Marriage isn't just about SEX (part 2)

Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.. :(  Yep, life happened again, for some reason it doesn't stop when I stop?

So I was feeling so confused and alone... (read part 1 if you are haven't already it will help you understand this better)
Finally I got up off of my bed.  Trying to have some time alone with the Lord to get answers wasn't working.  I needed to get outside of my mind, I needed a face to face with someone. And I knew I needed to share with Ruslan what was going on but I felt so afraid to share with him because I didn't want him to worry that it was worse than it was...but I think the truth is I still hate when I am weak, especially when it comes to insecurity because I have believed that if I share when I feel insecure, it will make me seem less lovable, less "all together" and beautiful. 
I came into Ruslan's office at home and sat down trying to not seem too pathetic, he asked what was going on.  I just started spilling out everything that I wrote on part 1 and he listened very lovingly.  I then realized from saying it all out loud, that because I felt rejected by some people I love, I suddenly was afraid that Ruslan would want to reject me too, and so therefore, I started rejecting myself before he could even get the chance (so strange how control works).  I realized that in my feeling "single and attractive" when being out by myself that day, I was still believing the lie that if I wasn't attractive to the world anymore then Ruslan would stop being attracted to me.  I started thinking about how NOT perfect I was and how my body was not the way I wanted it, and it was starting to scare me again to think of aging, and losing my attractiveness.  So then I had spiraled way out of control into a big fat lie!  Yet part of me obviously still believed that lie because it felt so real, so true.

The more I talked to Ruslan the more I realized as a child, I saw that my father wasn't faithful to my mother and it seemed that (from a child's perspective) once she became "unattractive" in his opinion, (gained some weight) he got bored and started looking somewhere else...being unfaithful, which then led to divorce.  So to me that meant once I get older, or gain weight, then Ruslan and I would stop being intimate and Ruslan would get bored and go find someone else.  Which also translated into
marriage = sex.  Our culture seems to say good sex is only when you have a perfect body and a certain size breasts.  Therefore, I was afraid that soon I wouldn't fit that description anymore and it was inevitable that someday Ruslan would be bored and done. What a horrible feeling! (It was pretty subconscious though sneaking up here and there)

Ruslan so kindly assured me of that being a total lie and that he didn't just marry me for sex (haha it even sounds funny saying it, but it felt so good to hear the truth breaking through that lie).  I also broke agreement with those lies that I believed since a child, and I asked God for His truth...which was so cool, because I heard him say Ruslan will never divorce you.  It just felt so reassuring because I know that God knows Ruslan's heart even more than Ruslan.  Ruslan of course confirmed that as well. :)

I definitely saw once again how much the Devil hates marriage especially successful marriages, and he has been using a very strategic plan to destroy marriages and make people believe that the exciting more alluring thing is never committing, and only focusing on the outward appearance.  I am so sad to see that so many of us have bought into it.  But praise God for His help in unveiling the lies, and for bringing inner healing and health.

Marriage isn't just about SEX

 I received a request to talk about SEX.  I realized, yeah, I haven't really talked much about sex.  What would I write if I write about sex?  And actually something recently came up.  I am recognizing the Lord wants me to share the processes He has walked me through so that other people can get that freedom to.  I don't always like walking through the tough things, but there is a joy and fulfillment in knowing that atleast it will help someone else along this journey of life.  This is a very fresh and recent revelation, and I am yet again surprised at only JUST NOW getting this clarity, this is DEFINITELY an area that truth comes and then being bombarded by our confused culture, starts to fade again.  Although with each incident, there is a deeper level of revelation that goes deeper than the last...anyway... I may be rambling so I don't have to start sharing what I am talking about...OK I'll stop lollygagging...

So I was in the car driving alone with out kids or husband and thinking about how I felt single again, and was remembering the single days and how I actually don't miss them much at all!  I also noticed that four different guys at four different stops, would look at me with a very flirtatious almost seductive look, and I could feel the familiarity of it.  I was excited to realize that that is what I used to struggle with growing up, was thinking I needed to grab the attention of EVERY guy who passed me by, thinking that it proved my sexiness, therefore my worth as a woman.  I never had a desire to have sex with them or wish that they would take me home with them, but just knowing that I was approved as woman.  Plus there was power I felt in knowing that I could catch many eyes (this is feeling very vulnerable right now...). 

Later on in life I have seen that I learned this way of thinking from something that happened to me (I'll share sometime, it wasn't family related), and also having a father who didn't always know how to affirm me as a woman, plus a mother who never knew her amazing worth and beauty.  Once I became a teenager my dad wasn't always sure how to show affection, and he really wasn't good with compliments, he would more often joke and do things like sing a silly tune, "we wear short shorts, if you dare wear short shorts..." I had to choose from one or two meanings in my mind; either he was saying my shorts were too short and I needed to change, or he was saying wow you are turning into a beautiful young lady and showing that you have beautiful legs.  I chose the second meaning because I also liked how other guys gave their approving stares or glances.

So back to being in the car.  I drove home and kinda had those thoughts still rolling in my mind.  That night I dreamed about a woman who was planning on getting divorced and I was very passionately telling her that is wasn't OK, it wasn't hopeless there was still a way to fix the marriage!  Another woman came and told her testimony of me helping her to not choose divorce and the first woman was intently listening.

I woke up from that dream feeling the sadness of divorce.

