He wants us to hear

 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was NOT in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was NOT in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was NOT in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  (1 Kings 19: 11-13)

When I read this passage, something was nudging me about it.  I couldn't figure it out so I read it again. "Lord, why did you first give all those powerful demonstrations of Your power, yet you were not in the power, or destruction of the mountain, not in the fire?? What are you showing me Lord?"

I read it again.

I put it down and went about my day.  Later it came to me, the Holy Spirit deposited it into my spirit.  He is telling me that He wants His people to realize HE IS SPEAKING! And He always has been. 
For a long time in my life, I kept waiting for these spectacular moments that the Lord would speak audibly, or thunder from the clouds, or give me a clear vision out of nowhere.  I would think, "Lord, I will do whatever you say, whatever Your will is, if only I knew for sure it was You."  But I realized after many years that that was part of faith, believing it WAS indeed Him speaking to me.  I have journaled for many years and have practiced very practically learning to hear His voice, and TRUST that it's Him.  As I have stepped out in small things, He has confirmed again and again that I am hearing.  I would even test it with things, for example; when someone was calling (before we had caller ID) I would ask the Lord who was calling.  Sometimes I was wrong, but sometimes it was right on!  I would ask for how to pray for someone and step out in what I was feeling that I heard (it usually felt like my very own thoughts) and the person would confirm that it was exactly what they needed to hear! I would ask Him to reveal to me where something was when I lost it, or if someone lost their keys or shoes.

I feel like He is so wanting us to understand that He longingly wants us to tune into our natural senses and see what we see, what we hear in our minds, what we sense in our hearts.  He IS SPEAKING, we need to know that He wants us to hear.  

As I was driving to ladies group on our beautiful route here in Oregon looking out over green pastures and fields covered with lush green everywhere.  I was completely enjoying God's creation and taking in His great love for me, thinking through the past couple of days, and I was suddenly recognizing that He had been highlighting  a specific person to me.  Then I began to think about how tickled I was that He kept reminding me, because I obviously wasn't getting it.  That's when it hit me, He really wants me to hear this, and He knows I will eventually get it if He keeps nudging me, even if if it takes three different instances! :)  It's a relationship, and He wants my input and interaction, He doesn't just speak once, and get mad at me if I didn't hear, or say "you weren't listening, your fault you missed out." He never gives up on me, He loves me, He wants me to hear!  I was so excited I had a perma-grin all the way to ladies group.

Here's a great representation of my excitement :)

 

ASK MORE QUESTIONS!!! :)

Ask more questions! 


Growing up there was sort of an unspoken rule from my Dad that you don't ask questions, you just do what's asked of you.  My Mom on the other hand wanted us to ask questions more, but she herself wasn't aware that she didn't ask us a lot of questions when teaching us something so we thought that meant we shouldn't ask questions either.  Today it's fun to be able to talk with my Mom and learn more about her perspective as opposed to my child's view.  I am so thankful to have a good relationship with my Mom and to be able to grow closer even more today.

    As I have discovered that, I have wanted to apply that to my children, by asking more questions.  Along with that I have noticed that it's so easy to live my life with out communicating my feelings and emotions, or my process of healing with God, or things going on with my husband,  to my children... I am not saying I share everything, but I have found that sharing my process out loud clears up a lot of misunderstandings for the kids.  Even just explaining why some days I am more moody than others, or if Ruslan and I are having an argument, explaining that I am frustrated but not at them. Also asking them if it scares them when we argue in front of them sometimes.  They have said sometimes it bothers them but mostly they have recognized it's not leading to something dangerous like divorce, and I feel it's important to have them see that a marriage isn't perfect and we do have our bad days and have to work through disputes just like them as siblings.  They obviously can fully relate to that one. I have noticed that it's just natural for me to go talk to my husband or friends or siblings about my issues or revelations, or great ideas, or God encounters...and I still forget sometimes to share some of that with the kids.  Therefore I have had to make a point of learning to talk OUT LOUD to my kids when God does something neat in my life, or when I am frustrated about something, or when I am working through a challenge, or even talking about the fact that I am still learning how to be a better Mom with them.  And it's so fun too to hear their hearts and ideas, and to hear their life struggles, I have noticed it stimulates them to talk more about what's going on inside of them as well.  I absolutely LOVE hearing the inner workings of my children's minds and hearts, they give me great insight at times. Plus their perspective is just awesome.  This all leads to an openness to just step right into ministering to them as well, whether it be praying through a difficult situation with a friend or dealing with thoughts that they don't understand, or worries they have, or fears about God or the future, puberty, a confusing thing they saw on T.V. something someone said to them etc...  I can't always be sure that they are telling me everything but I trust that they have learned by example that it's good to share your heart OUT LOUD so that they can get input and insight and not feel all alone in a family where they are so loved.  

