"Yeah, I would have done that differently..."

I recently have thought about how far I've come in my understanding of relationships and being real with who I am.  As a child growing up, the underlying tone of my father and most the adults in religious settings was "just obey and don't ask questions." Show good behavior, just do the right thing.  I don't know if it was just religious settings but that's where I felt it the most, personally.  Being a pretty "good girl" all my life, I knew the exact things to do and not say to keep peace with all people.

 It hadn't occurred to me that I was sacrificing who I really was, to please others.  It sorta snuck up on me.  I was watching a show in about 2004 called "Starting Over" and the life coach was trying to tell this woman that she wasn't genuine.  The girl was very insulted and was trying to prove that she was "doing" everything that the coach was requiring and didn't understand why she was saying that about being genuine.  The coach tried to describe it further, and finally she said, "You know those thoughts or opinions you have that you keep inside when someone is speaking, or acting, and you keep to yourself? That is what you genuinely feel and you need to be letting those out."

What??? Wow!  I think I am not fully genuine.  I thought as I watched.  From that moment on I gave permission to the Holy Spirit to help me find out who I really was.  I started asking Him to help me stretch in speaking out some of those things I actually think.

I remember a good example of how I used to be.  A friend of ours was sort of rhetorically saying, "I just can't seem to get the hard water stains off of the glass of my show doors."
As I listened to everything that she had tried, and hadn't been successful with, I thought, "That's weird that she doesn't know about vinegar." But didn't even think for a moment to speak out my suggestion.
Instead felt proud that I had already figured that out, and looked down on her for not knowing that yet.

I am embarrassed to even admit this as I write it, but, that's where I was.

I know that the biggest part of my growing up believing I should just obey and respect others, silenced me because I didn't want to ever be wrong, or out of line.  Fear of man became more of a power in me than who I really was.  I didn't know I could ask questions, or offer my opinion or advice, and it only furthered the gap between myself and relationship with others. I could never understand why people never got very close to me.  I had friends, but they never seemed to go as deeply as I would have liked.  Or I looked down on them because they didn't seem to want to be real, as I was so easily doing (strange deception).

All that to say, thank God He didn't leave me that way.  He called me out of my cocoon and showed me it was a safer place than I thought to be real and open and honest with others.  I have learned to ask questions, to not assume so many things. To learn from others.  To not have to have all the answers on my own.  To get more information, and come to a more realistic conclusion, including the person on my overall picture of who they were.  It has been so freeing and exhilarating to not always think the worst or take so personally things that are most often misunderstandings, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

I am enjoying, getting to be who I really am.  It's so much less stressful, and when I do make a mistake it feels so much more feasible to fix my mistakes instead of running, or wanting to blame someone else.  I get to be a grown up and own up to my imperfections. It feels wonderful.

"Babies come from where???!"

I will never forget the hilarious jaw dropping, face contorting expression, Ian got on his face when I told him where babies made their entrance into this world. It has been quite a fun journey training these boys in the ways of life. :)

I have found that children are often the ones (in a healthy home, with freedom to ask questions) to let us know when they are needing more information.  I was unsure with my first son, being the first, when to give WHAT information. As I am on my 4th child and have learned as they've grown, I have loved seeing how each one is different as well.  But one pattern I have noticed is their curiosity and questioning seems to peak at about the same times in life.  I have found that when they ask a question I give them a little bit of info. if they aren't satisfied they ask for more, so I give more.  Sometimes a very basic answer was all they needed. Sure enough a few weeks, or even months later, they have a new question regarding the same issue.  For example Joel was asking where Abi came out of my body.  I asked him where he thought she came out.  He proceeded to suggest maybe from my belly, my foot, my side, and I just kept saying no, and pretty soon he was distracted and running off to go play wit his brother.  I didn't even need to explain yet.

