He wants us to hear

 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was NOT in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was NOT in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was NOT in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  (1 Kings 19: 11-13)

When I read this passage, something was nudging me about it.  I couldn't figure it out so I read it again. "Lord, why did you first give all those powerful demonstrations of Your power, yet you were not in the power, or destruction of the mountain, not in the fire?? What are you showing me Lord?"

I read it again.

I put it down and went about my day.  Later it came to me, the Holy Spirit deposited it into my spirit.  He is telling me that He wants His people to realize HE IS SPEAKING! And He always has been. 
For a long time in my life, I kept waiting for these spectacular moments that the Lord would speak audibly, or thunder from the clouds, or give me a clear vision out of nowhere.  I would think, "Lord, I will do whatever you say, whatever Your will is, if only I knew for sure it was You."  But I realized after many years that that was part of faith, believing it WAS indeed Him speaking to me.  I have journaled for many years and have practiced very practically learning to hear His voice, and TRUST that it's Him.  As I have stepped out in small things, He has confirmed again and again that I am hearing.  I would even test it with things, for example; when someone was calling (before we had caller ID) I would ask the Lord who was calling.  Sometimes I was wrong, but sometimes it was right on!  I would ask for how to pray for someone and step out in what I was feeling that I heard (it usually felt like my very own thoughts) and the person would confirm that it was exactly what they needed to hear! I would ask Him to reveal to me where something was when I lost it, or if someone lost their keys or shoes.

I feel like He is so wanting us to understand that He longingly wants us to tune into our natural senses and see what we see, what we hear in our minds, what we sense in our hearts.  He IS SPEAKING, we need to know that He wants us to hear.  

As I was driving to ladies group on our beautiful route here in Oregon looking out over green pastures and fields covered with lush green everywhere.  I was completely enjoying God's creation and taking in His great love for me, thinking through the past couple of days, and I was suddenly recognizing that He had been highlighting  a specific person to me.  Then I began to think about how tickled I was that He kept reminding me, because I obviously wasn't getting it.  That's when it hit me, He really wants me to hear this, and He knows I will eventually get it if He keeps nudging me, even if if it takes three different instances! :)  It's a relationship, and He wants my input and interaction, He doesn't just speak once, and get mad at me if I didn't hear, or say "you weren't listening, your fault you missed out." He never gives up on me, He loves me, He wants me to hear!  I was so excited I had a perma-grin all the way to ladies group.

Here's a great representation of my excitement :)

 

There is resistance to slowing down

www.jkalashnikovphoto.com

We are enjoying listening to the Loving on Purpose  parenting series by Danny Silk in our homegroup.  I absolutely love it! I get so frustrated every time when I see all the places I haven't been applying the things I've learned and yet so encouraged by the awesome perspective and clear vision of what Danny presents, and how valuable parenting is. This is my husband and my 3rd time through this and each time we learn something new, and apply something more. 

As we were watching this last session, I was seeing Danny's extremely patient demeanor, and the process he mentions walking the kids through, and I am sitting there thinking, SO MUCH TIME! It takes so much time, to get the the heart of an issue with the children, or to stop and clean up a mess with them teaching them to clean their own mess, helping them with options and choices, (it takes time and creativity to even think of good choices to offer sometimes), it takes time to help the child get to the place of cleaning up his mess in forgiving his brother from a true place of repentance instead of just plopping down an "I'm sorry!" Then I began to realize, "well if I would just take the TIME, to stop what I am doing and give the time needed, then I actually could handle doing all this responsible parenting." :) 
 Some days I do really well, and some days I get so caught up in my activities that I forget what and who the priority is.  I have begun to recognize when I am getting too hurried. If I am in the kitchen rushing around cleaning off counter tops, swinging around to wash the dishes and GET REALLY ANNOYED when one of my darling children walk in and I almost run into them. Or when I am racing to get my son to bed so I can have my down time, and I feel UNDONE when he wants me to come read to him and I just don't feel like it! When I am so focused on my task: blogging (supposedly helping others learn things in my process of learning haha), editing photos, making dinner, painting, wanting to have an alone time with the Lord...I start to see when once again I allowed other things to come before the kids. I am not saying that I can't do those things, but when I continually am getting frustrated at the kids for needing my help, or asking so many questions, or just wanting Mama to not be busy, then I am saying I need to pull back from my activities and put them first.

