I love having a teenager!

I was at the salon the other day and a nice guy was cutting my hair and we ended up talking about having teenagers.  He mentioned that he didn't know what that was like yet, but he wasn't looking forward to it.  I started talking about how much I was enjoying this new stage with my son becoming a teenager, and how I actually loved having a teenager.  He kept cutting, and had a quizzical look on his face as he said:
"I have never heard anyone say that before?"

So that's what brought on my blogging for today.

I think God must have put that into my DNA but I love to challenge the thinking of anything. Not in a negative way or trying to make someone wrong, I seriously just enjoy dissecting, mulling over, turning upside down, looking at every angle of every situation or statement made.  I am sure this annoys some people, and I am not trying to annoy you, but I seriously enjoy this process of finding out where someone is coming from, how they see the world, and how I see the world, leading  to always wondering God's perspective.  I have also learned to keep quiet in this process within myself, unless it seems helpful or encouraging.  So my intention in this blog is always to encourage a new thought process, not to say yours is wrong.

I love seeing all his diff styles he tries

As Daniel (my 13 1/2 yr old) has started to grow into the young man that he is becoming, I have seriously enjoyed the process of watching his maturity, his mistakes, his learning, his wisdom, and his new thought processes.  It is so enjoyable to see him try out this new life as he makes new friends, finds his niche, tries new things, and just experiments with life as he goes. I have felt such peace and reassurance as I know that my husband and I are in this together.  There are times that I know I am overreacting as a mom and I check in with Ruslan to make sure Daniel isn't being too daring, too harsh, too mean, too risky, too independent, isn't pushing the limits too much etc...Ruslan is there to reassure me that he is only a boy, and a teenager.  I love the trust we have built and are still building as we entrust Daniel with more and see his responsibility strengthen his foundation, and we entrust more to him.  A few keys that we have found extremely helpful in this process are the following:

Not getting upset when I want to experiment with more photos :)

Be transparent/honest

I have learned that I myself have to be completely honest and real with my feelings and and let Daniel know when I get my feelings hurt by him.  We have to admit when we hurt him and apologize for stepping on his toes, or making a decision without finding out his heart on it first.  Also we have had to make it VERY clear how important honesty is on his behalf.  If we can't trust his word then we can't trust him to be away from us, because we can't see what he's doing all the time.  He has learned to value this trust and keep that bridge strong, he wants privileges, and above all he truly wants us to be proud of him.  
It's not always easy to be honest about when I get my feelings hurt or when I need to be strong on an issue that I know he won't like,  but I see our relationship changing and maturing.  As he becomes a friend to us in some ways and we with him, he always knows we are still the Parents and he may not always agree with our decision but he too has to trust us and our heart for his best.  We have to tell him when his joking with us crosses the line, or when it's perfectly appropriate.  

 

Trust him/ equip him - know that he WILL make mistakes

 I was so excited when I asked the Lord a few years ago, "OK Lord what is my role as Mama, with Daniel now as he is shifting from training and discipline?"
I immediately heard the Holy Spirit say, "Equipping."
I was thrilled, my spirit got excited, I knew this would be a fun stage. I love to equip people, and part of that is beginning to trust them and entrust them with things to grow and learn in.  I don't have to be so involved in training and discipline so much but listening, coming alongside, offering suggestions, correcting critiquing (occasionally, but mostly encouraging), hearing how he processes, listening to his thoughts and ideas on how to handle situations, guiding him with his ideas, admitting that I don't have all the answers but have a lot of experience to share.  Enjoying who he becomes.  Knowing that Ruslan and I have a strong relationship and that in itself is a HUGE safe haven for Daniel to learn and grow from.

Be involved/be interested in what he's interested in his life
I love watching him in his new world.  We all remember the day he decided to go long boarding for the first time in our neighborhood about a year and a half ago, and suddenly he befriended half the neighborhood. :)
 He is learning how to be a peer, how to serve others and consider them as people, how to help his friends in their struggles with life, how to make wise decisions in the midst of pressure from friends to do things he knows aren't the right choice for him, how to stand up for his beliefs and morals.  Ruslan and I love asking Daniel how his time was with his friends and just listening to how their time is spent, the silly things they do, the not so wise things they sometimes try (and we make clear boundaries again), and we know he probably doesn't tell us every single thing but we trust his heart and he wants to do what is right and good, he wants God's best for his life when it all comes down to thinking that through.

Connect him to God/live that example

I know without a doubt God's got Daniel's back. I also know that Daniel without a doubt knows who God is.  We have taught about God our whole lives, but not only that he has seen God be a reality in our lives.  He has learned to hear God for himself and spend time with Him to make Him a priority.  I am not saying he does this all the time, but he knows that's what he wants, God has revealed Himself to Daniel and spoken personally to him about his life.  That is something only God can do and I am thankful that we could lead him in that direction to find God.  Daniel knows he can always come to us for questions about God and seeing our example of daily living in communication with the living Holy Spirit.  This bring so much peace to my life and heart as a Mama. 

I love seeing him interact with his lil sister, seeing him play piano

Listen

This in itself can be one of the MOST valuable tools of all next to God of course.  So many times I get myself in trouble with just spouting out my way of seeing things with what I think Daniel means
and then half way through I think about the fact that I didn't even ask any clarifying questions or where he was coming from, or if he has more information.  I have to be a safe place for him to process out loud, with out coming in like a sledge hammer with my ways of doing things or seeing things.  Especially because we are the complete opposite in relating to people.  I have no problem with verbal processing, boldness and openness and saying what I really feel (in love of course) he on the other hand is a peace maker and is very pensive about how he makes someone feel, he wants people to feel safe and loved and cared for (which is an incredible gift), I even learn from him now in some things, it's such a beautiful exchange and growth that happens as we too as parents are vulnerable and real, but still knowing our place as the final authority and having more wisdom in experience and years than this new teenager (even if at first he forgets this :)).

Am I a good Mom?

Am I a good Mom?

 
I have been a "Mama" now for 13 1/2 years! Wow! Just writing that feels like an accomplishment in itself, I feel like patting myself on the back right now simply thinking of all those sleepless nights, all that nursing, changing diapers, dealing with tempers, potty training four times, dealing with owies, thankfully no broken bones,  loving my children through everything, my children loving me through all of my mistakes, the power of grace and forgiveness, cooking ALL those meals, doing all those never ending dishes! WOW! I am suddenly feeling better about my beginning question. And I still have years and years to go!

Wow Mom (Lynn), I still sit in awe and wonder at how you did this 10 times????


