What if we've had it all backwards with our lives?

What if we are supposed to raise our children and be there for our children and THEN pursue our "career" after the children have grown? Or to intentionally find things to make a living that involve our children?

Joel and his Papa

 

Now I know this might sound ridiculous to some and especially for some who have waited til a lot later to have children, but what if there's truth in this?

my hot rugged man working from home

Love his availability for coffee dates!

I have thought a lot about the state that we are in right now as our family has grown and years have passed and Ruslan has off and on wondered why he isn't still successful in the standards of this society.  He doesn't have the career that he imagined he would at this age (37) the money or the house that he pictured as a matter of fact we are still renting.  Each time we approach the subject it seems that God is continually pointing to the faithfulness of my husband, the great success he has had in being there for our children, in becoming the most amazing father husband ever (in our lives)!  I only see great fruit from the fact that Ruslan never got tied up or caught up in being at work all the time or studying for his degree so long he missed out on the children.

Melt my heart moments of Papa and Daughter

 

I know this might be touchy for some, and I am NOT saying that those things are wrong, not at all.  I am just wondering WHEN those things are actually supposed to come into play in a person's life who wants to have children and a family, a husband, or a wife.  I have seen the fruit of our children's lives as they have had total access to their parents and availability and openness to talk and discuss life with them.  My heart has exploded with the joy and deep satisfaction of watching my husband be interested in my teenage sons life, asking him every time he returns from time with friends, "How'd it go? What are your friends up to lately (knowing their names) truly finding interest in what Daniel does and what he's into.  I have seen the security in our teenager knowing that he is loved always, and protected, held accountable taught about the consequences of his decisions, heard, and that he is known.  

Watching my 2 year old daughter be able to climb up on Daddy's lap being welcomed every time and applauded as she comes in saying "woot Papa, woot!"(Look! Look!) As he adoringly gasps with pleasure at her new outfit I just put on her.

As we are considering the prospect of Ruslan working outside the home asking the children what their thoughts are, each one asking:

 "Does that mean Papa would be gone everyday?" (Joel`6 yrs)

"It's OK we don't need him to work somewhere else, because we have enough money, I really like Papa being home everyday." (Ian 10 yrs)

"I really like being able to visit with Papa everyday whenever I want to." (Daniel 13 yrs)

 

I am starting to hear a very clear message here.

I think it's in the heart of every child to have access to their parents, not to have the big house the beautiful car, the fun "things" without the parents being available.

I realize we have to make a living to raise a family, but I think there's more to it than that.

Our children need us. They desperately need us.  I just don't want us to fall into the trap of the "norm of society" that we are to sacrifice our children for our career.

Love his hands with hers

 

I honestly wonder if we aren't supposed to sacrifice our career and success for our children, or find things that make us still available to them, until they have come out of their very tender, mold-able, easily influenced state. I don't even know how that would look fully. But it's something I have really been pondering. I have seen the beautiful fruit in the security and solidness of our children as both my husband and I have been SO extremely blessed to have been able to be stay at home parents for the last 8 years (myself all of their lives-amazingly enough).

All I know is that I remember after getting married and seeing that my husband had to go to work everyday from 8-5, as I stayed home alone waiting for our son to bloom and grow inside my belly, I thought: 

"This is not what I signed up for! God I don't want to just be hone alone and not have my husband except for a few hours in the evening and weekends? I want more than this. I know it might sound ridiculous and impossible God, but I want my husband home, and I want him to be available to our children as they come into our lives."

I see that God heard my cry and He's willing to work with anyone who cries out for more, He makes a way where there seems to be NO WAY. Wow Lord God you are so faithful, thank you!

 

Don't be afraid to ask for the impossible, He wants to show you that with Him all things are possible, how awesome is that! Don't be afraid to think outside the "norm" of life and the cycles or ruts we've gotten caught up into, we may not even recognize that we are stuck in some things. Don't be afraid to ask for more than you have.

"Yeah, I would have done that differently..."

I recently have thought about how far I've come in my understanding of relationships and being real with who I am.  As a child growing up, the underlying tone of my father and most the adults in religious settings was "just obey and don't ask questions." Show good behavior, just do the right thing.  I don't know if it was just religious settings but that's where I felt it the most, personally.  Being a pretty "good girl" all my life, I knew the exact things to do and not say to keep peace with all people.

 It hadn't occurred to me that I was sacrificing who I really was, to please others.  It sorta snuck up on me.  I was watching a show in about 2004 called "Starting Over" and the life coach was trying to tell this woman that she wasn't genuine.  The girl was very insulted and was trying to prove that she was "doing" everything that the coach was requiring and didn't understand why she was saying that about being genuine.  The coach tried to describe it further, and finally she said, "You know those thoughts or opinions you have that you keep inside when someone is speaking, or acting, and you keep to yourself? That is what you genuinely feel and you need to be letting those out."

