My (not so hidden) ADDICTION...

 These are a few photos of my life lately. Of course right now I am feeling like my main activity in life is pumping milk and nursing. Thankfully fourth time around, I am aware that this season does  eventually end. However I still have to remember to prioritize, as my Mother so wisely reminds me, my number one goal is, to eat well myself.  I have recognized how easily that slips thru the cracks, "oh whoops I forgot to eat again."  I sometimes don't even have a moment to feel hunger, I only realize my famished state, once I start cooking then I am rummaging through the cupboards trying to find ANYTHING edible. Hence the importance of not having junk food stored in those cupboards. I still have not fully arrived in this area. We did just finish off the marshmallows in some delicious marshmallow popcorn last night, trying to get rid of the last sweets so that we can get back on track. "Back on track" for us lately is one "sweet day" during the week and then weekends free to eat sweets.  It's a start. :) (My Mom would still think that's still a lot of sweets but she's probably not fully aware of my addiction... OK yes she is).

As I went off on that unexpected tangent I realize that that is a big focus right now for us. Getting healthy and being wise and realistic about the needs of our natural bodies.  I am finally aware of how food really can and does affect my mood, my energy, my spiritual life, my wifely "privileges" (I was gonna say duties but they aren't duties) Mothering tasks, etc, etc, etc...

I found out recently (within the last 3 years) that I had a tendency to live in a fantasy mentality.  I began to have my eyes opened as I had a conversation with a sister and I was putting two and two together, every month at a pretty similar time of the month I would be extremely irritable and impatient and grumpy with the kids and my husband...I know this might sound silly and obvious to some of you but I was in denial that anything "natural" like periods, food, allergies, pregnancy, lack of sleep...had any affect on me. Only "weak" people got affected by those things. I know it's horrible and arrogant, and believe me a TOUGH place to be.  I didn't allow myself to feel what I really felt, and I didn't know it was OK to have needs. So when something did affect me and I couldn't DENY it, I would be PISSED! Yes Pissed! Cuz that would mean I was weak, not spiritual enough, messed up, failed, got slowed down... and the list goes on. Wow I had no idea I was so hard on myself.  Well Praise God He has continued the process of teaching me what it looks like to be a healthy woman emotionally (yes I have emotions, I was surprised too, and it's not bad) spiritually, and physically. It has been an incredible journey, and STILL so much to learn.

 These precious boys have opened up a whole new world to me, one of freedom, joy, disorder (they added to my already existing problem) loudness, silliness, not taking myself too seriously, love, loyalty, humor, and the list goes on and on and on and on.  God definitely knew what He was doing when He gave me 3 boys. I always say that He gave me a second chance at being a better sister (now Mother) than how I handled my 3 little brothers. I had no file for boys, they are just so different than me haha. :) And I now realize, it's wonderful!

It especially cracks me up how much this little/big guy my 7 year old Ian reminds me soooooo much of my younger brother Gabriel. He challenges me always, keeps me on my toes, has a mind always churning, is one mission minded, and has the softest teddy bear heart ever!  I miss you Gabe. :)

Getting back on track...I think :)

 Yep it's been that long since I last blogged! A new baby, a new body, a new life! All that can happen in a few months, sheesh!!! Well I read this beautiful blog by http://www.riddlelove.com/, about her latest journey in having a baby and I just loved it. So I wanted to also share my journey...

So it all started on a frisky night...Oh wait, that's probably too much detail hee hee ;)  Fast forward a little and wa la pregnant again! Wow, we were definitely surprised but not freaked, so that was good. Funny thing is once again there is that exact time frame of about 3 years in between and then 9 months to adjust to the idea of yet another precious package from heaven. My 3 boys are 11,7, and 4.  Of course we were dreaming of a little girl and hoping that this would be the one.  I realized I could ask the Lord what the gender would be, but I was kind of afraid to trust even if I did hear Him. But I asked anyway, I heard a scripture address; Song of Solomon 4:1,9 and didn't know what it said so I turned to it, and it was:

How beautiful you are, my darling!
   Oh, how beautiful!
   Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
   descending from the hills of Gilead. 

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
   you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
   with one jewel of your necklace.  

I was stoked! "My SISTER, my BRIDE" wow that seems pretty clear! I held it in my heart and kept asking for confirmations.  Then a few months before the due date, I got a call from a friend in CA who said, "I have some good news for you, God told me IT"S A GIRL!!" She said, "I wasn't going to ask cuz I didn't want you to be giving the baby a false identity in case I was wrong, but I just kept hearing," 'it's a girl, it's a girl, it's a girl' and I knew with out a doubt you are getting your girl."