One thing that I have recognized is that this unnerving unrelenting question always comes back to poke at me, daring me to question myself.  Maybe I am not a good Mom, maybe I am failing? What if I thought I was doing OK but come to find out, I really am ruining my children and their future, and not teaching them enough about God, or how to be successful in this life?
I start to get that sinking feeling inside of pure failure, and total hopelessness... discouragement.  Then I start being really grumpy with my whole family as if I can't do good enough anyway, might as well prove that it's true, I have no idea how to be the perfect Mom, I don't know all the answers, I don't know how to "train them in the way they should go aggggg!!!!!!!!!"
Then I remember... and I head to my room to be alone withe Lord.
"Father, am I failing as a Mom am I doing anything right? Are my children going to grow up and forget who You are?  Will they be successful and live out their dreams, are they smart enough through homeschooling to be successful at real jobs and find careers that they will thrive in?"


"Daddy, what is the lie I am believing right now?"
"That it's all up to you."
I begin crying, then sobbing, releasing all the pressure back on the shoulders of the One who bore it all for me, for my children, for this whole entire world!
"Oh Father, how silly I can be, thinking I could have all the answers, all the perfect ways to raise up my children, I can't even think what to make for dinner sometimes, and you even help me with that.  Thank you that you have always been so faithful to me, and always there for us, thank you that I have my amazing husband and best friend, Ruslan who helps to remind me as well that I am not failing, that I am forgivable in my mistakes, that I will make more mistakes and it's still OK."

"My perfect love casts out ALL fear"
More sobs.

"Oh My God, My perfect, perfect God, thank YOU that your love is perfect and without conditions, that your love can bring perfect peace to even the biggest issues in life.  I release the fears and the lies that I am supposed to be perfect and have all the answers regarding my children.  Thank you for all the amazing people in my life who are willing to come alongside our family and love us and for our church who also helps train my children in the way they should go too.  That you are bringing mentors alongside my older son to train him in things I don't even have talent for.  I love your ways oh God, you've got my back don't you? I am no alone.  Thank you for my Mom who pioneered the way for me to also homeschool and feel that we can do that, thank you for my sister who home schools her daughter and has home schooled her boys through high school and gives me advice and wisdom...I am not alone.  Thank you for technology and people who are willing to put tutorials out there for those of us who are wanting to learn more in areas we aren't trained in yet or even gifted in."
I love that saying: "It takes a village to raise a child"
I LOVE that I AM NOT ALONE in this! 

What if we've had it all backwards with our lives?

What if we are supposed to raise our children and be there for our children and THEN pursue our "career" after the children have grown? Or to intentionally find things to make a living that involve our children?

Joel and his Papa

 

Now I know this might sound ridiculous to some and especially for some who have waited til a lot later to have children, but what if there's truth in this?

my hot rugged man working from home

Love his availability for coffee dates!

I have thought a lot about the state that we are in right now as our family has grown and years have passed and Ruslan has off and on wondered why he isn't still successful in the standards of this society.  He doesn't have the career that he imagined he would at this age (37) the money or the house that he pictured as a matter of fact we are still renting.  Each time we approach the subject it seems that God is continually pointing to the faithfulness of my husband, the great success he has had in being there for our children, in becoming the most amazing father husband ever (in our lives)!  I only see great fruit from the fact that Ruslan never got tied up or caught up in being at work all the time or studying for his degree so long he missed out on the children.

Melt my heart moments of Papa and Daughter

 

I know this might be touchy for some, and I am NOT saying that those things are wrong, not at all.  I am just wondering WHEN those things are actually supposed to come into play in a person's life who wants to have children and a family, a husband, or a wife.  I have seen the fruit of our children's lives as they have had total access to their parents and availability and openness to talk and discuss life with them.  My heart has exploded with the joy and deep satisfaction of watching my husband be interested in my teenage sons life, asking him every time he returns from time with friends, "How'd it go? What are your friends up to lately (knowing their names) truly finding interest in what Daniel does and what he's into.  I have seen the security in our teenager knowing that he is loved always, and protected, held accountable taught about the consequences of his decisions, heard, and that he is known.  

Watching my 2 year old daughter be able to climb up on Daddy's lap being welcomed every time and applauded as she comes in saying "woot Papa, woot!"(Look! Look!) As he adoringly gasps with pleasure at her new outfit I just put on her.

As we are considering the prospect of Ruslan working outside the home asking the children what their thoughts are, each one asking:

 "Does that mean Papa would be gone everyday?" (Joel`6 yrs)

"It's OK we don't need him to work somewhere else, because we have enough money, I really like Papa being home everyday." (Ian 10 yrs)

"I really like being able to visit with Papa everyday whenever I want to." (Daniel 13 yrs)

 

I am starting to hear a very clear message here.

I think it's in the heart of every child to have access to their parents, not to have the big house the beautiful car, the fun "things" without the parents being available.

I realize we have to make a living to raise a family, but I think there's more to it than that.

Our children need us. They desperately need us.  I just don't want us to fall into the trap of the "norm of society" that we are to sacrifice our children for our career.

Love his hands with hers

 

I honestly wonder if we aren't supposed to sacrifice our career and success for our children, or find things that make us still available to them, until they have come out of their very tender, mold-able, easily influenced state. I don't even know how that would look fully. But it's something I have really been pondering. I have seen the beautiful fruit in the security and solidness of our children as both my husband and I have been SO extremely blessed to have been able to be stay at home parents for the last 8 years (myself all of their lives-amazingly enough).

All I know is that I remember after getting married and seeing that my husband had to go to work everyday from 8-5, as I stayed home alone waiting for our son to bloom and grow inside my belly, I thought: 

"This is not what I signed up for! God I don't want to just be hone alone and not have my husband except for a few hours in the evening and weekends? I want more than this. I know it might sound ridiculous and impossible God, but I want my husband home, and I want him to be available to our children as they come into our lives."

I see that God heard my cry and He's willing to work with anyone who cries out for more, He makes a way where there seems to be NO WAY. Wow Lord God you are so faithful, thank you!

 

Don't be afraid to ask for the impossible, He wants to show you that with Him all things are possible, how awesome is that! Don't be afraid to think outside the "norm" of life and the cycles or ruts we've gotten caught up into, we may not even recognize that we are stuck in some things. Don't be afraid to ask for more than you have.

"Yeah, I would have done that differently..."