We have also been working on being aware of love languages, I wrote them on the dry erase board so that I would remember who has what and in what order, because they each have two primary love languages.  It's so fun to purposely love on them in their love language, I can totally see the look of fulfillment in their sparkling eyes when I speak out those encouraging words, or give a tight squeeze as one of them is about to run off to play a game.  I still forget some days and raise my voice (the kiss of death) to my "words Of affirmation" child, or get annoyed when my "physical touch" child is crawling in my lap squirming around and putting his head right in front of the work I am trying to complete on the computer, etc...But I have stopped being so hard on myself (most days) and realize the other grace that I have found in talking through things, is I can just as easily re-tie strings of emotional connection that I untied, if I am willing to humble myself and apologize for my harsh words or short fuse, and they are so quick to forgive. 

I have been so THANKFUL when they do ask questions about misunderstandings because I would have been so sad to have them think something was a certain way when it wasn't! For example:
We were driving in the car and talking about gifts and I happened to be telling Ruslan that I found out "gifts" is my 3rd love language and I hadn't realized that, all these years.  So then we were talking about gifts and what we like and don't like.  Ruslan starts to tell me that he really does NOT like getting candy as a gift for some reason, and at that moment he happens to look back and Ian is listening in, and suddenly Ruslan remembers Ian's last gift to Ruslan was CANDY! And he can see by the look in Ian's questioning embarrassed eyes that a wrong message was just sent!
"Oh no, Ian I DID NOT mean that at all. I mean I totally love it when it's from my kids, because there is a major salary difference there, it's the heart that matters to me, it means a lot to me that you would pay your own money to buy me anything.  I love when you get me candy Ian. I hope you understand what I meant."
Ian was put back at ease as he understood his Papa's explanation. And said "Oh ok, I was wondering?" 
 I even said after that, I am so glad we noticed you listening Ian! And I always want you to ask questions if you are confused or hurt like that, I would have been so sad to think you might have thought Papa didn't like your gift. We all got a good laugh, and "Phewww!" moment.

The Crush grows stronger, Ruslan and Jessica (Part 2)

Our Team at another orphanage being built

Our awesome hippy skirts and t-shirt ensemble

So I went to my leader and asked for advice, I told her that I liked Ruslan as a friend and wanted to get to know him more, but that I didn’t want to confuse him or lead him on, cuz what if he wasn’t “the one”( I was a bit afraid of making a mistake – I wanted God to tell me what to do, I didn't know if I could trust my heart?).  I loved hanging out with him, but it was now confirmed that he did like me more than a friend, so I didn’t want to lead him on, but I didn’t want to stop getting closer to him.  I didn’t know the future, so I wanted to keep moving forward but I was confused, I felt afraid that I might hurt him if he didn’t turn out to be the one I married.   My leader strongly suggested that I needed to close any doors of "false hope" for Ruslan so I wouldn't be falsely leading him on.  I decided I would write him a letter to clarify things.  At first I wrote that I really liked him as a friend, and that I wanted to continue to get to know him and just see what the future had in store.  I gave the letter to my leader to see if it was clear enough.  She read the letter and said, it left too much of an open door, I needed to make it very clear (She was a VERY sweet leader, but I think maybe she had a few fears herself about relationships not wanting people to get hurt as well). So I rewrote that part and basically said "you are great I like you a lot, but I NEVER see us together in the future." (Ouch! I know ) You would think he would have given up on me forever at that point, well he almost did.  I  thought I had lost my chance “forever” (there’s that dumb word again, that almost ruined my chance with him sheesh)! 

Basically I gave him the note and the next time I saw him he didn’t look happy, I said hi in passing on the sidewalk and he didn’t even answer, my heart just plopped into my shoes.  I felt a little sick to my stomach, what had I done???  I felt horrible.