Also it's good to pay attention to how the kids are reacting to things, for example.  One of my sons at about 7 years old seemed to be reacting VERY strongly to anything mentioning kissing, or when a revealing scene would flash on a movie that we would skip, or even the mention of the word sex, even if referring to gender.  So I was asking the Lord about it and asking my son questions about how it made him feel or was he afraid of something etc...He wasn't quite sure.  I found some great books (found here) about the basics of sex and reproduction, because I could tell there was some misunderstanding on his behalf.  As we started reading these books in the room just he and I, every time I read the word sex, he would make that face, or make a zerber sound cuz he was so embarrassed.  Finally I said, "OK honey, let's pray and ask God if there is a lie you are believing about sex, or if sometime in your life you learned it's something bad?"
He agreed and we prayed.
Immediately he remembered someone freaking out and shaming him for accidentily saying the word "sex when he was about four years old." It was another kid who had said, "Don't ever say that word! It's bad! Don't ever say that again!"
So he repeated after me:
"I break agreement with the lie that sex is bad."
 Then he asked God what His thoughts were about sex.
God told him it wasn't bad if it was in marriage.
I was so excited for him hearing God and I could see the shame lifting off of him, it was so precious.
We finished the book series and he was able to repeat the word sex with out hiding his face, making noises, or contorting his face. :)

I am so thankful to have God involved in the process of raising kids, because only He knows their every thought, and He has been so faithful to help me recognize things that I might not have seen.  He also knows exactly what they need when I feel clueless.

If you yourself feel uncomfortable answering the "scary" questions with your children, or learning to call them out and ask them the hard questions, then you yourself should ask God if there are any lies you have been believing regarding sex or informing your children in this area.  Children are very attentive and receptive, and they know if you are uncomfortable to discuss this and they too will feel some sort of shame about it.  The good news is God can heal us in this area, He has brought a lot of healing and clarity to me. I am so thankful!  Once he reveals the lies to you or brings up some memories of times when you got the wrong impression of sexual things then ask God to reveal the lies and break agreement with them.  You can also ask if there is anyone you may need to forgive.

I would love to hear any questions you might have regarding this issue.

"Let the Little Children Come." Jesus (How we as parents teach them this)

Boys will be boys! I thank God for the adventure of boys :)

As some of you know I sent out a question about requests for subjects to blog about AND I got some replies, yay! So on behalf of those responses I will start with the first one I got.

How to teach your children about God and to come into His Presence.

One of my FAVORITE subjects!!!

This has been the cry of my heart since the day I found out I was pregnant with my first son Daniel! Thirteen years forward and three children added to our clan, I am STILL learning this wonderful concept, of teaching my kids this very thing.

One thing that comes to mind is understanding that we don't have to TEACH them in order for them to understand that God is the right choice, but so that they can MEET Him and find out themselves that there is nothing greater!  I believe God's goodness and love is so intense and so fulfilling that even our children cannot deny the incredible power of His love.  I used to feel the pressure was all on me to "cover all the bases" of Christianity, and God's ways etc...and that pressure was horrible!  I always felt like I was coming up short.  I felt this constant nagging, of "not enough! not good enough! not enough." As I got that revelation suddenly my focus began to change.  

"You mean all I need to do is encounter you more so that I can bring them in with me, Lord?"

I used to feel that I needed to have prayer every morning and read the Bible and have prayer with them, because that was how we were raised and so that must be what I need to do to.  But every time I tried so hard to make it happen, the worse the prayer time would be.  I had such an expectation they could all feel it, so they would immediately be reacting out of rebellion against my "law" and I would get so angry that no one was interested in God, supposedly ;).  Sometimes, even my husband could feel my pressure, and I felt that He wasn't even supporting me in this (he just didn't want to do it religiously, as I didn't recognize I was doing).  Ruslan would join us and be there but I could feel his lack of participation, and I just couldn't understand why, until later.  I had an extremely high expectation on him too because of knowing how important it was for the kids to see that "Papa" also loved God and put Him first, and I was afraid if they saw any kind of lack of interest from their dad then they too would lack interest (I had a lot of rules in my head of how things should be).

