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I love life! I love the multifaceted things about it and about God.  I love to enjoy each day to it's fullest. I love my boys and I love change!

Monday, January 21, 2013

I am not rejectable

I  didn't know what true freedom felt like til I tasted it.
I didn't realize I still dealt with rejection issues until God began to reveal this issue again and then literally showed me that a spirit had attached itself to this wound in me and was confirming this lie in every way it possibly could.  A few examples being when someone said no to me it felt so much deeper than just a simple no, or if I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable feeling and got no response or the "wrong" response, it freaked me out I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, like I had done something wrong, and I suddenly wanted to take it back, NOW! I even felt it in my family sometimes which surprised me because I had never really doubted that my family loved me, but being from a large family you just can't personally connect with every sibling on the same level (as we have become adults), as much as I desire that.  When a sibling would come to visit and they didn't let me know or I heard it through the grapevine, I would question if maybe they didn't wanna see me or maybe they didn't care about me the same way  they did the others.   But I felt trapped because I didn't want them to feel responsible for making me feel that way because I knew it was my problem, but I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling either, and I didn't know how to ask questions either, so I would drop hints or be sarcastic instead of sharing my heart.  That of course only brought confusion on both ends.

Sooo anyway, I went to this conference (approx. 6 months ago) about deliverance from strongholds and the Lord showed me that I had a spirit of rejection, so some of the prayer team prayed over me and told that spirit to leave and I agreed and also told it to go, and after some rather intense travailing and crying and yelling, I was free! I could feel this very heavy weight lift off my shoulders, and I just felt so light and airy.  It was a very refreshing feeling.  Since that day I have seen major changes in my everyday life! In the way I relate to my husband, my children, my friendships, my relationships, my creativity, even as I have started taking ballet, I suddenly realized something felt so different this time around (I took it 3 years ago). I feel so free to flow and enjoy and let go of my mind and move with the movements, not worrying about how quickly I do or don't pick up the techniques.  I don't feel the tenseness or strain of trying so hard to do it exact or the fear of messing up, or looking silly for not knowing if I am doing what is required from the teacher.  I am so thankful for this freedom and so thankful for joy and enjoyment!

Raw Life

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