Well as you can imagine he was devastated, especially cuz my actions showed more interest than that. I was a bit confused myself.  The weeks passed with a lot of turmoil inside, for me, and questions to God.  I tried to still be friendly with Ruslan but he was very emotionless with me and I felt like he was only being cordial.  One thing I noticed right away, was he really did choose to stop caring completely about anything I thought of him; ironically this revealed another side to him I hadn’t seen yet.  He was so much more relaxed and funny he wasn’t at all nervous or trying to act his “best,” which of course, I found even more attractive, this new confidence.  I could tell I was really frustrating him as I continued to be friendly with him, because come to find out he was thinking:

“Why in the world is she now acting like she cares about me when she made it extremely clear that she NEVER sees us together in the future?!”  

So he continued through out the next few months to practically ignore me unless I approached him, and I had a really great friend who I had gotten really close to named Jeni, and the three of us would often hang out, but Ruslan would always give her ALL the attention it was really starting to get to me. 

“Lord, did I truly ruin my chance of ever having anything with this guy?  Is he falling for my friend now?  Were his feelings for me no big deal, and now he ALREADY likes someone else, who is the complete OPPOSITE of me!??”

I had many nights crying out to God asking if I could talk to Ruslan about my growing feelings and yet, I never felt that would help anything except for him to think I was not sincere, or had no idea what I wanted, or was just playing with his heart.  So I kept praying and giving it back to God asking Him to give me another chance to make things right, so that maybe someday we could see if we were meant to be together.

Our team of 17, traveled to Mexico, Vicente Guerrero, together on an outreach and had such a great time, once again I was in the van sitting next to Ruslan having so much more of a crush on him by now.  Seeing his very playful side telling stories of his life growing up and making jokes with the team mates.  I also saw that competitive side come out again when we played volleyball together one evening at the Los Angeles YWAM base, enroute to Mexico.  He was getting pretty visibly angry as he spiked the volleyball at me on the opposing team as they were beginning to lose.  I knew the frustration had a little more to do with than volleyball. 

In Mexico I watched what a really hard worker he was and what a great attitude he had about hard work and serving others, I was even more impressed.  We also went on one outreach to some poor children who had almost no food and we gave them, as a treat, a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of powdered milk, I held the huge peanut butter canister and Ruslan dug it out by the spoonfuls.  I was wondering how silly he must have thought I looked in my mandatory hippy skirt, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  We were to dress as modest as possible, no tank-tops, no jeans or shorts, they needed to be long dresses or skirts.  I thought it was so funny how much he hated getting “dirty” he couldn’t stand all the dirt in Mexico, and yet, he ended up digging a well in a huge pit of dirt for an orphanage and shoveling huge piles of dirt to bring to other locations, and he still was hardly ever complaining.  I also loved how his hair would get so full of dust it became wiry and would stick up all over the place.  

My future husband working hard ;)

There's me in the back with Ruslan!

Ruslan cracking up some team mates

Peanut butter delight! :)

Well digging

  

Yes I was absolutely falling for him.  I thought it wasn’t that obvious but judging by the comments from the team members later, they said that they always joked about the growing relationship between Ruslan and I, that we both thought wasn’t so obvious, haha, love is blind is guess.

more to come...

Just Copying Jesus

I have been thinking more and more about what it looks like to "disciple" my children. Normally I wouldn't think of raising my kids as such a "spiritual" thing as discipling (silly me) but one day I was listening to a teaching by Jason Hague at our church and he was defining what discipleship looked like:

 Of Course we think of Jesus, and the 12 disciples, and what did that look like? 

Well, he practically lived with them, he ate with them, he hung out with them almost every day for long hours at a time and he lived life in front of them.  Sometimes correcting them; like not to call fire down on people, not to think of yourself better than others (first in the Kingdom of Heaven, sitting at the right hand of Jesus), not to only rejoice in casting out demons but that their names were written in the book of life, he loved on them, spoke life changing encouragement over them, led by example, served them etc... I think you get the point.  