I remember one hard morning when I decided I AM NOT GONNA BE RELIGIOUS, I just want us to see what God wants to do or to show us, we will just have a good ol time.  Well for some reason the boys decided to be completely rambunctious and not quiet down or listen when I was trying to share something etc...and I broke!  "I just want us to spend some time with GOD! What the Hell!!! I yelled (haha I laugh even as I write that).  The moment those words came out I felt so embarrassed and it was so ironic linking the words hell together with God, how silly could I be!! What kind of picture was I giving them of God, a pissed mad Mama trying to force them into wanting to spend time with this "serious" God. No! That's not at all what I wanted!  I got up and somewhat sarcastically said, "I am going to my room to spend time with God, it's fine if you guys don't want to, I do."
As I was in the room I could just feel the grace of God all over me, He was so fine with my blow out, He wasn't shocked at all, yeah He didn't like my kids being yelled at either, but He knew my heart for them and He was letting me know I needed to lighten up on MYSELF, so I would give more slack to my kids as well.  I literally could feel the joy of the Lord pulsing through me as I began to laugh out loud, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I could feel walls of religious rules falling down, walls of false responsibility crumbling down, walls of fear of messing up my kids, walls of shame breaking down, and He just kept washing over me with this incredible unconditional love.  "Oh Lord, this is what I want my kids to experience, this is who You really are, Father help me to teach them about this!"  
I could just hear him whispering, "Patience, just give it time, you focus on getting filled up with My love, so you have something to give them."


(I will continue on this subject more. I feel like little bits at a time is better than too much, so that you have time to ponder these things and apply if you like before getting more information to add to all the information that we get these days. :))

"So would you want to marry me then?" (Part 5)

Back in the USA! We were so happy to be back!  We loved our experience in China, and it gave us a new appreciation for America as well.

It was time for our graduation from Youth With a Mission, we did it!  Now we could have guy/girl relationships! ;) And of course had an incredible mind blowing time of getting closer to God (that's another story).  So it was either the evening or the next day after graduation, Ruslan and I took a little walk together ALONE on the base.  We stopped and sat on a brick wall and Ruslan wanted to tell me that he was very serious about our relationship and that he was definitely at the point of not pursuing any other girl, he had only desire for me (blush :)).  Now this is the embarrassing part, like I mentioned before I still dealt a lot with fear of making mistakes and fear of rejection, so I needed to be 100% sure this was the right thing to do.  That being said,  I listened to what he said, and felt so touched and excited, yet still a lot afraid, because I knew how serious he was, and this was the real deal.  So I responded:
"I really like you too and I definitely want to get to know you more and see where this will lead.  I don't know if I can promise the same to you yet (sweating inside)???  I need to see where this goes."
As perfectly calm as he was the first time, he very cooly replied,
"Well, I need an answer from you by tomorrow.  Because I am not waiting around while you decide, again."
I totally understood, and felt really embarrassed, nervous, even a little angry that he would request that of me, and confused all at the same time.  We said goodnight and I went back to my room.  I prayed and cried, and sought God's advice, and realized this guy is very patient with me.  I better not be stupid a second time around! There was no way I was losing him again. "So fear you better shut up!"

Jessica and Jessica, it was a great night of missions, a lot of fun

The next morning I was antsy and ready to tell Ruslan the good news! I was in!  I found him quickly and told him I was in and I wanted us to pursue this relationship.  He was of course, relieved and we talked about some details of our next steps.  He told me that he was considering whether or not to go back home to Lithuania for a while, or go livc with his uncle in Sacramento, of course I was rooting for Sacramento.  I told him of my plans to do the extended night of missions where we would travel around the west coast to different churches and do evangelism and prayer.  Which would be in the following 2 weeks, lasting for about 4 weeks. 

Ruslan fasted and prayed and really struggled with what to do, but he finally felt the Lord leading him to Sacramento (Praise God!) and I felt that I was to go home for a couple months, after the night of missions and possibly come back to YWAM in April to do the leadership school, in 1999.  We decided we would correspond via snail mail and when possible, phone.  It was a stretching time for me to be away from him for so long, but also good to realize even more how much I cared for him.  I even did a little test, in my heart with the Lord.  We were taking a little hike with the team on night of missions and I lost my bracelet from Ruslan that he had given me ( a homemade leather strap with beads that he had given to me for fun, earlier), and I was worried that it was a "sign,"(yes I was a little too superstitious in my religious thinking)  that maybe I wasn't supposed to be with him.  I started feeling sad and worried that I might have to let go, or break off the relationship, I was going through all of this in my head as we walked.  On the way back from the hike, I was asking the Lord if Ruslan was the one for me,  and told him that I was willing to lay down my heart desires if it wasn't from God, and literally at the same moment, I happened to look down, and right in front of me lay the bracelet!  I took it as a confirmation!

