Marriage isn't just about SEX (part 2)

Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.. :(  Yep, life happened again, for some reason it doesn't stop when I stop?

So I was feeling so confused and alone... (read part 1 if you are haven't already it will help you understand this better)
Finally I got up off of my bed.  Trying to have some time alone with the Lord to get answers wasn't working.  I needed to get outside of my mind, I needed a face to face with someone. And I knew I needed to share with Ruslan what was going on but I felt so afraid to share with him because I didn't want him to worry that it was worse than it was...but I think the truth is I still hate when I am weak, especially when it comes to insecurity because I have believed that if I share when I feel insecure, it will make me seem less lovable, less "all together" and beautiful. 
I came into Ruslan's office at home and sat down trying to not seem too pathetic, he asked what was going on.  I just started spilling out everything that I wrote on part 1 and he listened very lovingly.  I then realized from saying it all out loud, that because I felt rejected by some people I love, I suddenly was afraid that Ruslan would want to reject me too, and so therefore, I started rejecting myself before he could even get the chance (so strange how control works).  I realized that in my feeling "single and attractive" when being out by myself that day, I was still believing the lie that if I wasn't attractive to the world anymore then Ruslan would stop being attracted to me.  I started thinking about how NOT perfect I was and how my body was not the way I wanted it, and it was starting to scare me again to think of aging, and losing my attractiveness.  So then I had spiraled way out of control into a big fat lie!  Yet part of me obviously still believed that lie because it felt so real, so true.

The more I talked to Ruslan the more I realized as a child, I saw that my father wasn't faithful to my mother and it seemed that (from a child's perspective) once she became "unattractive" in his opinion, (gained some weight) he got bored and started looking somewhere else...being unfaithful, which then led to divorce.  So to me that meant once I get older, or gain weight, then Ruslan and I would stop being intimate and Ruslan would get bored and go find someone else.  Which also translated into
marriage = sex.  Our culture seems to say good sex is only when you have a perfect body and a certain size breasts.  Therefore, I was afraid that soon I wouldn't fit that description anymore and it was inevitable that someday Ruslan would be bored and done. What a horrible feeling! (It was pretty subconscious though sneaking up here and there)

Ruslan so kindly assured me of that being a total lie and that he didn't just marry me for sex (haha it even sounds funny saying it, but it felt so good to hear the truth breaking through that lie).  I also broke agreement with those lies that I believed since a child, and I asked God for His truth...which was so cool, because I heard him say Ruslan will never divorce you.  It just felt so reassuring because I know that God knows Ruslan's heart even more than Ruslan.  Ruslan of course confirmed that as well. :)

I definitely saw once again how much the Devil hates marriage especially successful marriages, and he has been using a very strategic plan to destroy marriages and make people believe that the exciting more alluring thing is never committing, and only focusing on the outward appearance.  I am so sad to see that so many of us have bought into it.  But praise God for His help in unveiling the lies, and for bringing inner healing and health.

Marriage isn't just about SEX

 I received a request to talk about SEX.  I realized, yeah, I haven't really talked much about sex.  What would I write if I write about sex?  And actually something recently came up.  I am recognizing the Lord wants me to share the processes He has walked me through so that other people can get that freedom to.  I don't always like walking through the tough things, but there is a joy and fulfillment in knowing that atleast it will help someone else along this journey of life.  This is a very fresh and recent revelation, and I am yet again surprised at only JUST NOW getting this clarity, this is DEFINITELY an area that truth comes and then being bombarded by our confused culture, starts to fade again.  Although with each incident, there is a deeper level of revelation that goes deeper than the last...anyway... I may be rambling so I don't have to start sharing what I am talking about...OK I'll stop lollygagging...

So I was in the car driving alone with out kids or husband and thinking about how I felt single again, and was remembering the single days and how I actually don't miss them much at all!  I also noticed that four different guys at four different stops, would look at me with a very flirtatious almost seductive look, and I could feel the familiarity of it.  I was excited to realize that that is what I used to struggle with growing up, was thinking I needed to grab the attention of EVERY guy who passed me by, thinking that it proved my sexiness, therefore my worth as a woman.  I never had a desire to have sex with them or wish that they would take me home with them, but just knowing that I was approved as woman.  Plus there was power I felt in knowing that I could catch many eyes (this is feeling very vulnerable right now...). 