Suddenly it started sounding so familiar, Oh my goodness! I have 4 disciples living right beneath my nose, that I can be equipping now! Not some day when I have arrived and am teaching to the nations, or conferences, or on the pulpit, or on the streets evangelizing SOMEDAY...but now!  The Lord has entrusted 4 precious leaders of the next generation into my very hands.  

So with my mindset changed, I have had a new value for what I do, and for these precious little ones.  I have always valued them, but not in this way, it's a very important different way of thinking.  Instead of hurrying through reading to my son, so I can get onto more important things, or not wanting to stop and listen to an argument cuz I need to hurry onto something more important, instead of needing to teach the kids about the Lord by teaching and words alone, I all the more understand they are watching me.  When I want to spend time with the Lord I do, sometimes in the living room sprawled out on the floor with worship music playing as the kids come and pile on top of me.  Or just speaking out loud my thankfulness for the beauty of creation pointing out God's love in all that He created for us.  Sharing my feelings and processes out loud with the kids more intentionally instead of only processing it inside. Showing my excitement and sharing what God has been revealing to me in life.  Even just talking to them about my day or feeling emotional etc... apologizing more quickly when I make mistakes and have temper tantrums in front of the kids...

I have really been enjoying this new thinking! Sorry it took me so long to get it. But thankfully there was always grace in my learning years.  Love truly covers a multitude of sins. Phewww! :)

So

Kingdom Living - one pacifier at a time

 

God delights in my mothering …Reminder to me, and I pass it onto you! God delights in your mothering.

Yesterday I was talking to my Mom about suddenly feeling like maybe I am too selfish focusing on my immediate family so much and not having TIME to reach out beyond my family.  I was feeling a bit guilty (I should have recognized the condemnation right there), like I was maybe fooling myself telling myself that I am in a season of small baby, young kids lots of needs for their “Mama,” and that maybe I am just being selfish and not “reaching the world, the ‘truly’ needy ones…” Well as I voiced it out loud I began to cry and I wasn’t even sure why but I felt the guilt lift and be replaced by truth;  I wasn’t fooling myself and God really is pleased with me focusing on my family.  Mom made a good point, that if everyone would actually take the time to love on their immediate families and give them time, then we wouldn’t have so many hurting needy people in our world. 

So at 3 AM the Lord decided to make clear how much He values mothering.  I smile even as I write this because it tickled me so!  Abi had awoken and was quietly fussing so I blindly reached over, half asleep on my bed (her crib next to my bed) feeling for her “soska”(Russian for pacifier).  I reached by her head, her little sides, all over her blankets, I wasn’t feeling it anywhere…out of nowhere almost audibly so extremely clear,  He said, “It’s under her.”  I was actually startled for a moment, amazed at the clarity of His voice, and yet so excited to see if it really was there!? I reached under her side and there it was! Abi’s soska!  I smiled out loud and fell right back into a sweet sleep. J

The next morning I woke up immediately remembering the incident and again couldn’t hold back my delight.  I had ponder it for a while thinking how God totally, once again, killed my theology, (thinking that He only audibly speaks or shows such clarity when it is something extremely important like life or death or a warning or because we aren’t listening...) so as I write this it hits me again, that is what He was showing me Mothering is EXTREMELY important and He wanted to remind me in a very relatable way and even showing His sense of humor!

NOW...they are embarrassed to talk "bathroom talk."

So I have been checking in with the kids asking them about their bathroom time and their consistency and level of difficulty or ease of going #2 and they are acting so embarrassed to share!  Yet at the dinner table or every other second of the day I can't get them to STOP talking "bathroom talk," sheesh, you'd think they'd be excited to actually have PERMISSION to talk bathroom talk hahaha!

Well I am super excited to have so much more energy! And the famished feeling I was feeling for the first 5-7 days has finally vanished, now I don't even crave breads or sweets! I can't believe it! It's kinda like when God frees you from a wrong thinking pattern and after a few weeks or so, suddenly you realize..."IT'S GONE!" Oh my gosh that feeling that was all too familiar I just grew comfortable with, is actually gone, really gone! I am free! :)  

I was so unaware of how much lack I was living with. I thought maybe it was just still recovery from birth and lack of sleep (which of course played a part) but looking back I have always tired so quickly when standing stationary for too long, even cooking a full meal, or when I used to wait tables, I was soooo stinkin exhausted by the end of the night! Basically I am a high carb girl but I was getting it from the wrong sources, breads, sweets, grains, chips, crackers etc...WHEN in fact I should have been eating more veggies and proteins to fill me and carbs as the side dish or side thought. I am one that basically used meat as a seasoning hehe.  Oh and the pain in my neck and shoulders has MAJORLY subsided, I didn't realize I was carrying so much buildup of toxins in my muscles and shoulders and neck was where they would try to escape the most. :) God really is so amazing how He made us.  