I recently have thought about how far I've come in my understanding of relationships and being real with who I am.  As a child growing up, the underlying tone of my father and most the adults in religious settings was "just obey and don't ask questions." Show good behavior, just do the right thing.  I don't know if it was just religious settings but that's where I felt it the most, personally.  Being a pretty "good girl" all my life, I knew the exact things to do and not say to keep peace with all people.

 It hadn't occurred to me that I was sacrificing who I really was, to please others.  It sorta snuck up on me.  I was watching a show in about 2004 called "Starting Over" and the life coach was trying to tell this woman that she wasn't genuine.  The girl was very insulted and was trying to prove that she was "doing" everything that the coach was requiring and didn't understand why she was saying that about being genuine.  The coach tried to describe it further, and finally she said, "You know those thoughts or opinions you have that you keep inside when someone is speaking, or acting, and you keep to yourself? That is what you genuinely feel and you need to be letting those out."

What??? Wow!  I think I am not fully genuine.  I thought as I watched.  From that moment on I gave permission to the Holy Spirit to help me find out who I really was.  I started asking Him to help me stretch in speaking out some of those things I actually think.

I remember a good example of how I used to be.  A friend of ours was sort of rhetorically saying, "I just can't seem to get the hard water stains off of the glass of my show doors."
As I listened to everything that she had tried, and hadn't been successful with, I thought, "That's weird that she doesn't know about vinegar." But didn't even think for a moment to speak out my suggestion.
Instead felt proud that I had already figured that out, and looked down on her for not knowing that yet.

I am embarrassed to even admit this as I write it, but, that's where I was.

I know that the biggest part of my growing up believing I should just obey and respect others, silenced me because I didn't want to ever be wrong, or out of line.  Fear of man became more of a power in me than who I really was.  I didn't know I could ask questions, or offer my opinion or advice, and it only furthered the gap between myself and relationship with others. I could never understand why people never got very close to me.  I had friends, but they never seemed to go as deeply as I would have liked.  Or I looked down on them because they didn't seem to want to be real, as I was so easily doing (strange deception).

All that to say, thank God He didn't leave me that way.  He called me out of my cocoon and showed me it was a safer place than I thought to be real and open and honest with others.  I have learned to ask questions, to not assume so many things. To learn from others.  To not have to have all the answers on my own.  To get more information, and come to a more realistic conclusion, including the person on my overall picture of who they were.  It has been so freeing and exhilarating to not always think the worst or take so personally things that are most often misunderstandings, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

I am enjoying, getting to be who I really am.  It's so much less stressful, and when I do make a mistake it feels so much more feasible to fix my mistakes instead of running, or wanting to blame someone else.  I get to be a grown up and own up to my imperfections. It feels wonderful.

You are NOT alone in this world

I painted many pictures in 2006-2008 and this one was representing the tears of Father God over the aborted babies through out the years.  My heart is to put these in a children's book someday speaking to children of their call in life, their inheritance, and living in the fulness of God's glory on this earth...

 

Anyway I haven't finished all the paintings, but I  rotate displaying them on our easel in the kitchen and a few days ago as I was looking at this one, I felt the Lord really highlighting the womb.

I feel that in this year we are going to see a lot of "babies" born, and I am not only speaking in the natural.  I have already been experiencing the Lord answering prayers and the breaking into of promises.  Also that He is taking a lot of us deeper into complete healing and wholeness. Not just outward, not just spiritual, but ALL AROUND wholeness.  It's strange how we can go so long partially living.   Either I have been too spiritual, not even considering the physical, then too physical thinking or hoping that something in reality could fulfill my spiritual longing.  But those donuts just don't quite cut it, when it come to the in-satiating hunger of my spirit, longing for the depths of God's love.  I am also SUPER excited to see the Holy Spirit literally leading people back to times in the WOMB where lies were believed and false identities were shoved upon them.  His powerful truth penetrates the lies and new bridges of truth are replaced into the brain, even new molds are formed to take in the new found truths.  I love my God He is so incredible!!  I also believe it's a time of being real, allowing others in IN THE MIDST of hard times, struggles, temptations, addictions, deceptions, not waiting until these things are overcome on our own, but welcoming in the troops (family, friends, church family) to stand with us, and sometimes for us. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

I literally was taken back, in a time of ministry, to a clear picture of myself in the womb.  I was that tiny little fetus and I felt rejected. I could feel the symptoms in my spirit, and for some reason I thought I wasn't welcomed. It turns out in reality at that time my Mother, who completely loved me and was joyful to be carrying her 4th child, DID NOT want to be in labor that day, she even fought the labor as it's intensity gripped her body.  She ended up hemorrhaging afterwards because of not wanting it to be happening, and not working WITH her body, but against it.  The Lord revealed to her what had happened and she repented for not partnering with His timing and agreeing with what her body was telling her.  So I as this little newborn came out FIGHTING! I literally could feel the the emotions as the Lord showed me that time (because I couldn't remember it on my own as newborn) and I felt that I needed to PROVE I was worth being present, and I was coming "whether you like it or not." So I broke agreement with the lie that I always need to fight for my place, for my voice, for my worth...and then for the exciting part I asked Father God what He thought of me in the womb.  I immediately saw me in the womb but separate from teh body, just round and surrounded floating inside, and the Lord was so delighted in me he was showing me off,  and this is the funny part he was spinning me around on His fingertip like a basketball, so excited for my arrival!!  That day I got set free from rejection, it was AMAZING!

I really love this song, I can hear the Lord's heart in it. (disclaimer, I don't know a ton about any of his work or if he's a clean DJ, but this song is beautiful and from the heart)

"I Am your shadow" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHEe9AtVGLM

Dr. Suess prophesies again!

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."      

Dr. Seuss 

 

I just finished watching The Lorax, and I really felt inspired to write this blog. I literally was yelping and jumping up and down praising Jesus for the HOPE that is in His kingdom, I was yelling out "Thank You Jesus! You are so real, you are so exciting, woo hoo!" 

As Joel knowingly smiled at me, used to his Mama and her spontaneous out-bursts.

Oh my gosh! This saying excites me soooooo much!! 

Dr. Seuss is so prophetic!  I just love that he wrote these books years and years ago and isn't even alive and yet they are speaking into NOW today for us.

I don't know if many of you remember "Horton Hears a Who" and when it came out, but it debuted soon after Lou Engle talked about how God gave one of his students a dream about Dr. Seuss books and it was about that specific book that later became a movie.  It was in answer to their many prayers for abortion to stop.  God was speaking of the value of even one voice one tiny unborn voice and that "a person's a person no matter how small."