In December I ended up staying in Eugene, Oregon with my awesome siblings, Autumn and Doug for a while and then Josh and Karen.  Ruslan decided he wanted to take a bus to come and see me and we would travel to Cedarville,Ca together to visit my hometown. Once we arrived in Cedarville it was Christmas eve and we went to eat at our local restaurant, The Country Hearth (where I used to work), Ruslan bought me a nice dinner and for some reason my stomach was so nervous.  We ended up talking about our desires and possible future together, and we both agreed that we would want to get married someday, so at that point that was when he said, "So would you want to marry me then?" 
"Yes, I would." I couldn't contain my smile from ear to ear.
He asked me if in my culture we do the ring at the engagement?  I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I told him yes, usually you have a ring at the "engagement asking," he apologized for not having one but promised, he would get right on that. :)
Funny thing is my sister Sarah was our server that night, so when she returned to check our drink levels, she was the first person to find out we were engaged!!!

Does he look a little nervous surrounded by the Rivas family?

This was on the way to Cedarville from Eugene

We walked home floating on air, the stars were shining extra bright and the freezing cold wind was music in my ears, I still couldn't believe I was going to marry this man.  When we got home that night I immediately told mom, and she was so excited for us.  She immediately went into her room and got out her journal from 8 months earlier, and showed me the day the Lord spoke to her, that Ruslan would be my future husband. I was so ecstatic, this was a dream come true.  Both Ruslan and I were shocked at Mom's journal but also very thankful for such a confirmation of this next HUGE step.

This is the end of our "meeting love story" but of course there is so much more that has come of this love in the last 13 and a half years, through good times and some very bad times, I think I will have to continue this story some day, for you to see, what happens after the perfect love story becomes some of your greatest challenges? And how we got through.

Summer Time Blues (still no Ruslan connection) Part 3

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My Future Hot Russian, with a Sambrero, life guarding during the summer camps

Mom and My brother Ishmael, it was so good to see everyone

During the summer we got to be camp counselors for junior high students from neighboring cities.  It was a lot of fun, but still hard to not be as close to Ruslan as I wished I could be.  I called home a couple of times talking to my mom about the difficulties I was having with Ruslan.  My Mom would very kindly listen and encourage me as best she could with out ever giving even the smallest hint of her insight from the Lord. She told me later that she was starting to question, if she truly had heard the Lord, it wasn’t looking too promising??

There's Faithy Lu (my sister) right beside me on the right

I was so happy to get some of my siblings and youth group come during that time as well, it was a great distraction and so good to see my home folk.  I even got to be with my sister Faith in the same group, that was a treat.  One night we were talking about my experiences and I shared a lot about what was going on (or NOT going on) with Ruslan and I.  Also I was asking if she remembered a couple months before coming to YWAM when I prayed one night:

 “Lord I ask you to bless my future husband, bless his sleep…oh wait, maybe he’s awake right now (time difference in other countries)? Father I ask you to bless his day if he’s awake right now.”

Faith totally remembered it as well, and thought it pretty coincidental. But of course I didn’t want to over spiritualize anything if it wasn’t meant to be.  I told her how I was still so confused and didn’t know for sure if he was the one, and that I didn’t know if it was time to tell him anything differently yet?  Having met him in our hometown in Cedarville, Faith challenged me,

“Well if you aren’t sure, then I’ll marry him.” 

Without a pause, I just blurted out, “NO!” 

She then confidently replied, “you really like him.” 

Little stinker, she got me there.  I did really like him. 

He looked so cute during the summer too, all tan and blonde streaked hair, I was worried other girls were going to fall for him too, with all these new girls coming in for camps and counselors.  And as a matter of fact there was a girl who found him attractive and wanted him to come see her while he was in Sacramento visiting his uncle!  Thankfully he wasn’t interested in her that way.  I definitely had to give it back to God MANY MANY times, worrying more and more that He would never give me another chance.

