What if we've had it all backwards with our lives?

What if we are supposed to raise our children and be there for our children and THEN pursue our "career" after the children have grown? Or to intentionally find things to make a living that involve our children?

Joel and his Papa

 

Now I know this might sound ridiculous to some and especially for some who have waited til a lot later to have children, but what if there's truth in this?

my hot rugged man working from home

Love his availability for coffee dates!

I have thought a lot about the state that we are in right now as our family has grown and years have passed and Ruslan has off and on wondered why he isn't still successful in the standards of this society.  He doesn't have the career that he imagined he would at this age (37) the money or the house that he pictured as a matter of fact we are still renting.  Each time we approach the subject it seems that God is continually pointing to the faithfulness of my husband, the great success he has had in being there for our children, in becoming the most amazing father husband ever (in our lives)!  I only see great fruit from the fact that Ruslan never got tied up or caught up in being at work all the time or studying for his degree so long he missed out on the children.

Melt my heart moments of Papa and Daughter

 

I know this might be touchy for some, and I am NOT saying that those things are wrong, not at all.  I am just wondering WHEN those things are actually supposed to come into play in a person's life who wants to have children and a family, a husband, or a wife.  I have seen the fruit of our children's lives as they have had total access to their parents and availability and openness to talk and discuss life with them.  My heart has exploded with the joy and deep satisfaction of watching my husband be interested in my teenage sons life, asking him every time he returns from time with friends, "How'd it go? What are your friends up to lately (knowing their names) truly finding interest in what Daniel does and what he's into.  I have seen the security in our teenager knowing that he is loved always, and protected, held accountable taught about the consequences of his decisions, heard, and that he is known.  

Watching my 2 year old daughter be able to climb up on Daddy's lap being welcomed every time and applauded as she comes in saying "woot Papa, woot!"(Look! Look!) As he adoringly gasps with pleasure at her new outfit I just put on her.

As we are considering the prospect of Ruslan working outside the home asking the children what their thoughts are, each one asking:

 "Does that mean Papa would be gone everyday?" (Joel`6 yrs)

"It's OK we don't need him to work somewhere else, because we have enough money, I really like Papa being home everyday." (Ian 10 yrs)

"I really like being able to visit with Papa everyday whenever I want to." (Daniel 13 yrs)

 

I am starting to hear a very clear message here.

I think it's in the heart of every child to have access to their parents, not to have the big house the beautiful car, the fun "things" without the parents being available.

I realize we have to make a living to raise a family, but I think there's more to it than that.

Our children need us. They desperately need us.  I just don't want us to fall into the trap of the "norm of society" that we are to sacrifice our children for our career.

Love his hands with hers

 

I honestly wonder if we aren't supposed to sacrifice our career and success for our children, or find things that make us still available to them, until they have come out of their very tender, mold-able, easily influenced state. I don't even know how that would look fully. But it's something I have really been pondering. I have seen the beautiful fruit in the security and solidness of our children as both my husband and I have been SO extremely blessed to have been able to be stay at home parents for the last 8 years (myself all of their lives-amazingly enough).

All I know is that I remember after getting married and seeing that my husband had to go to work everyday from 8-5, as I stayed home alone waiting for our son to bloom and grow inside my belly, I thought: 

"This is not what I signed up for! God I don't want to just be hone alone and not have my husband except for a few hours in the evening and weekends? I want more than this. I know it might sound ridiculous and impossible God, but I want my husband home, and I want him to be available to our children as they come into our lives."

I see that God heard my cry and He's willing to work with anyone who cries out for more, He makes a way where there seems to be NO WAY. Wow Lord God you are so faithful, thank you!

 

Don't be afraid to ask for the impossible, He wants to show you that with Him all things are possible, how awesome is that! Don't be afraid to think outside the "norm" of life and the cycles or ruts we've gotten caught up into, we may not even recognize that we are stuck in some things. Don't be afraid to ask for more than you have.

"Yeah, I would have done that differently..."

I recently have thought about how far I've come in my understanding of relationships and being real with who I am.  As a child growing up, the underlying tone of my father and most the adults in religious settings was "just obey and don't ask questions." Show good behavior, just do the right thing.  I don't know if it was just religious settings but that's where I felt it the most, personally.  Being a pretty "good girl" all my life, I knew the exact things to do and not say to keep peace with all people.

 It hadn't occurred to me that I was sacrificing who I really was, to please others.  It sorta snuck up on me.  I was watching a show in about 2004 called "Starting Over" and the life coach was trying to tell this woman that she wasn't genuine.  The girl was very insulted and was trying to prove that she was "doing" everything that the coach was requiring and didn't understand why she was saying that about being genuine.  The coach tried to describe it further, and finally she said, "You know those thoughts or opinions you have that you keep inside when someone is speaking, or acting, and you keep to yourself? That is what you genuinely feel and you need to be letting those out."