I just LOVE how God speaks to all of us and whoever is tuned in, even the unsaved people, they move forward with God's ideas.   So now as I watched the Lorax I saw so many parallels in what God is saying to us today.  Starting with confirming Josh's word at Christ's Center from last Sunday about planting that seed!  If God is telling you to plant a seed (give a hug, an encouraging word, call that friend, talk to that Mom, kiss your husband, rub your child's back, forgive that person that hurt you, reconcile with your sister, say hi to your neighbor, etc...) then do it! Don't worry about the outcome or don't take responsibility for the harvest, God brings the harvest, God plows the ground, we just get to partner with Him and listen to His heart and obey when He guides.  Each one of us has influence wherever we are. We can't look at our country and just assume we are doomed and that these big people, government, can just take over and tell us how to live, we must be asking God, what is our part? What can I do as a housewife, mother, photographer? What is my role Father? 

I loved how in the Lorax, it was the Grandmother who was speaking to the young boy reminding him of the past, history, and encouraging him to seek out the roots of the country what we were founded on? Then it was her who rode the scooter along side him as he raced to plant the seed that was given to him, to restart our present and begin a new legacy.  Not all on his own but WITH his family and his grandmother.  They were a team.  It was even the grandma that "broke up the fallow ground!"  The whole city had become one mind that had completely gone astray from their roots and their beginnings.  I am continually amazed at how powerless we can become when we start going along with popular belief.  If each of us will rise up where we are at and ASK GOD, "what is my role?" He will tell you.  You, personally and specifically, have a seed to plant!

I have been asking God and I have felt Him strongly remind me that my role is to be a voice, a voice of truth in any way I can.  It's starting in my home valuing family and putting family before career or success, putting God before family and making TIME for Him as a priority.  Loving my husband with my whole heart having a healthy loving marriage as an example to my children (the next generation).  My role is portraying God's beauty and reminding people of the greatness of God and His fun beautiful creative side, that brings joy life and celebration, through photography.  Allowing people to see the treasure in themselves through photography and encouraging words and prophecy.  As i have embraced these roles, I no longer feel powerless in the face of fear or politics or all the craziness happening in the world, because I am sowing GOOD seed, for a generation of purity, Christ mindedness, faithful marriages, whole relationships between family, honest business practices, a confident self image and worth in Christ not in the world's opinion of me.  I can honestly say I am living another of Dr. Seuss's prophetic statements:

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss

This is how I feel about God and all that's brewing in His heart and mine

 

Please just STOP right this moment and ask, it doesn't have to be a long involved intercessory hour or hours, simply ask:

"Father what is the seed you have for ME to plant in my sphere of influence, starting today, right now?"

Now write down whatever He impressed on your heart and DO IT! :) And He may give you an answer for today or for the theme of your life, but always check back in ask daily. It's really quite fun!!

 

 

 

Marriage isn't just about SEX (part 2)

Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.. :(  Yep, life happened again, for some reason it doesn't stop when I stop?

So I was feeling so confused and alone... (read part 1 if you are haven't already it will help you understand this better)
Finally I got up off of my bed.  Trying to have some time alone with the Lord to get answers wasn't working.  I needed to get outside of my mind, I needed a face to face with someone. And I knew I needed to share with Ruslan what was going on but I felt so afraid to share with him because I didn't want him to worry that it was worse than it was...but I think the truth is I still hate when I am weak, especially when it comes to insecurity because I have believed that if I share when I feel insecure, it will make me seem less lovable, less "all together" and beautiful. 
I came into Ruslan's office at home and sat down trying to not seem too pathetic, he asked what was going on.  I just started spilling out everything that I wrote on part 1 and he listened very lovingly.  I then realized from saying it all out loud, that because I felt rejected by some people I love, I suddenly was afraid that Ruslan would want to reject me too, and so therefore, I started rejecting myself before he could even get the chance (so strange how control works).  I realized that in my feeling "single and attractive" when being out by myself that day, I was still believing the lie that if I wasn't attractive to the world anymore then Ruslan would stop being attracted to me.  I started thinking about how NOT perfect I was and how my body was not the way I wanted it, and it was starting to scare me again to think of aging, and losing my attractiveness.  So then I had spiraled way out of control into a big fat lie!  Yet part of me obviously still believed that lie because it felt so real, so true.

The more I talked to Ruslan the more I realized as a child, I saw that my father wasn't faithful to my mother and it seemed that (from a child's perspective) once she became "unattractive" in his opinion, (gained some weight) he got bored and started looking somewhere else...being unfaithful, which then led to divorce.  So to me that meant once I get older, or gain weight, then Ruslan and I would stop being intimate and Ruslan would get bored and go find someone else.  Which also translated into
marriage = sex.  Our culture seems to say good sex is only when you have a perfect body and a certain size breasts.  Therefore, I was afraid that soon I wouldn't fit that description anymore and it was inevitable that someday Ruslan would be bored and done. What a horrible feeling! (It was pretty subconscious though sneaking up here and there)

Ruslan so kindly assured me of that being a total lie and that he didn't just marry me for sex (haha it even sounds funny saying it, but it felt so good to hear the truth breaking through that lie).  I also broke agreement with those lies that I believed since a child, and I asked God for His truth...which was so cool, because I heard him say Ruslan will never divorce you.  It just felt so reassuring because I know that God knows Ruslan's heart even more than Ruslan.  Ruslan of course confirmed that as well. :)

I definitely saw once again how much the Devil hates marriage especially successful marriages, and he has been using a very strategic plan to destroy marriages and make people believe that the exciting more alluring thing is never committing, and only focusing on the outward appearance.  I am so sad to see that so many of us have bought into it.  But praise God for His help in unveiling the lies, and for bringing inner healing and health.

Marriage isn't just about SEX

 I received a request to talk about SEX.  I realized, yeah, I haven't really talked much about sex.  What would I write if I write about sex?  And actually something recently came up.  I am recognizing the Lord wants me to share the processes He has walked me through so that other people can get that freedom to.  I don't always like walking through the tough things, but there is a joy and fulfillment in knowing that atleast it will help someone else along this journey of life.  This is a very fresh and recent revelation, and I am yet again surprised at only JUST NOW getting this clarity, this is DEFINITELY an area that truth comes and then being bombarded by our confused culture, starts to fade again.  Although with each incident, there is a deeper level of revelation that goes deeper than the last...anyway... I may be rambling so I don't have to start sharing what I am talking about...OK I'll stop lollygagging...