We also did something called a “Gauntlet” and we were welcoming in a whole new summer team called “Summer of Service (S.O.S.),” more girls too, yes I was often worried he might fall for someone else.  We did one competition where each team of about 5-7 team mates were to follow these orange flag markers on a journey up a mountain.  I was the second team to leave and Ruslan was the first and I tried VERY hard to either stay with him or beat him, and I was a little impatient with my team, who didn’t have the same goal as me, haha.  Sorry team mates.  Nikki probably knew my goal because she was my room mate and I shared some of my struggles with her, she knew I liked Ruslan.

My cutie patooty sister Leah!

It was really neat because we also got a new team mate named Nadia, who was Ukranian and so I grilled her on her impressions of Ruslan, whether he seemed like a quality guy or not, knowing the culture etc…(I was just doing my homework, this is husband stuff, no small thing.)  And I completely remember her telling me one day, after being there for a couple weeks; 

“Ruslan is probably one of the nicest Russians I have ever met, he is so sincere, polite, funny, and such a kind man.”

Thank you Nadia for spying him out for me, hehe.  I knew it! Now if I only I can turn his affections back to me???

One of our teachers during the Discipleship Training School (DTS) was Bill Johnson! I think it was during his teaching that I got seriously rocked by God!  I was feeling His presence so intensely and crying and crying, and I remember thinking it’s a good thing Ruslan is seeing me like this now, cuz atleast he will know the full package he is getting, cuz I am pretty crazy about God!  Also during JerryPraetzel, a very vulnerable heart wrenching experience, where the Holy Spirit basically unravels wounds from the past to shine in light and truth and heal deep root issues.  I thought,

“this is the perfect place to meet your future husband because we get to see all sides of each other!”

I am not rejectable

I  didn't know what true freedom felt like til I tasted it.

I didn't realize I still dealt with rejection issues until God began to reveal this issue again and then literally showed me that a spirit had attached itself to this wound in me and was confirming this lie in every way it possibly could.  A few examples being when someone said no to me it felt so much deeper than just a simple no, or if I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable feeling and got no response or the "wrong" response, it freaked me out I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, like I had done something wrong, and I suddenly wanted to take it back, NOW! I even felt it in my family sometimes which surprised me because I had never really doubted that my family loved me, but being from a large family you just can't personally connect with every sibling on the same level (as we have become adults), as much as I desire that.  When a sibling would come to visit and they didn't let me know or I heard it through the grapevine, I would question if maybe they didn't wanna see me or maybe they didn't care about me the same way  they did the others.   But I felt trapped because I didn't want them to feel responsible for making me feel that way because I knew it was my problem, but I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling either, and I didn't know how to ask questions either, so I would drop hints or be sarcastic instead of sharing my heart.  That of course only brought confusion on both ends.

Sooo anyway, I went to this conference (approx. 6 months ago) about deliverance from strongholds and the Lord showed me that I had a spirit of rejection, so some of the prayer team prayed over me and told that spirit to leave and I agreed and also told it to go, and after some rather intense travailing and crying and yelling, I was free! I could feel this very heavy weight lift off my shoulders, and I just felt so light and airy.  It was a very refreshing feeling.  Since that day I have seen major changes in my everyday life! In the way I relate to my husband, my children, my friendships, my relationships, my creativity, even as I have started taking ballet, I suddenly realized something felt so different this time around (I took it 3 years ago). I feel so free to flow and enjoy and let go of my mind and move with the movements, not worrying about how quickly I do or don't pick up the techniques.  I don't feel the tenseness or strain of trying so hard to do it exact or the fear of messing up, or looking silly for not knowing if I am doing what is required from the teacher.  I am so thankful for this freedom and so thankful for joy and enjoyment!

And they ate eggs until they came out of their ears...

Did you see the movie "Flipped"? That's exactly what I feel like right now doing this GAPS diet, cuz one easy quick protein is EGGS! Eggs! EGGS! So yeah, I thought we had tried them every way you can possibly make an egg...BUT I was wrong.