Annnnnd... I have noticed those areas that like to collect cellulite, have started to shift considerably! Yes I did have cellulite! Yippee, now to work on the muscle gain. 

Ian's crocodile skin has started to clear up considerably! He always had really bumpy rough skin on his lower legs and arms, and it's majorly changing.  Ian even said one day: "This diet is really changing me, I cleaned our room really good and I actually liked it!"

It was a costume party in case you didn't figure that out :)

Joel is peeing a lot more! I know it sounds funny, but I realize it's his body ridding itself of toxins and he is eating really well, trying things he never would have tried before. He even enjoyed the eggplant!  Joel is asking at the store, "Can I buy this? It's organic Mom." 

Daniel loves the peanut butter banana pancakes they have saved him from the eggs. :)  I am hoping to see this change in lifestyle help strengthen his teeth.  Unfortunately I have passed on my weak teeth to my son :(  But I am praying and believing for that to change. :)

We had our FIRST SPLURGE. It was for Tyler's (cousin) 18th b'day and graduation party.  The cool thing was my sister Autumn made so many delicious homemade appetizers that weren't far from our gaps diet needs! But the ice cream sundaes were our major splurge.  I found it very exciting to see that I could taste how overly sweet it was and didn't even desire seconds, that is except for her DIVINE homemade caramel sauce!!! Oh and I actually didn't even want the pasta covering on the ravioli and didn't want the white bread with the bruschetta, I just wanted the tomatoes and sauce! I was amazed! Annnnnnnd I found it easier to recognize when I was full and I wasn't even tempted to over eat as usual when there is so much good food.

My lovely sister Autumn and her 18 year old son!!! My little nephew!

And they ate eggs until they came out of their ears...

Did you see the movie "Flipped"? That's exactly what I feel like right now doing this GAPS diet, cuz one easy quick protein is EGGS! Eggs! EGGS! So yeah, I thought we had tried them every way you can possibly make an egg...BUT I was wrong.

These are for juicing, we add a tsp of coconut oil (organic, COLD pressed) to help with absorption into the body, the fat helps the body suck it up better :) or a fish oil capsule (not sure if that one helps yet, but it seemed good haha)

 These puppies excited me sooooo much! These are banana peanut butter pancakes with NO FLOUR!! (we can't eat grains yet) These actually even got a little fluffy and had an awesome tender fluffy texture, I was stoked. OH were the kids rejoicing this morning, JOY was restored to the Kalashnikov stead. hehehe

I found the pancakes yesterday while dying to try something new that was legal for this SOUP, SOUP, and more SOUP diet. This ladie's website is so helpful it's called kids and scd.  We are supposed to eat soup at least once a day because of the very nourishing needed vitamins that come from the homemade broths. Also a cultured vegetable, or juice from them with every meal. So our main staple has been sauerkraut. I actually love it with a lot of things. It went especially well with the boiled meatballs we had last night (I know boiled just sounds wrong, but they are quite delicious-I do prefer oven, but once again getting that broth in somehow).

This is a newly started batch of sauerkraut

So the day before yesterday was major meltdown day.  I came in the kitchen the location of my new full time job I got hired for, oh wait I don't get paid, well my new volunteer job haha.  I am AMAZED at how much time I have to spend in the kitchen now with all the prep; few ingredients, LOTS of prep! Chopping, soaking, dehydrating, crushing, juicing, roasting, blending, wiping, washing, sweeping, washing, break for nursing, washing, oh and did I mention WASHING!

I was pumping milk and Abi grabbed the hose right from the bottle and started sucking, I guess that was her way of saying hurry up!