So I was in the car driving alone with out kids or husband and thinking about how I felt single again, and was remembering the single days and how I actually don't miss them much at all!  I also noticed that four different guys at four different stops, would look at me with a very flirtatious almost seductive look, and I could feel the familiarity of it.  I was excited to realize that that is what I used to struggle with growing up, was thinking I needed to grab the attention of EVERY guy who passed me by, thinking that it proved my sexiness, therefore my worth as a woman.  I never had a desire to have sex with them or wish that they would take me home with them, but just knowing that I was approved as woman.  Plus there was power I felt in knowing that I could catch many eyes (this is feeling very vulnerable right now...). 

Later on in life I have seen that I learned this way of thinking from something that happened to me (I'll share sometime, it wasn't family related), and also having a father who didn't always know how to affirm me as a woman, plus a mother who never knew her amazing worth and beauty.  Once I became a teenager my dad wasn't always sure how to show affection, and he really wasn't good with compliments, he would more often joke and do things like sing a silly tune, "we wear short shorts, if you dare wear short shorts..." I had to choose from one or two meanings in my mind; either he was saying my shorts were too short and I needed to change, or he was saying wow you are turning into a beautiful young lady and showing that you have beautiful legs.  I chose the second meaning because I also liked how other guys gave their approving stares or glances.

So back to being in the car.  I drove home and kinda had those thoughts still rolling in my mind.  That night I dreamed about a woman who was planning on getting divorced and I was very passionately telling her that is wasn't OK, it wasn't hopeless there was still a way to fix the marriage!  Another woman came and told her testimony of me helping her to not choose divorce and the first woman was intently listening.

I woke up from that dream feeling the sadness of divorce.

That day I experienced some major rejection having to do with some people very close to me.  It stirred up some old wounds of rejection that I thought I dealt with...  As I was in my room alone thinking about those lies and how real they felt, I wasn't sure where to turn or what to do, all I could think about was how depressed I suddenly felt, all I wanted was some form of comfort any comfort, something to take my focus off of feeling so isolated, alone, misunderstood, hurt...

"Where was all this coming from? Was it an attack? Was it going backwards in the freedom that I knew I had in this area? Lord what is going on??" 

I also felt like I didn't want to bring it up with Ruslan cuz I didnt' want him to think I was majorly struggling with something, but I felt so alone and stuck, like the walls were caving in on me...
I went another day trying to process this strange fear, pain, anger, and even self worth deteriorating.  I even started thinking about Ruslan probably getting bored with me, and not wanting to be with me anymore.
It was such a blindsiding, I was so confused.  Just two days earlier I was feeling wonderful, totally fulfilled completely happy, and loving life??  I knew there was some root issue or demonic attack, but I wasn't getting ANY clarity!?
(I am going to stop here for now but I will finish...)

Words of Wisdom that have changed the course of my LIFE

I was sitting here thinking about helpful advice or words of wisdom, or basic revelations that I've gotten that really transformed my way of seeing things, and I wanted to share those with you now.

"Some things just take time" - I have mentioned this before but this one I used to fight more stubbornly than a goat.  I now recognize I was always in a hurry because I was driven by believing we were running out of time, because "Jesus is coming soon!" (I am actually writing more about that in my book that I am working on!)  I always have been more of an impatient, sort of dominant, "get it done" type of gal, so when I had to wait for the process of something it irked me to no end.  Or when I was working on a project and I was missing an integral part and it was gonna take an extra hour to finish, I would be so frustrated!  I needed it to be finished now! So I could get onto more important things. 
I have begun to recognize the HUGE value of wholly being where I am at and finishing something with all that I have got.  Stopping to "smell the roses."  Detaching myself from my goal to look my son in the face as he tells me his really important story about the frog outside.  Leaving the dishes in the sink so I can have an extra half hour cuddling with my huz.  Letting Joel drop the flour in the bowl while I crack the eggs in (even though it takes twice as long ;)).  I have found a new joy in cooking because of learning to take the time.

No trauma for children, if "atunement"is offered- This was LIFE altering for me!  A very knowledgeable Christian psychologist, Dr. Lehman, happened to visit our group when we lived in Redding, and this was one of the greatest nuggets I took home. Basically he shared that even if a very hurtful or harmful thing happens to your child, if there is someone healthy  to offer atunement then they will be able to process it and heal instead of coming to their own child conclusion which is usually very wrong and confused.
Having been abused at a young age (not by a family member and I will share that freedom at some point), I didn't realize that was the driving fear in my mind of protecting my children.  I was so afraid of anything ever happening to them and damaging their perspective, their innocence, or having to deal with trauma and every other horrible after effect"  So when I heard this incredible truth,  it was a gigantic mountain lifted off of my shoulders, and fear disintegrated.  I now had power to help if ever something did happen, because I know Ruslan and I are pretty healthy parents (not perfect), we love each other dearly, we love God, we love our kids, and we are in constant communication with them.  So yay!  We can know that if we love them unconditionally and are there for them through hard stuff it will all work together for the good! Praise Jesus!

This too shall pass -I think this one has helped A TON with children the most.  Tough stages for us have always been the "turbulent threes" we thought we were getting away with the terrible twos until BAM! Three hit!  And of course for me, birth is where I have always used this saying.  It helped so much to picture myself holding that darling baby that was about to present his/herself at any minute now, any hour now...anyway you get the idea. :) Oh and difficult stretching situations like nerves right before shooting a wedding, I would just think of the reality, that tomorrow this will all be done and I will already be editing these beautiful images, it's all gonna be wonderful, I can do this!


Ask more questions I wrote a blog titled this, but for those of you who missed it, this has been a more recent development, but a wonderful new found peace.  "You mean I don't have to know everything!?"  I can ask questions, and not assume that I should know what they are talking about, or that it might hurt their feelings if I admit that I didn't understand what they meant.  You mean,  I can ask if that facial expression really meant that they were disappointed in me, or angry with me, or annoyed with me? You mean you weren't even paying attention to what I was saying, you were just thinking about all the dishes you had waiting for you at home!?  You mean I can ask you for more information please!?
What a relief!!!!!!! :)

Slow down you will be happier - I was noticing one day how easily annoyed I was getting with everything, everyone, and anything that got in my way!  I stopped for a moment recognizing how poopy I was being.  "Lord why am I so easily irritated today?"
"Because you are in such a hurry." I immediately heard in my spirit.
"What!? How would that make sense?" I shot back.
So I began to think on that quite a bit and I purposely, literally just slowed down my pace of even doing dishes, instead of rushing to get it over with I decided to make sure I wasn't missing any spots and seeing if there was anything extra I could do that I usually didn't pay attention to, like washing the back splash by the sink.  Ever sense that day, I have paid attention to my pace when I am really moving fast and trying to hurry hurry hurry, I intentionally slow down, and remind myself this is what I am doing and I am going to do it well.  I welcome the Holy Spirit to commune with me as I do whatever it is I'm doing, and I welcome the interruptions from the children. I feel so much more peace, and joy when I remember to pay attention.  It has majorly shifted my perspective.