What??? Wow!  I think I am not fully genuine.  I thought as I watched.  From that moment on I gave permission to the Holy Spirit to help me find out who I really was.  I started asking Him to help me stretch in speaking out some of those things I actually think.

I remember a good example of how I used to be.  A friend of ours was sort of rhetorically saying, "I just can't seem to get the hard water stains off of the glass of my show doors."
As I listened to everything that she had tried, and hadn't been successful with, I thought, "That's weird that she doesn't know about vinegar." But didn't even think for a moment to speak out my suggestion.
Instead felt proud that I had already figured that out, and looked down on her for not knowing that yet.

I am embarrassed to even admit this as I write it, but, that's where I was.

I know that the biggest part of my growing up believing I should just obey and respect others, silenced me because I didn't want to ever be wrong, or out of line.  Fear of man became more of a power in me than who I really was.  I didn't know I could ask questions, or offer my opinion or advice, and it only furthered the gap between myself and relationship with others. I could never understand why people never got very close to me.  I had friends, but they never seemed to go as deeply as I would have liked.  Or I looked down on them because they didn't seem to want to be real, as I was so easily doing (strange deception).

All that to say, thank God He didn't leave me that way.  He called me out of my cocoon and showed me it was a safer place than I thought to be real and open and honest with others.  I have learned to ask questions, to not assume so many things. To learn from others.  To not have to have all the answers on my own.  To get more information, and come to a more realistic conclusion, including the person on my overall picture of who they were.  It has been so freeing and exhilarating to not always think the worst or take so personally things that are most often misunderstandings, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

I am enjoying, getting to be who I really am.  It's so much less stressful, and when I do make a mistake it feels so much more feasible to fix my mistakes instead of running, or wanting to blame someone else.  I get to be a grown up and own up to my imperfections. It feels wonderful.

You are NOT alone in this world

I painted many pictures in 2006-2008 and this one was representing the tears of Father God over the aborted babies through out the years.  My heart is to put these in a children's book someday speaking to children of their call in life, their inheritance, and living in the fulness of God's glory on this earth...

 

Anyway I haven't finished all the paintings, but I  rotate displaying them on our easel in the kitchen and a few days ago as I was looking at this one, I felt the Lord really highlighting the womb.

I feel that in this year we are going to see a lot of "babies" born, and I am not only speaking in the natural.  I have already been experiencing the Lord answering prayers and the breaking into of promises.  Also that He is taking a lot of us deeper into complete healing and wholeness. Not just outward, not just spiritual, but ALL AROUND wholeness.  It's strange how we can go so long partially living.   Either I have been too spiritual, not even considering the physical, then too physical thinking or hoping that something in reality could fulfill my spiritual longing.  But those donuts just don't quite cut it, when it come to the in-satiating hunger of my spirit, longing for the depths of God's love.  I am also SUPER excited to see the Holy Spirit literally leading people back to times in the WOMB where lies were believed and false identities were shoved upon them.  His powerful truth penetrates the lies and new bridges of truth are replaced into the brain, even new molds are formed to take in the new found truths.  I love my God He is so incredible!!  I also believe it's a time of being real, allowing others in IN THE MIDST of hard times, struggles, temptations, addictions, deceptions, not waiting until these things are overcome on our own, but welcoming in the troops (family, friends, church family) to stand with us, and sometimes for us. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

I literally was taken back, in a time of ministry, to a clear picture of myself in the womb.  I was that tiny little fetus and I felt rejected. I could feel the symptoms in my spirit, and for some reason I thought I wasn't welcomed. It turns out in reality at that time my Mother, who completely loved me and was joyful to be carrying her 4th child, DID NOT want to be in labor that day, she even fought the labor as it's intensity gripped her body.  She ended up hemorrhaging afterwards because of not wanting it to be happening, and not working WITH her body, but against it.  The Lord revealed to her what had happened and she repented for not partnering with His timing and agreeing with what her body was telling her.  So I as this little newborn came out FIGHTING! I literally could feel the the emotions as the Lord showed me that time (because I couldn't remember it on my own as newborn) and I felt that I needed to PROVE I was worth being present, and I was coming "whether you like it or not." So I broke agreement with the lie that I always need to fight for my place, for my voice, for my worth...and then for the exciting part I asked Father God what He thought of me in the womb.  I immediately saw me in the womb but separate from teh body, just round and surrounded floating inside, and the Lord was so delighted in me he was showing me off,  and this is the funny part he was spinning me around on His fingertip like a basketball, so excited for my arrival!!  That day I got set free from rejection, it was AMAZING!

I really love this song, I can hear the Lord's heart in it. (disclaimer, I don't know a ton about any of his work or if he's a clean DJ, but this song is beautiful and from the heart)

"I Am your shadow" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHEe9AtVGLM