The same thing happens in my desire to spend alone time with the Lord, often I feel the wooing of the Holy Spirit to steal away for a moment and just rest in His beautiful presence and it's very tempting and I actually really WANT to, I feel the excitement in my spirit and yet I find myself suddenly on Facebook, or blogging, or finding a snack to munch on, or sitting down to "check out" in front of an entertaining sitcom.  Not that that those things are bad (I had my days of being extremely religious about them being bad), but I notice the PULL towards distractions. It's very constant daily, and there is an extreme resistance to slowing down, just sitting and letting your mind rest and receive or be renewed in His sweet peaceful presence, instead of filling, doing, learning, accomplishing! I find that when I am finally sitting, and lately I notice that sometimes that is only in the bathroom on the "throne," I realize oops I did it again, I haven't taken time to slow down today, because it feels so nice and I really start to hear and see a lot clearer, I get better strategy for the day, I don't feel like I am in constant GO mode.  

Soooooo I have been asking the Lord for wisdom (James 1, if you ask for wisdom you will get it!) and guidance, to recognize when I am being too driven, and not slowing down, because I function SO much better when I have a plan, I am nicer to people and MUCH more patient, when I am not always moving forward to accomplish my plans. I take time to squeeze my son and tell him how much I love his sense of humor, I stop and watch the silly video they have been begging me to see, I don't miss the Que of a moment where I untied heart strings in my snapping at my son.  I don't get annoyed when my husband stops me and kisses me as I am rushing down the hall to put away laundry.  Being in a hurry robs me of the present, cuz I am always pushing towards the future. Holy Spirit let it not be so in my life.

When I slow down things become much more handle-able.

I found God in my house!

My latest fun painting, I really enjoyed painting this, the butterflies are stickers :) It's sitting in my kitchen right now and it makes me so happy!

A few days ago Ian came in and said, "I'm bored Mama, what can I do?" I replied, "Did you have your time with God today?"
"ummm...no, yeah, I'll go do that now."
"I want you to go ahead and have some worship with Joel and help him practice worshiping and listening to God too."
They were excited but they wanted the door closed to the kitchen because they didn't want me to be "spying on them."

Fifteen minutes later, Ian came in all excited flashing an adorable Ian grin, and said he wanted to share about what he had seen.  He told me he saw Neptune on a lion in the sky.  I didn't even know who neptune was, but Ian did of course (he loves facts!).  So I asked him what he thought it meant, and he wasn't sure. I encouraged him to go and ask God what it meant.  He ran off with Joel on his tail.  Again he returned and said he saw a random person looking something up on wikipedia (I love how specificially God speaks to children)!  I told him that sometimes when I feel like Jesus is showing me something, I look up some of the things on wikipedia to let the natural speak of the invisible. He ran off all excited to see what he might find.  He returned a little disappointed, "There's so much about Neptune in the Roman mythology."
Well honey, how I do it is, I just read until something interesting stands out to me.
He ran off.
He came back all smiles, "Well the thing that stood out to me, was "the marriage of Heaven and earth."
I told him he should definitely write down what the Lord shows him so that he remembers how much God talks to him. He agreed.
Now I was even more excited!

So as I have been pondering this cool vision that Ian got, I have thought a lot about  how for so many years I had a tendency to separate the natural things from the spiritual things, only in the last couple years I have started seeing it from God's perspective. I had this wrong picture of being a Christian which separated me from the world in a more critical sense. Also things like separating "boring life things" from "exciting Spiritual things." I really didn't know that it was all related if I was a Christian.  I sort of passed up scriptures like:

1 Cor. 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it ALL for the glory of God."

^{Romans 1:20
 "}For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. "

I knew that I was supposed to have quiet times with the Lord and I wanted to have quiet times, I did enjoy them.  But I started to notice that I would feel guilty if I didn't get a chance to have a "quiet time" and then I would feel like I was failing as a Christian and wasn't putting God first etc...the more I thought about it the more I realized somehow I was separating my life from God. By compartmentalizing Him, He was at Church, in my quiet times,  in my prayer time with the kids, in my intercession time...you get the point.