That day I experienced some major rejection having to do with some people very close to me.  It stirred up some old wounds of rejection that I thought I dealt with...  As I was in my room alone thinking about those lies and how real they felt, I wasn't sure where to turn or what to do, all I could think about was how depressed I suddenly felt, all I wanted was some form of comfort any comfort, something to take my focus off of feeling so isolated, alone, misunderstood, hurt...

"Where was all this coming from? Was it an attack? Was it going backwards in the freedom that I knew I had in this area? Lord what is going on??" 

I also felt like I didn't want to bring it up with Ruslan cuz I didnt' want him to think I was majorly struggling with something, but I felt so alone and stuck, like the walls were caving in on me...
I went another day trying to process this strange fear, pain, anger, and even self worth deteriorating.  I even started thinking about Ruslan probably getting bored with me, and not wanting to be with me anymore.
It was such a blindsiding, I was so confused.  Just two days earlier I was feeling wonderful, totally fulfilled completely happy, and loving life??  I knew there was some root issue or demonic attack, but I wasn't getting ANY clarity!?
(I am going to stop here for now but I will finish...)

Words of Wisdom that have changed the course of my LIFE

I was sitting here thinking about helpful advice or words of wisdom, or basic revelations that I've gotten that really transformed my way of seeing things, and I wanted to share those with you now.

"Some things just take time" - I have mentioned this before but this one I used to fight more stubbornly than a goat.  I now recognize I was always in a hurry because I was driven by believing we were running out of time, because "Jesus is coming soon!" (I am actually writing more about that in my book that I am working on!)  I always have been more of an impatient, sort of dominant, "get it done" type of gal, so when I had to wait for the process of something it irked me to no end.  Or when I was working on a project and I was missing an integral part and it was gonna take an extra hour to finish, I would be so frustrated!  I needed it to be finished now! So I could get onto more important things. 
I have begun to recognize the HUGE value of wholly being where I am at and finishing something with all that I have got.  Stopping to "smell the roses."  Detaching myself from my goal to look my son in the face as he tells me his really important story about the frog outside.  Leaving the dishes in the sink so I can have an extra half hour cuddling with my huz.  Letting Joel drop the flour in the bowl while I crack the eggs in (even though it takes twice as long ;)).  I have found a new joy in cooking because of learning to take the time.

No trauma for children, if "atunement"is offered- This was LIFE altering for me!  A very knowledgeable Christian psychologist, Dr. Lehman, happened to visit our group when we lived in Redding, and this was one of the greatest nuggets I took home. Basically he shared that even if a very hurtful or harmful thing happens to your child, if there is someone healthy  to offer atunement then they will be able to process it and heal instead of coming to their own child conclusion which is usually very wrong and confused.
Having been abused at a young age (not by a family member and I will share that freedom at some point), I didn't realize that was the driving fear in my mind of protecting my children.  I was so afraid of anything ever happening to them and damaging their perspective, their innocence, or having to deal with trauma and every other horrible after effect"  So when I heard this incredible truth,  it was a gigantic mountain lifted off of my shoulders, and fear disintegrated.  I now had power to help if ever something did happen, because I know Ruslan and I are pretty healthy parents (not perfect), we love each other dearly, we love God, we love our kids, and we are in constant communication with them.  So yay!  We can know that if we love them unconditionally and are there for them through hard stuff it will all work together for the good! Praise Jesus!

This too shall pass -I think this one has helped A TON with children the most.  Tough stages for us have always been the "turbulent threes" we thought we were getting away with the terrible twos until BAM! Three hit!  And of course for me, birth is where I have always used this saying.  It helped so much to picture myself holding that darling baby that was about to present his/herself at any minute now, any hour now...anyway you get the idea. :) Oh and difficult stretching situations like nerves right before shooting a wedding, I would just think of the reality, that tomorrow this will all be done and I will already be editing these beautiful images, it's all gonna be wonderful, I can do this!


Ask more questions I wrote a blog titled this, but for those of you who missed it, this has been a more recent development, but a wonderful new found peace.  "You mean I don't have to know everything!?"  I can ask questions, and not assume that I should know what they are talking about, or that it might hurt their feelings if I admit that I didn't understand what they meant.  You mean,  I can ask if that facial expression really meant that they were disappointed in me, or angry with me, or annoyed with me? You mean you weren't even paying attention to what I was saying, you were just thinking about all the dishes you had waiting for you at home!?  You mean I can ask you for more information please!?
What a relief!!!!!!! :)

Slow down you will be happier - I was noticing one day how easily annoyed I was getting with everything, everyone, and anything that got in my way!  I stopped for a moment recognizing how poopy I was being.  "Lord why am I so easily irritated today?"
"Because you are in such a hurry." I immediately heard in my spirit.
"What!? How would that make sense?" I shot back.
So I began to think on that quite a bit and I purposely, literally just slowed down my pace of even doing dishes, instead of rushing to get it over with I decided to make sure I wasn't missing any spots and seeing if there was anything extra I could do that I usually didn't pay attention to, like washing the back splash by the sink.  Ever sense that day, I have paid attention to my pace when I am really moving fast and trying to hurry hurry hurry, I intentionally slow down, and remind myself this is what I am doing and I am going to do it well.  I welcome the Holy Spirit to commune with me as I do whatever it is I'm doing, and I welcome the interruptions from the children. I feel so much more peace, and joy when I remember to pay attention.  It has majorly shifted my perspective.