Anyway....I came into the kitchen and saw my horrendous kitchen looking the way it does everyday now after one meal, and I just wanted to scream, so instead I slammed a cupboard and yelled, "Can't I have one clean day!? One stinkin clean day, just one!" Oh did it feel good to slam that cupboard, so I did it again, and another one and pheww, that felt gooooood!  So then I gave up went into the living room and almost started yelling again, I wanted to blame someone and there sat Daniel, innocently on the couch, (who had, by the way, just put on some MUCH NEEDED worship music for Mama on his own initiative). I slightly raised my voice, "Daniel don't you hate a messy house!? " 

"Yes," he hesitantly agreed

"Then why don't you freakin pick something up when you see it laying on the floor!??" Yes I said, "freakin," it tends to be ALL of our new frustration word, I don't love it but it sure helps emphasize the frustration.  Then I just plopped down on the floor on my stomach and started to cry.  "Lord I know I am being ridiculous what is going on?"  As the amazingly perfect song is playing in the background, "Oh How He loves us, how he loves us so," I smile inside thinking of Daniel and his tender heart always wanting to bring peace. I sob and sob and sob some more, the bubbly snot kind. As I cry I feel all the pressures rising to the surface immediately being passed into the arms of the Father, thoughts and pressures from circumstances of a week ago rise to the surface and are released to my Savior, tears are flowing, I think of my frustration of my milk flow, more tears, more release, I forgive a person AGAIN, more release, suddenly my cries are turning to groans and yelling into a pillow, this is all happening in the middle of my living room floor, while my adorable Daniel and Joel are silently and stealthily tidying up the living room, I am giggling inside at the thought, hoping they aren't thinking this only has to do with a messy living room.  Suddenly it all turns to laughter and I remember the movie I just watched, which was surprisingly cute and meaningful "1000 Words," with Eddie Murphy. And I remember the part where this cheesy guru says: "yes, let it all out, you know tears and laughter are very close cousins (or something like that) I laugh some more. Now I am laughing deep refreshing exhilarating laughter and I feel soooooo much lighter. I feel the love of the Lord so deeply and I feel so so....so LIGHT. 

Thank you Father, you always know exactly what I need and what is really going on behind my meltdowns.  Thank you for loving me and having so much patience with me in the midst of life, and being a mom and a house cleaner and a kitchen cleaner etc... I couldn't do this without you, I need you more than ever before I need you more. This destiny of mine is far greater than I ever imagined and I am literally living it out today one day at a time, in my kitchen.

I am so content. :)

P.S. I talked to Daniel and Joel about my process and explained it wasn't just cuz of the messy house :) I also thanked them thoroughly for cleaning up so well. :)

My (not so hidden) ADDICTION...

 These are a few photos of my life lately. Of course right now I am feeling like my main activity in life is pumping milk and nursing. Thankfully fourth time around, I am aware that this season does  eventually end. However I still have to remember to prioritize, as my Mother so wisely reminds me, my number one goal is, to eat well myself.  I have recognized how easily that slips thru the cracks, "oh whoops I forgot to eat again."  I sometimes don't even have a moment to feel hunger, I only realize my famished state, once I start cooking then I am rummaging through the cupboards trying to find ANYTHING edible. Hence the importance of not having junk food stored in those cupboards. I still have not fully arrived in this area. We did just finish off the marshmallows in some delicious marshmallow popcorn last night, trying to get rid of the last sweets so that we can get back on track. "Back on track" for us lately is one "sweet day" during the week and then weekends free to eat sweets.  It's a start. :) (My Mom would still think that's still a lot of sweets but she's probably not fully aware of my addiction... OK yes she is).

As I went off on that unexpected tangent I realize that that is a big focus right now for us. Getting healthy and being wise and realistic about the needs of our natural bodies.  I am finally aware of how food really can and does affect my mood, my energy, my spiritual life, my wifely "privileges" (I was gonna say duties but they aren't duties) Mothering tasks, etc, etc, etc...