These are for juicing, we add a tsp of coconut oil (organic, COLD pressed) to help with absorption into the body, the fat helps the body suck it up better :) or a fish oil capsule (not sure if that one helps yet, but it seemed good haha)

 These puppies excited me sooooo much! These are banana peanut butter pancakes with NO FLOUR!! (we can't eat grains yet) These actually even got a little fluffy and had an awesome tender fluffy texture, I was stoked. OH were the kids rejoicing this morning, JOY was restored to the Kalashnikov stead. hehehe

I found the pancakes yesterday while dying to try something new that was legal for this SOUP, SOUP, and more SOUP diet. This ladie's website is so helpful it's called kids and scd.  We are supposed to eat soup at least once a day because of the very nourishing needed vitamins that come from the homemade broths. Also a cultured vegetable, or juice from them with every meal. So our main staple has been sauerkraut. I actually love it with a lot of things. It went especially well with the boiled meatballs we had last night (I know boiled just sounds wrong, but they are quite delicious-I do prefer oven, but once again getting that broth in somehow).

This is a newly started batch of sauerkraut

So the day before yesterday was major meltdown day.  I came in the kitchen the location of my new full time job I got hired for, oh wait I don't get paid, well my new volunteer job haha.  I am AMAZED at how much time I have to spend in the kitchen now with all the prep; few ingredients, LOTS of prep! Chopping, soaking, dehydrating, crushing, juicing, roasting, blending, wiping, washing, sweeping, washing, break for nursing, washing, oh and did I mention WASHING!

I was pumping milk and Abi grabbed the hose right from the bottle and started sucking, I guess that was her way of saying hurry up!

Anyway....I came into the kitchen and saw my horrendous kitchen looking the way it does everyday now after one meal, and I just wanted to scream, so instead I slammed a cupboard and yelled, "Can't I have one clean day!? One stinkin clean day, just one!" Oh did it feel good to slam that cupboard, so I did it again, and another one and pheww, that felt gooooood!  So then I gave up went into the living room and almost started yelling again, I wanted to blame someone and there sat Daniel, innocently on the couch, (who had, by the way, just put on some MUCH NEEDED worship music for Mama on his own initiative). I slightly raised my voice, "Daniel don't you hate a messy house!? " 

"Yes," he hesitantly agreed

"Then why don't you freakin pick something up when you see it laying on the floor!??" Yes I said, "freakin," it tends to be ALL of our new frustration word, I don't love it but it sure helps emphasize the frustration.  Then I just plopped down on the floor on my stomach and started to cry.  "Lord I know I am being ridiculous what is going on?"  As the amazingly perfect song is playing in the background, "Oh How He loves us, how he loves us so," I smile inside thinking of Daniel and his tender heart always wanting to bring peace. I sob and sob and sob some more, the bubbly snot kind. As I cry I feel all the pressures rising to the surface immediately being passed into the arms of the Father, thoughts and pressures from circumstances of a week ago rise to the surface and are released to my Savior, tears are flowing, I think of my frustration of my milk flow, more tears, more release, I forgive a person AGAIN, more release, suddenly my cries are turning to groans and yelling into a pillow, this is all happening in the middle of my living room floor, while my adorable Daniel and Joel are silently and stealthily tidying up the living room, I am giggling inside at the thought, hoping they aren't thinking this only has to do with a messy living room.  Suddenly it all turns to laughter and I remember the movie I just watched, which was surprisingly cute and meaningful "1000 Words," with Eddie Murphy. And I remember the part where this cheesy guru says: "yes, let it all out, you know tears and laughter are very close cousins (or something like that) I laugh some more. Now I am laughing deep refreshing exhilarating laughter and I feel soooooo much lighter. I feel the love of the Lord so deeply and I feel so so....so LIGHT. 

Thank you Father, you always know exactly what I need and what is really going on behind my meltdowns.  Thank you for loving me and having so much patience with me in the midst of life, and being a mom and a house cleaner and a kitchen cleaner etc... I couldn't do this without you, I need you more than ever before I need you more. This destiny of mine is far greater than I ever imagined and I am literally living it out today one day at a time, in my kitchen.

I am so content. :)

P.S. I talked to Daniel and Joel about my process and explained it wasn't just cuz of the messy house :) I also thanked them thoroughly for cleaning up so well. :)