God loves this Country and I do too. :)

I think my first tendency used to be to remain ignorant when it comes to politics...But I have come to realize even though that "feels" better it isn't taking responsibility for what God might have for me to fulfill, being born and raised in this beautiful bountiful country.  Growing up my Mom had a tendency to be more fearful and worrisome about the things going on in the world, and my Dad didn't seem to be aware of it or care much.  I guess with out realizing I chose my dad's way only because it looked a little more peaceful...However, neither way was the perfect way.  Both my Mom and Dad were living two extremes.  Now at age 33, I think I am finally understanding things a bit more clearly.

I for sure feel overwhelmed at some of the things happening that are negative, but I have always had a tendency to be moreoptimistic and choose hope no matter how bad things look, that has definitely played out in my favor.  When I think of our leaders and the corruption, it feels really big and impossible, but then I go to God, and I begin to soak in His presence just sitting alone with Him and worshiping to some music and I begin to feel His tangible love and mercy, and everything suddenly becomes lighter.  I often have no idea what to pray for our leaders or our country so I worship God until He begins to pour out intercession through me, and many times I just cry and cry and cry, but I feel Him using that and changing my perspective and hope begins rising up.  I sometimes see visions in my mind's eye and I pray into those as I feel the Spirit leading, and it feels so good, it feels like my prayers are actually accomplishing things (because they are!).  I continue to ask the Lord what is my part, what role can I play in blessing this country and reminding my country and my people that this is our Nation under God, indivisible, with LIBERTY, and justice for all!  Father, how do we come against the onslaught of the enemy in all the evil that we are seeing...???

Well here are a few things that He has given me to stand in the midst of dry bones, or hopelessness:

One step at a time: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

I tend to think globally and of whole nations of people coming to the Lord, but I have found there is a lot of wisdom in Jesus' words, "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." That is, after we are loving God and allowing His love to flow through us so we truly love our neighbor.
But what does that look like?
Talk to your neighbor. :) Help them with their groceries, watch their children for an evening, offer your tools for their yard work, invite them for dinner, whatever you feel the Lord nudging you to do.  It is only by our daily walk and reaching our neighbor that we can change our neighborhood that we can release the Love of God to begin tearing down strongholds of division, independence, hatred, selfishness, political correctness.  After our neighborhood transforms, our town starts shifting, after our towns, our cities, after our cities, our states...you get the picture right. :)

Focus on YOUR sphere of influence, cuz you do have influence!
Remember that God has you where He wants you (unless you know you aren't where you are supposed to be)!  It isn't somewhere else, it isn't where revival is happening more, it isn't the next church where more spiritual things are happening, it's right inside of you. YOU are the resting place of God, if you will let ytourself be.  God said a broken and contrite spirit He will not deny, but He resists the proud.  He is looking for the hungry hearts who will do what they can with what they have, where they are at! :) Yeah!  It isn't somewhere in the future, it's now, in your backyard, at your bbq, at the movie theater, with your friends who you are embarrassed to mention Jesus to.  It's right where you are at.  Your friends are watching you, your family is watching you, you have influence and authority with the ones you love.  Jesus only moved with compassion, use that compassion and ask Holy Spirit what He wants to do today.  It's NOT somewhere else.

Find GOOD testimonies of what's happening in America.
There are actually some very exciting things going on ALL over America.  Think of Redding for example, 1000's of people are coming in every year to meet with God get more of Him to know how to reach their cities.  Here in Eugene Oregon, our Pastor's heart is to unite the Churches, imagine how powerful it will be when ALL churches start moving together in unity instead of fighting each other.  A huge abortion facility in Texas was SHUT DOWN recently! People are rising up and standing for life!

Ask God what your role is in your city, and what cause to stand with or for.
Don't compare yourself to other people's roles!  You are designed for something uniquely you!  You might be called to Mother your children and prepare the next generation to be pure and set apart.  You might be called to stand in prayer for people who are up front in visible ministries.  You might be called to bring change to the business realm having a business that is done in integrity and excellence.  You might be one who sows into feeding the poor or stopping abortion.  You might be one called to cook the most amazing meals to bless others and show God's extravagance!  You might be called to be the most loving neighbor anyone has ever encountered.  Only you know and God knows so start asking where do you begin.  What do you have in your possession?  Maybe you need to be sharing your beautiful roses with people who love roses.  Maybe you need to be dancing more, even in your own living room.  God will show you your part and it will be clear, it's not somewhere else!
I feel super excited about what God is doing in our nation, I believe it is never hopeless as long as God is on the throne! 
Also just ask God if there is something locally happening that you can be a part of in helping your community, or somewhere you can sow financially? Or maybe it's nursery in your church? Anything to help serve others...if you are already doing this ask God if you are to change anything or if you are on the right track?

DO NOT PARTNER WITH NEGATIVITY.
 It's like smearing Poo all over yourself and then everyone you come into contact with gets some on them too. It's not good!
 Ask God how He sees things.  Ask for His perspective.  Seriously!  Even as you are reading this sit still for 5 more minutes and ask God to reveal His view.  He may give you a scripture or a picture, or a song, or words. Pay attention He will speak to you.  Write it down, and when you are tempted to believe the circumstances, read that word, or ask Him again, He can show you more! :)

I love you all! I love this country!  And best of all God loves our nation!

"Babies come from where???!"

I will never forget the hilarious jaw dropping, face contorting expression, Ian got on his face when I told him where babies made their entrance into this world. It has been quite a fun journey training these boys in the ways of life. :)

I have found that children are often the ones (in a healthy home, with freedom to ask questions) to let us know when they are needing more information.  I was unsure with my first son, being the first, when to give WHAT information. As I am on my 4th child and have learned as they've grown, I have loved seeing how each one is different as well.  But one pattern I have noticed is their curiosity and questioning seems to peak at about the same times in life.  I have found that when they ask a question I give them a little bit of info. if they aren't satisfied they ask for more, so I give more.  Sometimes a very basic answer was all they needed. Sure enough a few weeks, or even months later, they have a new question regarding the same issue.  For example Joel was asking where Abi came out of my body.  I asked him where he thought she came out.  He proceeded to suggest maybe from my belly, my foot, my side, and I just kept saying no, and pretty soon he was distracted and running off to go play wit his brother.  I didn't even need to explain yet.