I found out recently (within the last 3 years) that I had a tendency to live in a fantasy mentality.  I began to have my eyes opened as I had a conversation with a sister and I was putting two and two together, every month at a pretty similar time of the month I would be extremely irritable and impatient and grumpy with the kids and my husband...I know this might sound silly and obvious to some of you but I was in denial that anything "natural" like periods, food, allergies, pregnancy, lack of sleep...had any affect on me. Only "weak" people got affected by those things. I know it's horrible and arrogant, and believe me a TOUGH place to be.  I didn't allow myself to feel what I really felt, and I didn't know it was OK to have needs. So when something did affect me and I couldn't DENY it, I would be PISSED! Yes Pissed! Cuz that would mean I was weak, not spiritual enough, messed up, failed, got slowed down... and the list goes on. Wow I had no idea I was so hard on myself.  Well Praise God He has continued the process of teaching me what it looks like to be a healthy woman emotionally (yes I have emotions, I was surprised too, and it's not bad) spiritually, and physically. It has been an incredible journey, and STILL so much to learn.

 These precious boys have opened up a whole new world to me, one of freedom, joy, disorder (they added to my already existing problem) loudness, silliness, not taking myself too seriously, love, loyalty, humor, and the list goes on and on and on and on.  God definitely knew what He was doing when He gave me 3 boys. I always say that He gave me a second chance at being a better sister (now Mother) than how I handled my 3 little brothers. I had no file for boys, they are just so different than me haha. :) And I now realize, it's wonderful!

It especially cracks me up how much this little/big guy my 7 year old Ian reminds me soooooo much of my younger brother Gabriel. He challenges me always, keeps me on my toes, has a mind always churning, is one mission minded, and has the softest teddy bear heart ever!  I miss you Gabe. :)

Why is it hard to admit I'm weak sometimes???

Why is it so hard to admit when I feel weak?!! Or have a need. Or a want. Or need help.  I have realized that it's very hard for me to admit when I can't handle something.  Thankfully, over the years the Lord and people have been teaching me the value of really saying what I need, not demanding it, but just even saying it out loud. Also admitting when something does actually affect me, or hurt me, even though I can think of a hundred good reasons why it happened and that the other person probably didn't mean it, or they were having a bad day, or a bad life. :) etc...

Being pregnant, this fourth time of my life, I have been the most in tune to myself than any of the other times. I have finally been able to recognize for one that being pregnant really does affect the rest of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I first found out I was pregnant Ruslan and I had a really good discussion after he pretty much said, "I don't like who you become when you are pregnant" in a very graceful kind way, that I was able to receive and share my side. So from that discussion I realized I needed to make a few changes.  I have been able to give myself permission to be a "cry baby" to feel more intensely, to hurt more easily, to ask for emotional support from my husband, to communicate my needs instead of expecting my husband to read my mind (and then be mad when he doesn't read right :)).  I would say this has been the smoothest pregnancy yet, with the best communication and enjoyment of the process as well. I even have felt patient with the process, not just wanting the end to come, although at this point I am pretty ready. :)  

This last month I start to feel a little bummed that I can't handle EVERYTHING I usually can when I am not pregnant, and I feel bad that I don't feel up to my normal tasks. I don't want to be that person that asks for help all the time, or starts to annoy my husband with all my "needs"  That is how this blog started, just asking myself that question, "Why is it so hard to admit when something feels like too much?"  Well I guess the reality is, I am still in process, and for some reason I have been trained, and reinforced that training myself; that feeling weak and womanly is not OK. 

So Lord, retrain me, cuz I know we are delicate, intricate, amazing beings, us women! I think the truth is we are just too dang strong sometimes! :)

A little change to my blogging

So I decided to try and be a little more steady and consistent with my blogging.  I know we all have those moments of great motivation and it lasts about 2-3 weeks and then something happens...called life...and we lose track of our focus...or maybe that's just me?

What I really want this blog to be about is exactly as I titled it, Raw life.  I know I don't have all the answers and in fact I am always looking for more.  I realize though, that through our 11 years of marriage and raising 3 boys (getting started right away-honeymoon baby) and pregnant with our 4th, we have learned a thing or two about marriage, raising kids, letting God be the center of a hectic life, and whatever else comes with all that. :)  I just thought it would be awesome to share whatever we might have learned with some of you who are maybe going through a similar thing.  It would be wonderful to by-pass "learning the hard way."

As we have recently moved to Eugene Oregon, we specifically heard one thing from the Lord and that was: "I want you to learn community."  Funny thing is, having been raised with 9 siblings, I thought I knew that quite well. I was wrong. :) It's been a good process so far and of course we are only just beginning.

My nugget for today:

  SIMPLIFY