Now many years later, getting set free from a religious spirit (testimony to come someday :)). I have really seen that tendency in many lives of others as well, and I want to help people see that it doesn't have to be that way. I was extremely blessed by a teaching "Precious Vs. Important" that Jason Hague recently shared at our Church, Christ's Center. He is very eloquent at presenting concepts and revelations in such a clear concise way.  I was so excited to to hear God bringing this revelation to others as well.
I have been trying to be more intentional in focusing in and fully being where I am, when I am doing what I am doing, whether it's laundry, dishes, prayer, reading, computer time, worship or whatever. I intentionally take a moment to thank the Holy Spirit for being with me, for making anything I do become so much more life giving and enjoyable.  I so quickly feel His sweet presence as I take a moment in whatever I am doing to fully embrace His presence.  I also find that I recognize a lot more ways that God speaks to me, and I am not so afraid of reading into symbolism, or embracing the simple ways He truly can reveal things to me, it's super exciting.  I feel so much more free in my relationship to God and see so much clearer, as He has been teaching me to embrace my present, and not always be thinking about the future, or my "destiny," or feeling like I failed in the past.  I am living my destiny and I am enjoying knowing that I am not missing out on "more important things."  God knew a huge season of my life would be raising my children and being a wife, and He also knows all the things He put inside of me that might come after my season of "Mama," but it doesn't mean I have to wait to let out all this passion burning inside of me, I do it at home all the time with my kids, with my husband, with my neighbors, in the grocery store, at the movies, EVERYWHERE!

I was so tickled when one of my dreams came true in 2008 and we would be moving to Redding, Ca, to attend Bethel church!  I was super excited to be involved in such an incredible move of God and I imagined I would want to be at every meeting and trying out everything they offered.  My husband even had to make sure that I understood I still had to be a Mom and his wife, I couldn't just disappear into "spirit land." I agreed. Well the funny thing was I found myself recognizing in those two and half years, how much God was the same God at my house as he was at Bethel Church.  I began having major encounters with the living God on my living room floor.  I also had the joy of joining a prophetic prayer group of MOMS and wives, who would get together and just love on God, and experience His manifest presence in their home!  One of the biggest things I learned was how much God was real in my home and in my family and in my marriage.  We got to take a lot of great things from Bethel as well, but this was the biggest one for me, we fully took God into our home and our family, no more leaving Him at Church or in the room, or in the prayer group. 

"So would you want to marry me then?" (Part 5)

Back in the USA! We were so happy to be back!  We loved our experience in China, and it gave us a new appreciation for America as well.

It was time for our graduation from Youth With a Mission, we did it!  Now we could have guy/girl relationships! ;) And of course had an incredible mind blowing time of getting closer to God (that's another story).  So it was either the evening or the next day after graduation, Ruslan and I took a little walk together ALONE on the base.  We stopped and sat on a brick wall and Ruslan wanted to tell me that he was very serious about our relationship and that he was definitely at the point of not pursuing any other girl, he had only desire for me (blush :)).  Now this is the embarrassing part, like I mentioned before I still dealt a lot with fear of making mistakes and fear of rejection, so I needed to be 100% sure this was the right thing to do.  That being said,  I listened to what he said, and felt so touched and excited, yet still a lot afraid, because I knew how serious he was, and this was the real deal.  So I responded:
"I really like you too and I definitely want to get to know you more and see where this will lead.  I don't know if I can promise the same to you yet (sweating inside)???  I need to see where this goes."
As perfectly calm as he was the first time, he very cooly replied,
"Well, I need an answer from you by tomorrow.  Because I am not waiting around while you decide, again."
I totally understood, and felt really embarrassed, nervous, even a little angry that he would request that of me, and confused all at the same time.  We said goodnight and I went back to my room.  I prayed and cried, and sought God's advice, and realized this guy is very patient with me.  I better not be stupid a second time around! There was no way I was losing him again. "So fear you better shut up!"

Jessica and Jessica, it was a great night of missions, a lot of fun

The next morning I was antsy and ready to tell Ruslan the good news! I was in!  I found him quickly and told him I was in and I wanted us to pursue this relationship.  He was of course, relieved and we talked about some details of our next steps.  He told me that he was considering whether or not to go back home to Lithuania for a while, or go livc with his uncle in Sacramento, of course I was rooting for Sacramento.  I told him of my plans to do the extended night of missions where we would travel around the west coast to different churches and do evangelism and prayer.  Which would be in the following 2 weeks, lasting for about 4 weeks. 