Later on in life I have seen that I learned this way of thinking from something that happened to me (I'll share sometime, it wasn't family related), and also having a father who didn't always know how to affirm me as a woman, plus a mother who never knew her amazing worth and beauty.  Once I became a teenager my dad wasn't always sure how to show affection, and he really wasn't good with compliments, he would more often joke and do things like sing a silly tune, "we wear short shorts, if you dare wear short shorts..." I had to choose from one or two meanings in my mind; either he was saying my shorts were too short and I needed to change, or he was saying wow you are turning into a beautiful young lady and showing that you have beautiful legs.  I chose the second meaning because I also liked how other guys gave their approving stares or glances.

So back to being in the car.  I drove home and kinda had those thoughts still rolling in my mind.  That night I dreamed about a woman who was planning on getting divorced and I was very passionately telling her that is wasn't OK, it wasn't hopeless there was still a way to fix the marriage!  Another woman came and told her testimony of me helping her to not choose divorce and the first woman was intently listening.

I woke up from that dream feeling the sadness of divorce.

That day I experienced some major rejection having to do with some people very close to me.  It stirred up some old wounds of rejection that I thought I dealt with...  As I was in my room alone thinking about those lies and how real they felt, I wasn't sure where to turn or what to do, all I could think about was how depressed I suddenly felt, all I wanted was some form of comfort any comfort, something to take my focus off of feeling so isolated, alone, misunderstood, hurt...

"Where was all this coming from? Was it an attack? Was it going backwards in the freedom that I knew I had in this area? Lord what is going on??" 

I also felt like I didn't want to bring it up with Ruslan cuz I didnt' want him to think I was majorly struggling with something, but I felt so alone and stuck, like the walls were caving in on me...
I went another day trying to process this strange fear, pain, anger, and even self worth deteriorating.  I even started thinking about Ruslan probably getting bored with me, and not wanting to be with me anymore.
It was such a blindsiding, I was so confused.  Just two days earlier I was feeling wonderful, totally fulfilled completely happy, and loving life??  I knew there was some root issue or demonic attack, but I wasn't getting ANY clarity!?
(I am going to stop here for now but I will finish...)

Russian American Life of the Kalashnikovs "VIDEO"

Soooooo, here was my thought...My heart is always to help you or anyone learn things the faster smoother way if possible (besides what we seem to only learn by trials and error), and to know you are NOT ALONE.  I have always thought it would be fun to try and make a "show" of our family life, because growing up I always loved those type of shows.  Well this is OBVIOUSLY a home video type quality and professionalism...
BUT a girl can dream right!  
So I decided to just give it a shot...then that got me thinking... hey maybe we can do this regularly and MAYBE it would be helpful to someone just to see the "normalness" of our life in the midst of reality, but with a twist of playfulness of course, and maybe we could address real issues of families, and maybe we could even teach parents about how to bring the reality of God's connection to His kids (our kids), and maybe we could just have a lot of fun while helping other families learn and be reminded of the incredible value God places on FAMILY and marriage! Yeah, that would be awesome!  And since I reeeeeeeally have a heart to remind mother's of their MAJOR role in raising up these: world changers, business people, world leaders, grocery store clerks, dentists, presidents, mothers, fathers, professors, preachers, teachers etc...MAYBE this could help them be reminded of that too! AND I would be able to share all this amazing stuff (that God has been revealing to me through encounters, revelation, life, and passed on from my Mother of course, and people who have sown into me) with out even leaving my home, because that is where my most important job is right now, right here in the home with my children and husband.  

So there ya have it.  If you have 7 Minutes, here is our first attempt at a glimpse into the Russian Family Life of the Kalashnikovs - living life, loving God, and raising up the next generation :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_QW500l_pc













www.jkalashnikovphoto.com
(my wedding photography and more)

Ruslan and Jessica meet for the first time...PART 1

So as I mentioned on facebook this is National Marriage Week! I only found out yesterday, that definitely inspired me to write on this subject.  And I decided I would spend this 7 days telling OUR story...

Well, when Ruslan and I first got married I thought that because God so divinely set it up, it would be simply a fantasy, a fairy tale, and I thought Ruslan was so blessed to get ME (haha-there was one big problem right there) how could anything go wrong!

