"Yeah, I would have done that differently..."

I recently have thought about how far I've come in my understanding of relationships and being real with who I am.  As a child growing up, the underlying tone of my father and most the adults in religious settings was "just obey and don't ask questions." Show good behavior, just do the right thing.  I don't know if it was just religious settings but that's where I felt it the most, personally.  Being a pretty "good girl" all my life, I knew the exact things to do and not say to keep peace with all people.

 It hadn't occurred to me that I was sacrificing who I really was, to please others.  It sorta snuck up on me.  I was watching a show in about 2004 called "Starting Over" and the life coach was trying to tell this woman that she wasn't genuine.  The girl was very insulted and was trying to prove that she was "doing" everything that the coach was requiring and didn't understand why she was saying that about being genuine.  The coach tried to describe it further, and finally she said, "You know those thoughts or opinions you have that you keep inside when someone is speaking, or acting, and you keep to yourself? That is what you genuinely feel and you need to be letting those out."

What??? Wow!  I think I am not fully genuine.  I thought as I watched.  From that moment on I gave permission to the Holy Spirit to help me find out who I really was.  I started asking Him to help me stretch in speaking out some of those things I actually think.

I remember a good example of how I used to be.  A friend of ours was sort of rhetorically saying, "I just can't seem to get the hard water stains off of the glass of my show doors."
As I listened to everything that she had tried, and hadn't been successful with, I thought, "That's weird that she doesn't know about vinegar." But didn't even think for a moment to speak out my suggestion.
Instead felt proud that I had already figured that out, and looked down on her for not knowing that yet.

I am embarrassed to even admit this as I write it, but, that's where I was.

I know that the biggest part of my growing up believing I should just obey and respect others, silenced me because I didn't want to ever be wrong, or out of line.  Fear of man became more of a power in me than who I really was.  I didn't know I could ask questions, or offer my opinion or advice, and it only furthered the gap between myself and relationship with others. I could never understand why people never got very close to me.  I had friends, but they never seemed to go as deeply as I would have liked.  Or I looked down on them because they didn't seem to want to be real, as I was so easily doing (strange deception).

All that to say, thank God He didn't leave me that way.  He called me out of my cocoon and showed me it was a safer place than I thought to be real and open and honest with others.  I have learned to ask questions, to not assume so many things. To learn from others.  To not have to have all the answers on my own.  To get more information, and come to a more realistic conclusion, including the person on my overall picture of who they were.  It has been so freeing and exhilarating to not always think the worst or take so personally things that are most often misunderstandings, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

I am enjoying, getting to be who I really am.  It's so much less stressful, and when I do make a mistake it feels so much more feasible to fix my mistakes instead of running, or wanting to blame someone else.  I get to be a grown up and own up to my imperfections. It feels wonderful.

I found God in my house!

My latest fun painting, I really enjoyed painting this, the butterflies are stickers :) It's sitting in my kitchen right now and it makes me so happy!

A few days ago Ian came in and said, "I'm bored Mama, what can I do?" I replied, "Did you have your time with God today?"
"ummm...no, yeah, I'll go do that now."
"I want you to go ahead and have some worship with Joel and help him practice worshiping and listening to God too."
They were excited but they wanted the door closed to the kitchen because they didn't want me to be "spying on them."

Fifteen minutes later, Ian came in all excited flashing an adorable Ian grin, and said he wanted to share about what he had seen.  He told me he saw Neptune on a lion in the sky.  I didn't even know who neptune was, but Ian did of course (he loves facts!).  So I asked him what he thought it meant, and he wasn't sure. I encouraged him to go and ask God what it meant.  He ran off with Joel on his tail.  Again he returned and said he saw a random person looking something up on wikipedia (I love how specificially God speaks to children)!  I told him that sometimes when I feel like Jesus is showing me something, I look up some of the things on wikipedia to let the natural speak of the invisible. He ran off all excited to see what he might find.  He returned a little disappointed, "There's so much about Neptune in the Roman mythology."
Well honey, how I do it is, I just read until something interesting stands out to me.
He ran off.
He came back all smiles, "Well the thing that stood out to me, was "the marriage of Heaven and earth."
I told him he should definitely write down what the Lord shows him so that he remembers how much God talks to him. He agreed.
Now I was even more excited!