Ruslan fasted and prayed and really struggled with what to do, but he finally felt the Lord leading him to Sacramento (Praise God!) and I felt that I was to go home for a couple months, after the night of missions and possibly come back to YWAM in April to do the leadership school, in 1999.  We decided we would correspond via snail mail and when possible, phone.  It was a stretching time for me to be away from him for so long, but also good to realize even more how much I cared for him.  I even did a little test, in my heart with the Lord.  We were taking a little hike with the team on night of missions and I lost my bracelet from Ruslan that he had given me ( a homemade leather strap with beads that he had given to me for fun, earlier), and I was worried that it was a "sign,"(yes I was a little too superstitious in my religious thinking)  that maybe I wasn't supposed to be with him.  I started feeling sad and worried that I might have to let go, or break off the relationship, I was going through all of this in my head as we walked.  On the way back from the hike, I was asking the Lord if Ruslan was the one for me,  and told him that I was willing to lay down my heart desires if it wasn't from God, and literally at the same moment, I happened to look down, and right in front of me lay the bracelet!  I took it as a confirmation!

In December I ended up staying in Eugene, Oregon with my awesome siblings, Autumn and Doug for a while and then Josh and Karen.  Ruslan decided he wanted to take a bus to come and see me and we would travel to Cedarville,Ca together to visit my hometown. Once we arrived in Cedarville it was Christmas eve and we went to eat at our local restaurant, The Country Hearth (where I used to work), Ruslan bought me a nice dinner and for some reason my stomach was so nervous.  We ended up talking about our desires and possible future together, and we both agreed that we would want to get married someday, so at that point that was when he said, "So would you want to marry me then?" 
"Yes, I would." I couldn't contain my smile from ear to ear.
He asked me if in my culture we do the ring at the engagement?  I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I told him yes, usually you have a ring at the "engagement asking," he apologized for not having one but promised, he would get right on that. :)
Funny thing is my sister Sarah was our server that night, so when she returned to check our drink levels, she was the first person to find out we were engaged!!!

Does he look a little nervous surrounded by the Rivas family?

This was on the way to Cedarville from Eugene

We walked home floating on air, the stars were shining extra bright and the freezing cold wind was music in my ears, I still couldn't believe I was going to marry this man.  When we got home that night I immediately told mom, and she was so excited for us.  She immediately went into her room and got out her journal from 8 months earlier, and showed me the day the Lord spoke to her, that Ruslan would be my future husband. I was so ecstatic, this was a dream come true.  Both Ruslan and I were shocked at Mom's journal but also very thankful for such a confirmation of this next HUGE step.

This is the end of our "meeting love story" but of course there is so much more that has come of this love in the last 13 and a half years, through good times and some very bad times, I think I will have to continue this story some day, for you to see, what happens after the perfect love story becomes some of your greatest challenges? And how we got through.

Hope For Ruslan and Jessica Part 4

There were definitely times we connected on a fun level, but I never knew if Ruslan could tell how much I liked him now, because he was really good at completely HIDING his feelings, IF he had any for me??? We played a lot of volleyball on teams, Jeni and I hung out a lot at the pool with Ruslan and sometimes others too. Jeni and I attempted pushing him in, and found ourselves both in the pool and Ruslan with a hurt thumb or something. I pretty much always tried to be near him whether he realized or not, I didn't care, I just really liked being around him. I was always so interested to see when God was touching Ruslan or speaking something to him through different speakers who came to our school I wanted to know God's heart for him too. I was once again even more impressed with this powerful man of God. He was also an excellent speaker. We did this project where we were supposed to write about a characteristic of God, funny, loving, joyful , etc...and then share our insights with the class. We pretty much all felt shamed by our presentation compared to Ruslan's, he had a natural talent for speaking, I was so proud.

Also some really revealing shallowness on my behalf, I remember watching him play basketball for the first time and being unimpressed, and that was one of the first months of knowing him. I hadn't seen anything else yet, but I do remember wondering if I could like someone who wasn't good at sports, haha! (I hadn't seen him play soccer yet) Yes I had some vanity, big time! Thankfully God started revealing to me more of what really mattered.

Finally! It was a week before leaving for our outreach to China and all of our money had come in, which we were doubtful would happen. But miraculously both Ruslan and I received the rest of our money anonymously, and unexpectedly myself, from my Great Grandfather Poppy, whom I don't even think really supported the whole idea of what I was doing...but I knew he did love me, God is good.

