Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Back Again - Peeling off Layers, ouch!
Well I have been going through a lot in these last couple of weeks, some very good, very deep, character training, and humbling, to say the least.
I said the very scary, but honest prayer to God, "LORD, I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO HUMBLE ME."
I immediately started seeing that prayer come to pass. It's amazing how He seems to hear the prayers we kinda hoped he didn't hear, and we aren't sure why it feels that He sometimes isn't answering the ones we reeeeally want Him to? He does have His mysterious ways.
Well I started noticing it in the small things first. For example, a couple of weeks ago, we were talking at the table with a bunch of my family, and both of my parents. Someone commented on the mark on Ruslan's arm, his vaccination scar. He then was trying to figure out the two diseases it is protecting you against, and I blurted out, "Is it Syphilis?" (It just sounded familiar like I had heard it before) Ruslan looked at me very embarrassed and then gave me the benefit of the doubt, "Oh you were joking?!"
In that moment I was so temtped to just agree, it was the perfect out of a very embarrassing situation as everyone's eyes were on me. But I knew the Holy Spirit was right there asking me the same question, "So were you serious?" I had to be honest.... "Yes I was serious, why is that a horrible sexual disease or something?" I timidly asked.
Then, THE SAME DAY! I was telling this very serious sad story about a woman who had breast cancer and had to get a "vasectomy." Immediately my Mom kindly corrected me and said, "I think you mean, "Masectomy." I was so embarrassed! I thought it was vIsectomy for the guy and vAsectomy for the woman, I was WRONG!
Talk about humiliating, but I could totally see God in it as I laughed (and cried) inside, I know Lord, I asked for this didn't I?"
You see, I have always felt like I needed to make it apparent that I know EVERYTHING, although everyone but myself knows that is impossible anyway. I obviously don't have some kind of degree in medical terms, so obviously I might "botch" a few medical words up right? Who cares if people laugh at me, I am finding out it's OK that I don't know everything and no one expects me to. And if some people do expect me to, that is an issue in themselves because they too are probably afraid of being found out.
I noticed that since meeting Ruslan in 1998, I was always so intimidated by his vast amount of knowledge, and his incredible memory and understanding and love of History and Geography, my two worst subjects! So I would find myself feeling so incredibly IGNORANT every time he asked me a question. I constantly heard myself saying, "I don't know," and it was really humiliating, I thought he would think I was the dumbest girl ever! Well as you can see he either likes dumb girls or he found out there's more to me than my lack of knowledge in certain areas!:)
Anyway to make a long blog longer :), I am finding out that it's not only about what we know, but how real we are. It has been a painful, healing, vulnerable time for me as I let go of all of my safety, coping skills and reach out to my loving, Father God's hand, as He leads and guides me. I am finding that His system is so many times the complete opposite of the way I think I am supposed to act or be. I am just supposed to be me, and yes the truth is, some people won't like me.
I will have to save some of the other layers next blog this is probably long enough already.
I hope this inspires you to be you, cuz YOU are one of a kind and everyone needs to know what God put inside of YOU!
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