What??? Wow!  I think I am not fully genuine.  I thought as I watched.  From that moment on I gave permission to the Holy Spirit to help me find out who I really was.  I started asking Him to help me stretch in speaking out some of those things I actually think.

I remember a good example of how I used to be.  A friend of ours was sort of rhetorically saying, "I just can't seem to get the hard water stains off of the glass of my show doors."
As I listened to everything that she had tried, and hadn't been successful with, I thought, "That's weird that she doesn't know about vinegar." But didn't even think for a moment to speak out my suggestion.
Instead felt proud that I had already figured that out, and looked down on her for not knowing that yet.

I am embarrassed to even admit this as I write it, but, that's where I was.

I know that the biggest part of my growing up believing I should just obey and respect others, silenced me because I didn't want to ever be wrong, or out of line.  Fear of man became more of a power in me than who I really was.  I didn't know I could ask questions, or offer my opinion or advice, and it only furthered the gap between myself and relationship with others. I could never understand why people never got very close to me.  I had friends, but they never seemed to go as deeply as I would have liked.  Or I looked down on them because they didn't seem to want to be real, as I was so easily doing (strange deception).

All that to say, thank God He didn't leave me that way.  He called me out of my cocoon and showed me it was a safer place than I thought to be real and open and honest with others.  I have learned to ask questions, to not assume so many things. To learn from others.  To not have to have all the answers on my own.  To get more information, and come to a more realistic conclusion, including the person on my overall picture of who they were.  It has been so freeing and exhilarating to not always think the worst or take so personally things that are most often misunderstandings, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

I am enjoying, getting to be who I really am.  It's so much less stressful, and when I do make a mistake it feels so much more feasible to fix my mistakes instead of running, or wanting to blame someone else.  I get to be a grown up and own up to my imperfections. It feels wonderful.

"Let the Little Children Come." Jesus (How we as parents teach them this)

Boys will be boys! I thank God for the adventure of boys :)

As some of you know I sent out a question about requests for subjects to blog about AND I got some replies, yay! So on behalf of those responses I will start with the first one I got.

How to teach your children about God and to come into His Presence.

One of my FAVORITE subjects!!!

This has been the cry of my heart since the day I found out I was pregnant with my first son Daniel! Thirteen years forward and three children added to our clan, I am STILL learning this wonderful concept, of teaching my kids this very thing.

One thing that comes to mind is understanding that we don't have to TEACH them in order for them to understand that God is the right choice, but so that they can MEET Him and find out themselves that there is nothing greater!  I believe God's goodness and love is so intense and so fulfilling that even our children cannot deny the incredible power of His love.  I used to feel the pressure was all on me to "cover all the bases" of Christianity, and God's ways etc...and that pressure was horrible!  I always felt like I was coming up short.  I felt this constant nagging, of "not enough! not good enough! not enough." As I got that revelation suddenly my focus began to change.  

"You mean all I need to do is encounter you more so that I can bring them in with me, Lord?"

I used to feel that I needed to have prayer every morning and read the Bible and have prayer with them, because that was how we were raised and so that must be what I need to do to.  But every time I tried so hard to make it happen, the worse the prayer time would be.  I had such an expectation they could all feel it, so they would immediately be reacting out of rebellion against my "law" and I would get so angry that no one was interested in God, supposedly ;).  Sometimes, even my husband could feel my pressure, and I felt that He wasn't even supporting me in this (he just didn't want to do it religiously, as I didn't recognize I was doing).  Ruslan would join us and be there but I could feel his lack of participation, and I just couldn't understand why, until later.  I had an extremely high expectation on him too because of knowing how important it was for the kids to see that "Papa" also loved God and put Him first, and I was afraid if they saw any kind of lack of interest from their dad then they too would lack interest (I had a lot of rules in my head of how things should be).

I remember one hard morning when I decided I AM NOT GONNA BE RELIGIOUS, I just want us to see what God wants to do or to show us, we will just have a good ol time.  Well for some reason the boys decided to be completely rambunctious and not quiet down or listen when I was trying to share something etc...and I broke!  "I just want us to spend some time with GOD! What the Hell!!! I yelled (haha I laugh even as I write that).  The moment those words came out I felt so embarrassed and it was so ironic linking the words hell together with God, how silly could I be!! What kind of picture was I giving them of God, a pissed mad Mama trying to force them into wanting to spend time with this "serious" God. No! That's not at all what I wanted!  I got up and somewhat sarcastically said, "I am going to my room to spend time with God, it's fine if you guys don't want to, I do."
As I was in the room I could just feel the grace of God all over me, He was so fine with my blow out, He wasn't shocked at all, yeah He didn't like my kids being yelled at either, but He knew my heart for them and He was letting me know I needed to lighten up on MYSELF, so I would give more slack to my kids as well.  I literally could feel the joy of the Lord pulsing through me as I began to laugh out loud, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I could feel walls of religious rules falling down, walls of false responsibility crumbling down, walls of fear of messing up my kids, walls of shame breaking down, and He just kept washing over me with this incredible unconditional love.  "Oh Lord, this is what I want my kids to experience, this is who You really are, Father help me to teach them about this!"  
I could just hear him whispering, "Patience, just give it time, you focus on getting filled up with My love, so you have something to give them."