I felt released to give Ruslan ANOTHER letter...DONT WORRY!, not a stomp on your heart type of letter, but a letter asking if we could at least still continue getting to know each other as friends and not lose that, which was really valuable to me. I also apologized for hurting him, and said some other stuff. I took the letter to him and asked if I could talk to him. This time I literally read it out loud to him telling him it was easier for me to read the letter so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to say. I was really nervous and felt kinda cheesy, but I kept reading. I finished it up, and asked,

“So, do you think we could at least be friends?”

Not surprising, he basically said, “Sure.” and walked away.

I know I probably deserved that. But hey there was HOPE!.. I think.

The next week we left for China, Ruslan got stopped in Canada with visa/passport issues again, and he had to fly alone separate from the team, because he actually had to take a different airline. I was so bummed to be flying with out him, (he wouldn't arrive til late after us). I had already concocted a plan how to sit next to him on the plane, darn it!

You can see why sometimes asians would come up to me and start speaking to me wondering why I couldn't understand them! :) I guess I did kinda blend in

The next morning after we arrived in Hong Kong, I woke up and came out of my room anticipating Ruslan's arrival. As I was walking down the hallway I saw his shoes in front of the guys room, I could feel my heart flutter! “Oh, Lord, I so want this to work out?!!”

The first week there were a lot of emotions through out the whole team, people feeling culture shock, issues that weren't discussed with each other back at the base, team mates getting annoyed with each other, missing home, tired of eating peanut butter and jelly toast for every breakfast, 99% humidity and about 90 degrees, (I had NEVER experienced such sweating in my life!) yet still the excitement of being in a different country and bringing the Lord's presence. I remember crying one day in my room on the bunk bed, feeling like it was so hopeless with Ruslan seeing how he still gave so much attention to Jeni and wondering if he had deeper feelings for her. I felt like he WASN'T acting any different towards me, even after the note.

train corridor

We thankfully got to take a 30 hour train ride, I say thankfully because of what transpired. As I mentioned before no exclusive guy/girl relationships, so that also meant no alone time together. Well Ruslan was sitting at a table in the corridor of the train and there was enough space from the open bunks and train sounds that I could sit by him in the open and actually have some privacy. We ended up talking for about 6-7 hours straight! I was able to be totally honest with my whole summer process, and why the note, and where I was at now, how difficult it was to wait and trust God, and how much I was interested in him now. He also shared his side of things and that he did STILL have feelings for me, and that he had chosen to completely lay me down and had asked God to take away all feelings for me so he wouldn't be suffering throughout the school having hope for something he thought was completely dead. We shared our perspective on different incidents, I asked if he did like Jeni (I had to cover all the ground!), it was amazing! I felt like my heart came back to life! I was so excited and couldn't contain my smile from ear to ear.

Suffice to say, the next 4-6 weeks in China were pure bliss! It didn't matter that our bus broke down on our drive to the great wall, and that 8 of us had to push it, it didn't matter that Mcdonalds was like the best treat we could eat because of being so tired of chinese food, it didn't matter that one of our hotels was so bad we found toe nail clippings all over our half brown stained carpet that would become infested with cockroaches once the lights were out, it didn't matter that the guys stayed in the basement of the hotel with multiple other strange room mates,... Ruslan had feelings for ME!!! And he was starting to show them. Thankfully our hotels did get increasingly better as we traveled on. We had so much fun on this adventure together getting to know each other more knowing there was hope for our future...together. We did get talked to a couple times by the leaders, saying we were being a little too exclusive. We continued writing a couple letters back and forth through out that time as well. He even bought me a Mcdonald's ice cream one day, I had no money at that point so that was awesome! He knew the way to my heart, ice cream.

Mcdonalds!!!

Ruslan standing by ME!!! :)

To be continued...

