "I can't wait until this is so familiar to me, that it will be like driving a stick shift." I remember first learning with my sister Sarah and I couldn't figure out why I kept stalling and stalling and stalling... and yet she would remind me that one one day I wouldn't even have to think twice. Now today I remember that as I put it in 1st, 2nd, 3rd,...

All that to say, I have been recognizing that LIFE takes time. I used to HATE that saying, I used to get mad that "some things just take time." As a matter of fact I used to rebel against that statement thinking, "except for with me." But I FINALLY have recognized that it's not such a bad truth, it actually has relieved the fears of: "What if I miss it? What if there is never a deal this good? What if I run out of time? What if someone does it before me?"

I find relief in knowing, if I continue at this (whatever this may be); IN TIME, I will get better, it will become familiar, I will be one of those knowledgeable people whom I admire today, who knows so much, because they have been doing it for such a long TIME. :)

My Thoughts

For some reason the computer is underlining my words, and I can't stop it, but I am too annoyed to fix it. Sorry.

As I was sitting here, I read The Pioneer Woman and got inspired to blog again, so I am.

I feel frustrated that when I try and stand strong on something that's important to me, I seem to get many others who think I am too extreme. I know I can be extreme. I also know sometimes, I should be extreme in what I believe, but I don't want to disregard people in my extremeness. I am learning to understand my feelings, stand by my convictions, but also hear where other people are coming from, and see if I need to change; either my way of thinking, or the way I am presenting what I am thinking and feeling. I have learned that sometimes I honestly do need to step away from the situation, and get a calmer perspective. I used to think that was backing down, now I see it's wisdom, especially for me. How do you get someone to see something that you see so clearly and they are not seeing at all! I don't want to be the one not seeing at all as well.

I enjoy writing, so I will try and stay consistent, thanks for those of you who are joining me in this journey of life. I highly value support and relationships. Thanks.