I had had the name Elizabeth Lynn, since being pregnant with Ian, the Lord gave me some words about a little girl we would have (and He even told it me it wasn't the one I was carrying) and he gave me some words for her when she arrived.

Then Autumn (my sister) calls one day and says, "Is Abigail one of the names you guys were considering?" I told her we hadn't even thought about that name, but I looked up the meaning, "Joy of The Father" and fell in love!  She told me that she was waking from a nap in that sleep wake state and she saw a vision of me pregnant and it hit her, "there is going to be a new baby soon, and she heard Abigail, so she called me thinking I had probably mentioned that name and that's why it was so clear. She was surprised to hear I hadn't mentioned that name.  I wasn't sure we would name her that, but definitely felt it was significant of her destiny and identity. 

So I started to feel pretty confident, and the Lord just kept giving me little fun confirmations. I started to be bold enough to at least say, "well, if it's not a girl, I will seriously be confused, cuz I have gotten some pretty clear confirmations."

I even took a step of faith and took home a completely pink, ruffly, flour patterned bassinet! I placed my little stuffed female monkey (that I got when I was 7) in there until my real baby arrived.

Then came the NIGHT, that is after about a MONTH of false labor, or they say preliminary labor, but I agree with FALSE, cuz I got my hopes up so many times, I was pretty sure, I would go into labor eventually and not even know I was in labor.  OK I was wrong about that, there was NO QUESTION once it came :(   I had an 8 hr labor with 45 minutes of terribly intense pushing. I did lose my bearings, I felt afraid of the pain cuz it wouldn't subside, and I wasn't even sure the pushing was actually doing anything just HURTING and I was pushing with all my might, I didn't even know my body could do that. Autumn (my sister) said she saw veins popping out of my neck she didn't even know I had!  Leah (my other sister) even skyped in, not being able to join in person this time, she was with me all the way from Washington DC! She definitely is committed to being a part of her nephew and nieces arrivals! I love it! On her break at work she had me on her iphone, hiding the screen from any passerby's :) The boys woke up an hour before baby arrived and they heard the loud waling as I did the final bone separating push!  Ian (7 year old) told me later that he was going into his bedroom when I did that yell and he covered his ears and prayed for me. :) So sweet.  Mom was just about to say that she would take the boys to her place, when Ruslan came out announcing the arrival of ABIGAIL ELIZABETH LYNN KALASHNIKOV!!!! It's a girl!!!!!!! Once I saw her I couldn't call her Elizabeth, she was definitely Abigail our little "Abi-girl" ;) We once again carried on the new tradition (Since Ian) of two middle names :)

I will write more on the processing and recovery afterward...

MY DAUGHTER! Yes, daughter!!!! WOW!

Why is it hard to admit I'm weak sometimes???

Why is it so hard to admit when I feel weak?!! Or have a need. Or a want. Or need help.  I have realized that it's very hard for me to admit when I can't handle something.  Thankfully, over the years the Lord and people have been teaching me the value of really saying what I need, not demanding it, but just even saying it out loud. Also admitting when something does actually affect me, or hurt me, even though I can think of a hundred good reasons why it happened and that the other person probably didn't mean it, or they were having a bad day, or a bad life. :) etc...

Being pregnant, this fourth time of my life, I have been the most in tune to myself than any of the other times. I have finally been able to recognize for one that being pregnant really does affect the rest of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I first found out I was pregnant Ruslan and I had a really good discussion after he pretty much said, "I don't like who you become when you are pregnant" in a very graceful kind way, that I was able to receive and share my side. So from that discussion I realized I needed to make a few changes.  I have been able to give myself permission to be a "cry baby" to feel more intensely, to hurt more easily, to ask for emotional support from my husband, to communicate my needs instead of expecting my husband to read my mind (and then be mad when he doesn't read right :)).  I would say this has been the smoothest pregnancy yet, with the best communication and enjoyment of the process as well. I even have felt patient with the process, not just wanting the end to come, although at this point I am pretty ready. :)  

This last month I start to feel a little bummed that I can't handle EVERYTHING I usually can when I am not pregnant, and I feel bad that I don't feel up to my normal tasks. I don't want to be that person that asks for help all the time, or starts to annoy my husband with all my "needs"  That is how this blog started, just asking myself that question, "Why is it so hard to admit when something feels like too much?"  Well I guess the reality is, I am still in process, and for some reason I have been trained, and reinforced that training myself; that feeling weak and womanly is not OK. 

So Lord, retrain me, cuz I know we are delicate, intricate, amazing beings, us women! I think the truth is we are just too dang strong sometimes! :)