The Crush grows stronger, Ruslan and Jessica (Part 2)

Our Team at another orphanage being built

Our awesome hippy skirts and t-shirt ensemble

So I went to my leader and asked for advice, I told her that I liked Ruslan as a friend and wanted to get to know him more, but that I didn’t want to confuse him or lead him on, cuz what if he wasn’t “the one”( I was a bit afraid of making a mistake – I wanted God to tell me what to do, I didn't know if I could trust my heart?).  I loved hanging out with him, but it was now confirmed that he did like me more than a friend, so I didn’t want to lead him on, but I didn’t want to stop getting closer to him.  I didn’t know the future, so I wanted to keep moving forward but I was confused, I felt afraid that I might hurt him if he didn’t turn out to be the one I married.   My leader strongly suggested that I needed to close any doors of "false hope" for Ruslan so I wouldn't be falsely leading him on.  I decided I would write him a letter to clarify things.  At first I wrote that I really liked him as a friend, and that I wanted to continue to get to know him and just see what the future had in store.  I gave the letter to my leader to see if it was clear enough.  She read the letter and said, it left too much of an open door, I needed to make it very clear (She was a VERY sweet leader, but I think maybe she had a few fears herself about relationships not wanting people to get hurt as well). So I rewrote that part and basically said "you are great I like you a lot, but I NEVER see us together in the future." (Ouch! I know ) You would think he would have given up on me forever at that point, well he almost did.  I  thought I had lost my chance “forever” (there’s that dumb word again, that almost ruined my chance with him sheesh)! 

Basically I gave him the note and the next time I saw him he didn’t look happy, I said hi in passing on the sidewalk and he didn’t even answer, my heart just plopped into my shoes.  I felt a little sick to my stomach, what had I done???  I felt horrible.

Well as you can imagine he was devastated, especially cuz my actions showed more interest than that. I was a bit confused myself.  The weeks passed with a lot of turmoil inside, for me, and questions to God.  I tried to still be friendly with Ruslan but he was very emotionless with me and I felt like he was only being cordial.  One thing I noticed right away, was he really did choose to stop caring completely about anything I thought of him; ironically this revealed another side to him I hadn’t seen yet.  He was so much more relaxed and funny he wasn’t at all nervous or trying to act his “best,” which of course, I found even more attractive, this new confidence.  I could tell I was really frustrating him as I continued to be friendly with him, because come to find out he was thinking:

“Why in the world is she now acting like she cares about me when she made it extremely clear that she NEVER sees us together in the future?!”  

So he continued through out the next few months to practically ignore me unless I approached him, and I had a really great friend who I had gotten really close to named Jeni, and the three of us would often hang out, but Ruslan would always give her ALL the attention it was really starting to get to me. 

“Lord, did I truly ruin my chance of ever having anything with this guy?  Is he falling for my friend now?  Were his feelings for me no big deal, and now he ALREADY likes someone else, who is the complete OPPOSITE of me!??”

I had many nights crying out to God asking if I could talk to Ruslan about my growing feelings and yet, I never felt that would help anything except for him to think I was not sincere, or had no idea what I wanted, or was just playing with his heart.  So I kept praying and giving it back to God asking Him to give me another chance to make things right, so that maybe someday we could see if we were meant to be together.

Our team of 17, traveled to Mexico, Vicente Guerrero, together on an outreach and had such a great time, once again I was in the van sitting next to Ruslan having so much more of a crush on him by now.  Seeing his very playful side telling stories of his life growing up and making jokes with the team mates.  I also saw that competitive side come out again when we played volleyball together one evening at the Los Angeles YWAM base, enroute to Mexico.  He was getting pretty visibly angry as he spiked the volleyball at me on the opposing team as they were beginning to lose.  I knew the frustration had a little more to do with than volleyball. 

In Mexico I watched what a really hard worker he was and what a great attitude he had about hard work and serving others, I was even more impressed.  We also went on one outreach to some poor children who had almost no food and we gave them, as a treat, a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of powdered milk, I held the huge peanut butter canister and Ruslan dug it out by the spoonfuls.  I was wondering how silly he must have thought I looked in my mandatory hippy skirt, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  We were to dress as modest as possible, no tank-tops, no jeans or shorts, they needed to be long dresses or skirts.  I thought it was so funny how much he hated getting “dirty” he couldn’t stand all the dirt in Mexico, and yet, he ended up digging a well in a huge pit of dirt for an orphanage and shoveling huge piles of dirt to bring to other locations, and he still was hardly ever complaining.  I also loved how his hair would get so full of dust it became wiry and would stick up all over the place.  

My future husband working hard ;)

There's me in the back with Ruslan!

Ruslan cracking up some team mates

Peanut butter delight! :)

Well digging

  

Yes I was absolutely falling for him.  I thought it wasn’t that obvious but judging by the comments from the team members later, they said that they always joked about the growing relationship between Ruslan and I, that we both thought wasn’t so obvious, haha, love is blind is guess.

more to come...