Also it's good to pay attention to how the kids are reacting to things, for example.  One of my sons at about 7 years old seemed to be reacting VERY strongly to anything mentioning kissing, or when a revealing scene would flash on a movie that we would skip, or even the mention of the word sex, even if referring to gender.  So I was asking the Lord about it and asking my son questions about how it made him feel or was he afraid of something etc...He wasn't quite sure.  I found some great books (found here) about the basics of sex and reproduction, because I could tell there was some misunderstanding on his behalf.  As we started reading these books in the room just he and I, every time I read the word sex, he would make that face, or make a zerber sound cuz he was so embarrassed.  Finally I said, "OK honey, let's pray and ask God if there is a lie you are believing about sex, or if sometime in your life you learned it's something bad?"
He agreed and we prayed.
Immediately he remembered someone freaking out and shaming him for accidentily saying the word "sex when he was about four years old." It was another kid who had said, "Don't ever say that word! It's bad! Don't ever say that again!"
So he repeated after me:
"I break agreement with the lie that sex is bad."
 Then he asked God what His thoughts were about sex.
God told him it wasn't bad if it was in marriage.
I was so excited for him hearing God and I could see the shame lifting off of him, it was so precious.
We finished the book series and he was able to repeat the word sex with out hiding his face, making noises, or contorting his face. :)

I am so thankful to have God involved in the process of raising kids, because only He knows their every thought, and He has been so faithful to help me recognize things that I might not have seen.  He also knows exactly what they need when I feel clueless.

If you yourself feel uncomfortable answering the "scary" questions with your children, or learning to call them out and ask them the hard questions, then you yourself should ask God if there are any lies you have been believing regarding sex or informing your children in this area.  Children are very attentive and receptive, and they know if you are uncomfortable to discuss this and they too will feel some sort of shame about it.  The good news is God can heal us in this area, He has brought a lot of healing and clarity to me. I am so thankful!  Once he reveals the lies to you or brings up some memories of times when you got the wrong impression of sexual things then ask God to reveal the lies and break agreement with them.  You can also ask if there is anyone you may need to forgive.

I would love to hear any questions you might have regarding this issue.

He wants us to hear

 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was NOT in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was NOT in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was NOT in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  (1 Kings 19: 11-13)

When I read this passage, something was nudging me about it.  I couldn't figure it out so I read it again. "Lord, why did you first give all those powerful demonstrations of Your power, yet you were not in the power, or destruction of the mountain, not in the fire?? What are you showing me Lord?"

I read it again.

I put it down and went about my day.  Later it came to me, the Holy Spirit deposited it into my spirit.  He is telling me that He wants His people to realize HE IS SPEAKING! And He always has been. 
For a long time in my life, I kept waiting for these spectacular moments that the Lord would speak audibly, or thunder from the clouds, or give me a clear vision out of nowhere.  I would think, "Lord, I will do whatever you say, whatever Your will is, if only I knew for sure it was You."  But I realized after many years that that was part of faith, believing it WAS indeed Him speaking to me.  I have journaled for many years and have practiced very practically learning to hear His voice, and TRUST that it's Him.  As I have stepped out in small things, He has confirmed again and again that I am hearing.  I would even test it with things, for example; when someone was calling (before we had caller ID) I would ask the Lord who was calling.  Sometimes I was wrong, but sometimes it was right on!  I would ask for how to pray for someone and step out in what I was feeling that I heard (it usually felt like my very own thoughts) and the person would confirm that it was exactly what they needed to hear! I would ask Him to reveal to me where something was when I lost it, or if someone lost their keys or shoes.

I feel like He is so wanting us to understand that He longingly wants us to tune into our natural senses and see what we see, what we hear in our minds, what we sense in our hearts.  He IS SPEAKING, we need to know that He wants us to hear.  

As I was driving to ladies group on our beautiful route here in Oregon looking out over green pastures and fields covered with lush green everywhere.  I was completely enjoying God's creation and taking in His great love for me, thinking through the past couple of days, and I was suddenly recognizing that He had been highlighting  a specific person to me.  Then I began to think about how tickled I was that He kept reminding me, because I obviously wasn't getting it.  That's when it hit me, He really wants me to hear this, and He knows I will eventually get it if He keeps nudging me, even if if it takes three different instances! :)  It's a relationship, and He wants my input and interaction, He doesn't just speak once, and get mad at me if I didn't hear, or say "you weren't listening, your fault you missed out." He never gives up on me, He loves me, He wants me to hear!  I was so excited I had a perma-grin all the way to ladies group.

Here's a great representation of my excitement :)

 

We don't have to teach our kids EVERYTHING...pheww!

I was at the park the other day admiring my sweet boys, Daniel and Ian playing on the park equipment, thinking about how Daniel is a pre-teen, and Ian is starting to seriously stepping into his own, being sure to challenge me on every suggestion, or requirement of him.  I was feeling so proud of them and their character and personalities, thinking I truly trust Daniel and his stance on life and his moral integrity, I am so excited to see how he will stand on his own and face life apart from us as his own person.  It hit me so strongly that I could fully stand in confidence knowing that my son is a well rounded good person, and will do well in life.  I realized I needed to start speaking more of my confidence in him and being sure to reassure him that I trust him in his decision making and to speak out loud my pride in him and his good works.

After the park time on our way home I did tell Daniel that I was very proud of him and I did trust him.  I could hear his gratitude in the thank you, and I felt so good about the peace I felt as well.

Of course, after that day, I have strongly been pondering this concept. What is our job as a parent in training our kids, how much do we teach them, how much do we teach by living the example?

