Sure, in being unsure.

We have contended for the last several months for the healing of a very special person, Jeff Duncan. When I say we, I am referring to the hundreds of people who have had the burden for Jeff's healing on their heart and mind constantly.

I am sad to say he passed on August 13th at 10:15 AM. But every step of the way even after his spirit left his body, we believed, and contended for his healing and then resurrection. I had not a single doubt that is WASN'T his time to leave this earth. It was some very intense proclamations and physical manifestations of break through and deliverance over his body, there were so many promises, his body even regained some of it's warmth which increased our faith but still no resurrection. Looking back at yesterday, I feel somewhat confused and not sure why we can feel the presence of God so strongly and agree with His will completely for the healing and resurrection and still not see it? BUT the incredible thing is after all of that, I feel this intensified strong desire to go after these things even more and with greater zealousness! For some reason my faith has increased and has become energized to know that God's power is even stronger than the power of death (I know it's sort of the opposite of what I would think would happen). I run forward in my total TRUST in Him, knowing that we are to raise the dead, heal the sick, and cleanse the lepers. I believe it with every ounce of my being! It has happened before and it will happen again, in my time, in my city. For some reason I feel this new fearlessness in the face of disease, sickness, and even death.

I may not always get FULL understanding, but one thing I am sure of and have no doubts in, is the UNCONDITIONAL GOODNESS of GOD! I, for some reason get this strong sense that He is fully capable of working things out for the good even in our feeble understanding, He sees the bigger picture, He has given us a big part to play in this whole scheme of things and whether I understand it fully or not, I can say that I 100% TRUST in His ways, and not mine. I feel such hope. I know that He will reveal more as I seek His face, and I also know some things may remain a mystery until I see God face to face in eternity.
Here am I Lord send me.

And it's SENT! favor favor favor

OK I did it! I sent my manuscript to Bill Johnson to see if he will have a chance to do a foreword or a blurb for my 40 day fast book????? It felt good to finally have just sent it, and now to decide whether I want to self publish or propose it to some publisher??? Also another sudden turn in our lives....Ruslan and I are going back to school! Me for the first time since graduating from high school, and Ruslan going back after about 4 years. I am super excited though. For those of you who know me well, I never really thought I would want to go to college, so this is very different and interesting. But I really feel excited about it and I plan on just taking all the classes I love! Ruslan is doing all online classes and he will watch the kids the times I have classes on campus. This will be challenging and I am very curious to see the outcome. Plus I am still going to be homeschooling. Wow!! I signed up Daniel to join a charter school which means help financially with curriculum for him, AND yippeee, they pay for him to take PIANO LESSONS!!!! I am soooo thrilled, and he sooooo stoked! Finances are still painfully lacking to say the least. It's like trying to push that tiny last bit of toothpaste out of the tube, hoping you will then have enough to cover all 30 teeth! But the good thing is I feel it's like in this photo of Daniel, it's RIGHT THERE within reach but just not quite yet. I have seen God work through so much in us, in our lack. Things I didn't even know were there have been brought to the surface to wade through with Holy Spirit. Character has been being formed, patience has been taught, humility, selflessness, breaking poverty mentality, and the list goes on. I am not saying that God is the one who made us lack but I see wisdom in the process FOR SURE! I know we are to prosper, but I also know He gives us wisdom and practical logical steps as well. I realized that I had a wrong view of FAITH for finances. I kind of thought when we literally had nothing left, that was a good place cuz now it HAD TO be a miracle to bring us through. Where as when we still had something, it still felt like we weren't fully relying on God for provision. I know it's funny to think. But Holy Spirit has been so faithful to begin unraveling the misconceptions, religious thinking, presumptuous ideas, etc...in me and He is so gentle I can't help but turn from those ways and want only more of Him and more truth!





I just love chubby baby legs!

Back Again - Peeling off Layers, ouch!

Well I have been going through a lot in these last couple of weeks, some very good, very deep, character training, and humbling, to say the least.

I said the very scary, but honest prayer to God, "LORD, I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO HUMBLE ME."

I immediately started seeing that prayer come to pass. It's amazing how He seems to hear the prayers we kinda hoped he didn't hear, and we aren't sure why it feels that He sometimes isn't answering the ones we reeeeally want Him to? He does have His mysterious ways.

Well I started noticing it in the small things first. For example, a couple of weeks ago, we were talking at the table with a bunch of my family, and both of my parents. Someone commented on the mark on Ruslan's arm, his vaccination scar. He then was trying to figure out the two diseases it is protecting you against, and I blurted out, "Is it Syphilis?" (It just sounded familiar like I had heard it before) Ruslan looked at me very embarrassed and then gave me the benefit of the doubt, "Oh you were joking?!"

In that moment I was so temtped to just agree, it was the perfect out of a very embarrassing situation as everyone's eyes were on me. But I knew the Holy Spirit was right there asking me the same question, "So were you serious?" I had to be honest.... "Yes I was serious, why is that a horrible sexual disease or something?" I timidly asked.

Then, THE SAME DAY! I was telling this very serious sad story about a woman who had breast cancer and had to get a "vasectomy." Immediately my Mom kindly corrected me and said, "I think you mean, "Masectomy." I was so embarrassed! I thought it was vIsectomy for the guy and vAsectomy for the woman, I was WRONG!

Talk about humiliating, but I could totally see God in it as I laughed (and cried) inside, I know Lord, I asked for this didn't I?"

You see, I have always felt like I needed to make it apparent that I know EVERYTHING, although everyone but myself knows that is impossible anyway. I obviously don't have some kind of degree in medical terms, so obviously I might "botch" a few medical words up right? Who cares if people laugh at me, I am finding out it's OK that I don't know everything and no one expects me to. And if some people do expect me to, that is an issue in themselves because they too are probably afraid of being found out.

I noticed that since meeting Ruslan in 1998, I was always so intimidated by his vast amount of knowledge, and his incredible memory and understanding and love of History and Geography, my two worst subjects! So I would find myself feeling so incredibly IGNORANT every time he asked me a question. I constantly heard myself saying, "I don't know," and it was really humiliating, I thought he would think I was the dumbest girl ever! Well as you can see he either likes dumb girls or he found out there's more to me than my lack of knowledge in certain areas!:)

Anyway to make a long blog longer :), I am finding out that it's not only about what we know, but how real we are. It has been a painful, healing, vulnerable time for me as I let go of all of my safety, coping skills and reach out to my loving, Father God's hand, as He leads and guides me. I am finding that His system is so many times the complete opposite of the way I think I am supposed to act or be. I am just supposed to be me, and yes the truth is, some people won't like me.

I will have to save some of the other layers next blog this is probably long enough already.

I hope this inspires you to be you, cuz YOU are one of a kind and everyone needs to know what God put inside of YOU!









It's OK to be silly and have fun, life is fun! God is fun!