Sharing my process OUT LOUD. :)

When we first had the plan to move to Eugene Oregon, it was all quite sudden. As in we decided a month before we moved! We were in a tough place in our home business, we were about to lose our house to foreclosure in CA, we had moved to Redding 2 1/2 years prior, (because of a wish of mine for 10 years that Ruslan granted me), and Ruslan blurted out the idea of moving to Oregon. I kinda laughed and then saw the seriousness in his eyes. 
"Oh you are serious?" I pried further. 

So we prayed looked at our situation and saw that we really didn't have anything holding us to Redding, (well except that I personally wasn't quite done yet), but I knew it was my turn to follow Ruslan's desire, He always wanted to try Oregon, and he kinda just wanted to try something completely new. As we prayed at different times one of the things the Lord spoke to us was that we would be learning more about "community." I thought that rather odd, coming from a family of 10 children, I thought I knew community quite well!

Here we are 2 1/2 years into our lives in Eugene Oregon and I completely see how I had NOT known true community.  First of all, props to Christ's Center Church for fully embracing and loving on this struggling family as we began to rebuild from what felt like brick one, of our foundation in finances and direction.  We felt so loved and supported as we let people into our process.  I started recognizing that one of my past ideas of letting people in was getting through the struggle and sharing the testimony of my victory AFTERWARDS.  So we started being more vulnerable and sharing our feelings of despair, frustration, losing hope, lost vision, and just plain anger at certain situations.  We saw how people began to completely surround us and bare our burdens and pray with us, give us gifts, offered groceries sometimes, spoke hope, and believed in us, even provided Christmas presents our first year! We were being blessed beyond measure, and we felt so loved, and NOT ALONE. 

One of my big issues before a lot of my healing processes; through SOZO inner healing, and God's love melting down my walls, was thinking that I needed to always figure everything out on my own, and that I needed to be perfect, it was a tough standard to live up to, and very lonely.  I have watched others reach out beyond their struggles and love on us, and it has taught me so much more about giving love as well.  I didn't recognize how that lie I was living under also made me quite selfish, cuz it was all about me figuring it out on my own, so I always had to be looking out for myself. I was so blessed by the three photographer's in my church who fully came along side me and poured into my business as if it was their own.  All since of competition and fear completely dissipated, I was embarrassed to have even had those feelings. Jaymie Starr, Anne Nunn, and Cassie Wicks, thank you, thank you, thank you! My eyes are being opened to all those around me, and I want to see how I too can help others.

Just Copying Jesus

I have been thinking more and more about what it looks like to "disciple" my children. Normally I wouldn't think of raising my kids as such a "spiritual" thing as discipling (silly me) but one day I was listening to a teaching by Jason Hague at our church and he was defining what discipleship looked like:

 Of Course we think of Jesus, and the 12 disciples, and what did that look like? 

Well, he practically lived with them, he ate with them, he hung out with them almost every day for long hours at a time and he lived life in front of them.  Sometimes correcting them; like not to call fire down on people, not to think of yourself better than others (first in the Kingdom of Heaven, sitting at the right hand of Jesus), not to only rejoice in casting out demons but that their names were written in the book of life, he loved on them, spoke life changing encouragement over them, led by example, served them etc... I think you get the point.  

Suddenly it started sounding so familiar, Oh my goodness! I have 4 disciples living right beneath my nose, that I can be equipping now! Not some day when I have arrived and am teaching to the nations, or conferences, or on the pulpit, or on the streets evangelizing SOMEDAY...but now!  The Lord has entrusted 4 precious leaders of the next generation into my very hands.  

So with my mindset changed, I have had a new value for what I do, and for these precious little ones.  I have always valued them, but not in this way, it's a very important different way of thinking.  Instead of hurrying through reading to my son, so I can get onto more important things, or not wanting to stop and listen to an argument cuz I need to hurry onto something more important, instead of needing to teach the kids about the Lord by teaching and words alone, I all the more understand they are watching me.  When I want to spend time with the Lord I do, sometimes in the living room sprawled out on the floor with worship music playing as the kids come and pile on top of me.  Or just speaking out loud my thankfulness for the beauty of creation pointing out God's love in all that He created for us.  Sharing my feelings and processes out loud with the kids more intentionally instead of only processing it inside. Showing my excitement and sharing what God has been revealing to me in life.  Even just talking to them about my day or feeling emotional etc... apologizing more quickly when I make mistakes and have temper tantrums in front of the kids...