Well it has started to become more clear, number one:I DON'T HAVE TO TEACH THEM EVERYTHING THEY WILL NEED TO KNOW FOR THEIR WHOLE LIVES!
I only need to prepare them with the tools to face the things they will face in this life. These are a few of those things I am discovering:
1. Putting a hunger in them to learn. 
 By stimulating their minds, not boring them with what I think they should know, not making sure they are getting in every possible detail, but by exposing them to many different ways of learning: computer research, writing, reading, learning from others who love to teach, trying NEW things, seeing how others live their lives, doing something that seems too difficult to do etc...
2. Expose them to the Living God.
God is big enough and powerful enough and loving enough to reveal Himself as we walk them to His door.  He says if they knock HE WILL open.  I believe our job is only to lead them to the door.  I feel that my example in my hunger for God, and my openness in worship, prayer, sillyness and unashamed faith and life in general is the most powerful tool I have to teach them about God.  I have found it's so important to teach my kids to hear His voice on their own,  because when they leave our home I won't be going with them neither will their Papa, I want them to know they will never be alone.  I also feel that asking them a lot of questions instead of just telling and teaching draws them out more than any other way. Exposing them to the Word of God to get their own revelations and experiences.
3. Having a thankful heart.
I believe if they can always find ways to be thankful no matter their situation, they will always thrive and look for ways to solve problems. This will also thwart that nasty spirit of entitlement.
4. Loving them unconditionally.
This of course can mean loving them enough to say no. To put up strong boundaries.  Trusting them to try things out and learn from their own mistakes. Believing in them.
Keeping up regular communication and speaking out when I am so proud of them or just love them.
 5. Keeping our marriage strong.
In my relationship to my husband I can totally see how important it is to keep our love strong because this is one of the strongest examples they have to learn from for their future lives.  When Ruslan and I are fulfilled and loving each other, then we are also MUCH better parents.

I know there's more but these were the basic things that help me keep it simple when I start worrying again that I haven't prepared them enough.  I am thankful for the grace we have as parents to learn as we go as well.  And I am so thankful that I am not expected to be perfect or teach my kids every single possible thing they will need to know when away from home. :) Phewwww!

I'm UNDONE!

I love His presence, it has become my very essence.
I see heaven it's reaching earth, we thought we were to pull, but I see, it's here, He's here, so near, so near.
Where are the angels, where are they now? I want to see beyond my eyes, I want to see. Open my spirit, open up open up, wake up, wake up, I'm alive, I'm alive! There it is I feel it, it's in my gut its beyond my understanding I can't comprehend it, but I feel it, my spirit longs for Him... leaping and leaping within, ready to explode and implode, yes! I say yes! I must release a sound, I must, I will, I am!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
LOUD!! and releasing, breaking, break open, break open, come and see come and see that He is good, He is real, He is near!
Where?
Right here! Oh my sweet sweet friend Holy Spirit, so powerful so full, so overwhelmingly everything, I have ever needed.
 I feel complete, with out a need.  So content completely content.
Sweets cannot even tempt me out of this sweet sweet presence. Entertainment is no comparison, it tugs at me as I rest in His presence... I am not interested.
I have found what I've been looking for!!!!!
Wings. I have wings! I'm flapping my wings, I'm flying, flying, flying, new places, new journeys, new revelations, new encounters, new ideas, new inventions, old ideas, good ideas, He has so many ideas! Arrest me for resting, cuz I know it's against our law, but I have found the key, I have found the trick, there is no trick, the truth is, ITS so simple.
He came He died, He rose, we are ALIVE! He lives so that I live! I am alive I am free. He loves me, I love Him, happily ever after, every single second of every single day!

There is resistance to slowing down

www.jkalashnikovphoto.com

We are enjoying listening to the Loving on Purpose  parenting series by Danny Silk in our homegroup.  I absolutely love it! I get so frustrated every time when I see all the places I haven't been applying the things I've learned and yet so encouraged by the awesome perspective and clear vision of what Danny presents, and how valuable parenting is. This is my husband and my 3rd time through this and each time we learn something new, and apply something more. 

As we were watching this last session, I was seeing Danny's extremely patient demeanor, and the process he mentions walking the kids through, and I am sitting there thinking, SO MUCH TIME! It takes so much time, to get the the heart of an issue with the children, or to stop and clean up a mess with them teaching them to clean their own mess, helping them with options and choices, (it takes time and creativity to even think of good choices to offer sometimes), it takes time to help the child get to the place of cleaning up his mess in forgiving his brother from a true place of repentance instead of just plopping down an "I'm sorry!" Then I began to realize, "well if I would just take the TIME, to stop what I am doing and give the time needed, then I actually could handle doing all this responsible parenting." :) 
 Some days I do really well, and some days I get so caught up in my activities that I forget what and who the priority is.  I have begun to recognize when I am getting too hurried. If I am in the kitchen rushing around cleaning off counter tops, swinging around to wash the dishes and GET REALLY ANNOYED when one of my darling children walk in and I almost run into them. Or when I am racing to get my son to bed so I can have my down time, and I feel UNDONE when he wants me to come read to him and I just don't feel like it! When I am so focused on my task: blogging (supposedly helping others learn things in my process of learning haha), editing photos, making dinner, painting, wanting to have an alone time with the Lord...I start to see when once again I allowed other things to come before the kids. I am not saying that I can't do those things, but when I continually am getting frustrated at the kids for needing my help, or asking so many questions, or just wanting Mama to not be busy, then I am saying I need to pull back from my activities and put them first.

The same thing happens in my desire to spend alone time with the Lord, often I feel the wooing of the Holy Spirit to steal away for a moment and just rest in His beautiful presence and it's very tempting and I actually really WANT to, I feel the excitement in my spirit and yet I find myself suddenly on Facebook, or blogging, or finding a snack to munch on, or sitting down to "check out" in front of an entertaining sitcom.  Not that that those things are bad (I had my days of being extremely religious about them being bad), but I notice the PULL towards distractions. It's very constant daily, and there is an extreme resistance to slowing down, just sitting and letting your mind rest and receive or be renewed in His sweet peaceful presence, instead of filling, doing, learning, accomplishing! I find that when I am finally sitting, and lately I notice that sometimes that is only in the bathroom on the "throne," I realize oops I did it again, I haven't taken time to slow down today, because it feels so nice and I really start to hear and see a lot clearer, I get better strategy for the day, I don't feel like I am in constant GO mode.  

Soooooo I have been asking the Lord for wisdom (James 1, if you ask for wisdom you will get it!) and guidance, to recognize when I am being too driven, and not slowing down, because I function SO much better when I have a plan, I am nicer to people and MUCH more patient, when I am not always moving forward to accomplish my plans. I take time to squeeze my son and tell him how much I love his sense of humor, I stop and watch the silly video they have been begging me to see, I don't miss the Que of a moment where I untied heart strings in my snapping at my son.  I don't get annoyed when my husband stops me and kisses me as I am rushing down the hall to put away laundry.  Being in a hurry robs me of the present, cuz I am always pushing towards the future. Holy Spirit let it not be so in my life.

When I slow down things become much more handle-able.