We met in YWAM, Youth With a Mission, Chico, Ca.  It was a 7 month discipleship training school to grow closer to God.  Ruslan flew in all the way from Lithuania and I drove 6 hours from a tiny town in the hidden Surprise Valley, Cedarville Ca, population 800.  Our YWAM team was told that a Russian applicant was having issues with his visa and we were asked to pray him in (Little did I know this was my future husband!).  I was already intrigued just cuz he was a foreigner. Maybe God put that in me, but once he arrived, 3 weeks late, his accent definitely pulled my interest further along. I decided, I wanted to get to know him.  We started out as friends, I had STRONGLY decided before coming to YWAM that I DID NOT want to be distracted by "guys" or even think about getting married someday, something I normally thought about often.  I wanted to get closer to God and that was it!  God probably smiled as I told him MY plan.  Ruslan and I played a lot of ping pong on the veranda of the beautiful hotel/conference building, and one time I remember Ruslan going to fetch the ping pong, that I had just shot across the table into the bushes, and he briefly asked me something about wanting to have a relationship together.  Honestly, I thought it was a different culture thing, that he was just asking if I wanted to be his friend, and I said, “Yeah, sure.”  Little did I know, he thought I was agreeing to something more.  I also saw quite a competitive side to Ruslan that I thought was kinda cute (not so cute later in life especially when it came to my competitiveness), but it also made me feel bad when I would beat him at ping pong, so I always felt torn whether or not to try my best or let him win.  Of course I didn’t have to let him win much he just plain beat me (dang it)! hehe

This is YWAM Richardson's Springs base. So beautiful! That's the huge hotel we played ping pong in front of.

A week after Ruslan’s arrival, we took an outreach trip to my hometown Cedarville.  We drove in a 15 passenger van and I got to sit next to Ruslan (well intentionally planned that) and got to talk to him a lot more.  .  So on our drive I noticed Ruslan was acting a little annoyed with me?  Finally at a rest stop I asked him if I had done anything to offend him, and it was at that point that he explained the misunderstanding about “being in a relationship.” I was so shocked, I was relieved to get that cleared up and we were on friendship ground again, “phew (I think? - At least for now anyway).”

While our team was all hanging out in a Church member's home, my Mom had come to hang out with me and meet my team mates.  As she was looking around the living room she glanced at Ruslan and very clearly heard the Lord speak, "that is your daughter's future husband." Numb struck for a moment, she took in a deep breath, and pondered it in her heart, thinking inside, "Oh Lord, not Lithuania, it's so far away!" She kept this to herself and told me nothing of it, thank goodness! (I would have been a LOT freaked out and put under some very unneeded confusion and pressure, because I had only known him for one week, and had no idea how I felt about him). Good job Mom!

That's Ruslan in the big coat and maroonish shirt third from the left. This is the house behind us where the Lord spoke to Mom

As Ruslan and I got closer, I was becoming more intrigued with this very kind, very smart, and muscular (hehe yes I noticed right away) Russian guy.  I started to get a little nervous because I didn't want to be distracted, and I needed to focus on God, I didn't know if this was "the one" or not. Plus for some strange reason I knew He was serious about his interest in me (asking to be in a relationship after 1 week of knowing me!?), this wasn't like a junior high crush or something, this was a young Man who knew what he wanted and was a much more mature guy than most guys I had liked in the past.  I also didn't understand how he could be so quickly interested in me beyond friendship (did he know something I didn’t??).  He came to me a few days after we returned from Cedarville, we were back at the Richardson's Springs YWAM base.  He had missed the first 3 weeks of our training school so he also missed the orientation.  Meaning, he was not aware of the rule; “no guy/girl relationships allowed” beyond friendship, until finished with the school.  

  That being said, he stopped me, on my way to take a walk to these beautiful waterfalls we had on base, and said, “Do you have a minute?”

Ruslan back then, cutie. 

 

“Sure what’s up?”  I asked very non chalantly.

“Well since we just finished the “Relationships” videos with Dean Sherman, and he said to make known your feelings, when you have feelings towards someone, I just wanted to let you know that I like you more than a friend.”

I tried to act completely un-phased, and I did (as Ruslan reported after getting married, sorry babe).

“Oh…, well thanks for telling me that.  We can’t really have relationships during this school, and I’m enjoying getting to know you as a friend.   I was just on my way to take a hike, I’ll see ya later.”

I know I was a bit harsh, I was really nervous and I didn’t know what to do, except pretend I felt nothing. Nice (a coping mechanism that would reveal it’s ugly head later in marriage as well).  

 to be continued........

Nikki, Jeni, and I, some great girls from the school as well