I have really been enjoying this new thinking! Sorry it took me so long to get it. But thankfully there was always grace in my learning years.  Love truly covers a multitude of sins. Phewww! :)

So

Give Me More Fat!

OK so some interesting discoveries today, number one I am a major CARB girl, I NEED my daily carbs. And there are actually good carbs that I can have like squash, green apples, and I decided to introduce cheese early to see if our bodies are ready for it (if we have any reactions, gas, bloating, "squirts"constipation, skin rash, then it's TOO SOON! heh heh) 

When I woke up this morning I felt SO weak and shaky I couldn't even get out of bed I went straight to the kitchen and literally DEVOURED a green apple, it was like eating fruit straight from the garden of eden it tasted divine! I went to eat another one but remembered the home-made kefir (cultured milk-kinda like buttermilk) my sister Autumn made.  I made a blueberry, honey, coconut water smoothy it sooooo helped I started to feel normal again)

I decided that we would not be doing the full "Gaps Introduction Diet" cuz it's specifically for people with major digestive problems, (which praise God we don't have). But we will be doing the FULL GAPS DIET you have to check out the website to see what the heck I am talking about. :) www.gapsdiet.com

OH and I am so impressed with how my appetites have already changed! I usually use meat as a meal enhancer not the main course, and I don't really LOVE meat just the taste sometimes. Welllllll now, I devour a whole chicken thigh and I actually WANT the skin and the fat juices taste so satisfying, and I eat lots of soaked and dehydrated nuts. AND... I am famished within 2 hrs after eating a ton. I have always believed, the all too false understanding of fats being BAD!  Plus I only cook with butter, cuz most oils become toxic when heated to high, except animal fat, organic raw cold pressed coconut oil, and olive oil. And I have lost 4 pounds!!??? All contrary to my beliefs in how we are to noursih our bodies wow!

 Well our brain literally functions on fat! Annnnd.......

"FATS from animal and vegetable sources provide a concentrated source of energy in the diet, they also supply the building blocks for cell membranes and a variety of hormones and hormone like substances.  Fats as part of a meal slow down nutrient absorption so that we can go longer with out feeling hungry.  IN addition they act as carriers for important fat-soluble vitamins A,D,E, and K.  Dietary fats are needed for the conversion of carotene to vitamin A, for mineral absorption and for a host of other processes!"   ("Nourishing Traditions" Sally Fallon)

The boys are doing so well at eating everything I offer them except the squash pancakes (they aren't that awesome) and when they eat, they EAT!! ( I don't think we ever fully finished off a COSTCO rotisserie chicken in one sitting). I still can't believe Daniel, Ian, and Joel were ASKING for fresh sauerkraut!!!  Where as before, they would only plug their nose and quickly gulp down a tablespoon of the juice.  (These are good probiotics for the healing of the gut and better digestion) And Ian likes onions now! Amazing! Annnnnd of course as I mentioned about Joel WANTING to eat sardines!

A true depiction of our lunch earlier today :)

These photos are not reenactments

I even gave little Abi some watered down chicken stock in her bottle and she drank it without any hesitation. :)

Ruslan is doing amazing cuz he's  a major PROTEIN guy, he wakes up with energy, and already, his breathing has been restored! Before we started GAPS he was having a hard time getting a full breath he kept feeling short of out of breath often and not able to get a full breath.  I am pretty sure that was due to so many sugars and white flours :( and probably not enough protein. Since I had no grid for the need of SO MUCH PROTEIN when I wasn't like that. :)

Mercy Ruth the Great! (portrait session)

Mercy Ruth is a beautiful young lady.  Full of spunk and tons of personality.  She is super sensitive and thoughtful yet so full of life.  What a lovely young woman.  I am excited to see all that God has in store for this bright eyed wonder!

I love you my darling niece!

Aunty Jessica

Portraits anyone? Eugene Oregon photography, Weddings, Children, Family photography

Mercy Ruth the Great! (portrait session)

 

Mercy Ruth is a beautiful young lady.  Full of spunk and tons of personality.  She is super sensitive and thoughtful yet so full of life.  What a lovely young woman.  I am excited to see all that God has in store for this bright eyed wonder!

I love you my darling niece!

Aunty Jessica

Portraits anyone? Eugene Oregon photography, Weddings, Children, Family photography