(I will continue on this subject more. I feel like little bits at a time is better than too much, so that you have time to ponder these things and apply if you like before getting more information to add to all the information that we get these days. :))

I am not rejectable

I  didn't know what true freedom felt like til I tasted it.

I didn't realize I still dealt with rejection issues until God began to reveal this issue again and then literally showed me that a spirit had attached itself to this wound in me and was confirming this lie in every way it possibly could.  A few examples being when someone said no to me it felt so much deeper than just a simple no, or if I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable feeling and got no response or the "wrong" response, it freaked me out I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, like I had done something wrong, and I suddenly wanted to take it back, NOW! I even felt it in my family sometimes which surprised me because I had never really doubted that my family loved me, but being from a large family you just can't personally connect with every sibling on the same level (as we have become adults), as much as I desire that.  When a sibling would come to visit and they didn't let me know or I heard it through the grapevine, I would question if maybe they didn't wanna see me or maybe they didn't care about me the same way  they did the others.   But I felt trapped because I didn't want them to feel responsible for making me feel that way because I knew it was my problem, but I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling either, and I didn't know how to ask questions either, so I would drop hints or be sarcastic instead of sharing my heart.  That of course only brought confusion on both ends.

Sooo anyway, I went to this conference (approx. 6 months ago) about deliverance from strongholds and the Lord showed me that I had a spirit of rejection, so some of the prayer team prayed over me and told that spirit to leave and I agreed and also told it to go, and after some rather intense travailing and crying and yelling, I was free! I could feel this very heavy weight lift off my shoulders, and I just felt so light and airy.  It was a very refreshing feeling.  Since that day I have seen major changes in my everyday life! In the way I relate to my husband, my children, my friendships, my relationships, my creativity, even as I have started taking ballet, I suddenly realized something felt so different this time around (I took it 3 years ago). I feel so free to flow and enjoy and let go of my mind and move with the movements, not worrying about how quickly I do or don't pick up the techniques.  I don't feel the tenseness or strain of trying so hard to do it exact or the fear of messing up, or looking silly for not knowing if I am doing what is required from the teacher.  I am so thankful for this freedom and so thankful for joy and enjoyment!

Why is it hard to admit I'm weak sometimes???

Why is it so hard to admit when I feel weak?!! Or have a need. Or a want. Or need help.  I have realized that it's very hard for me to admit when I can't handle something.  Thankfully, over the years the Lord and people have been teaching me the value of really saying what I need, not demanding it, but just even saying it out loud. Also admitting when something does actually affect me, or hurt me, even though I can think of a hundred good reasons why it happened and that the other person probably didn't mean it, or they were having a bad day, or a bad life. :) etc...

Being pregnant, this fourth time of my life, I have been the most in tune to myself than any of the other times. I have finally been able to recognize for one that being pregnant really does affect the rest of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I first found out I was pregnant Ruslan and I had a really good discussion after he pretty much said, "I don't like who you become when you are pregnant" in a very graceful kind way, that I was able to receive and share my side. So from that discussion I realized I needed to make a few changes.  I have been able to give myself permission to be a "cry baby" to feel more intensely, to hurt more easily, to ask for emotional support from my husband, to communicate my needs instead of expecting my husband to read my mind (and then be mad when he doesn't read right :)).  I would say this has been the smoothest pregnancy yet, with the best communication and enjoyment of the process as well. I even have felt patient with the process, not just wanting the end to come, although at this point I am pretty ready. :)  

This last month I start to feel a little bummed that I can't handle EVERYTHING I usually can when I am not pregnant, and I feel bad that I don't feel up to my normal tasks. I don't want to be that person that asks for help all the time, or starts to annoy my husband with all my "needs"  That is how this blog started, just asking myself that question, "Why is it so hard to admit when something feels like too much?"  Well I guess the reality is, I am still in process, and for some reason I have been trained, and reinforced that training myself; that feeling weak and womanly is not OK. 

So Lord, retrain me, cuz I know we are delicate, intricate, amazing beings, us women! I think the truth is we are just too dang strong sometimes! :)