So as I have been pondering this cool vision that Ian got, I have thought a lot about  how for so many years I had a tendency to separate the natural things from the spiritual things, only in the last couple years I have started seeing it from God's perspective. I had this wrong picture of being a Christian which separated me from the world in a more critical sense. Also things like separating "boring life things" from "exciting Spiritual things." I really didn't know that it was all related if I was a Christian.  I sort of passed up scriptures like:

1 Cor. 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it ALL for the glory of God."

^{Romans 1:20
 "}For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. "

I knew that I was supposed to have quiet times with the Lord and I wanted to have quiet times, I did enjoy them.  But I started to notice that I would feel guilty if I didn't get a chance to have a "quiet time" and then I would feel like I was failing as a Christian and wasn't putting God first etc...the more I thought about it the more I realized somehow I was separating my life from God. By compartmentalizing Him, He was at Church, in my quiet times,  in my prayer time with the kids, in my intercession time...you get the point.

Now many years later, getting set free from a religious spirit (testimony to come someday :)). I have really seen that tendency in many lives of others as well, and I want to help people see that it doesn't have to be that way. I was extremely blessed by a teaching "Precious Vs. Important" that Jason Hague recently shared at our Church, Christ's Center. He is very eloquent at presenting concepts and revelations in such a clear concise way.  I was so excited to to hear God bringing this revelation to others as well.
I have been trying to be more intentional in focusing in and fully being where I am, when I am doing what I am doing, whether it's laundry, dishes, prayer, reading, computer time, worship or whatever. I intentionally take a moment to thank the Holy Spirit for being with me, for making anything I do become so much more life giving and enjoyable.  I so quickly feel His sweet presence as I take a moment in whatever I am doing to fully embrace His presence.  I also find that I recognize a lot more ways that God speaks to me, and I am not so afraid of reading into symbolism, or embracing the simple ways He truly can reveal things to me, it's super exciting.  I feel so much more free in my relationship to God and see so much clearer, as He has been teaching me to embrace my present, and not always be thinking about the future, or my "destiny," or feeling like I failed in the past.  I am living my destiny and I am enjoying knowing that I am not missing out on "more important things."  God knew a huge season of my life would be raising my children and being a wife, and He also knows all the things He put inside of me that might come after my season of "Mama," but it doesn't mean I have to wait to let out all this passion burning inside of me, I do it at home all the time with my kids, with my husband, with my neighbors, in the grocery store, at the movies, EVERYWHERE!

I was so tickled when one of my dreams came true in 2008 and we would be moving to Redding, Ca, to attend Bethel church!  I was super excited to be involved in such an incredible move of God and I imagined I would want to be at every meeting and trying out everything they offered.  My husband even had to make sure that I understood I still had to be a Mom and his wife, I couldn't just disappear into "spirit land." I agreed. Well the funny thing was I found myself recognizing in those two and half years, how much God was the same God at my house as he was at Bethel Church.  I began having major encounters with the living God on my living room floor.  I also had the joy of joining a prophetic prayer group of MOMS and wives, who would get together and just love on God, and experience His manifest presence in their home!  One of the biggest things I learned was how much God was real in my home and in my family and in my marriage.  We got to take a lot of great things from Bethel as well, but this was the biggest one for me, we fully took God into our home and our family, no more leaving Him at Church or in the room, or in the prayer group. 

The Crush grows stronger, Ruslan and Jessica (Part 2)

Our Team at another orphanage being built

Our awesome hippy skirts and t-shirt ensemble

So I went to my leader and asked for advice, I told her that I liked Ruslan as a friend and wanted to get to know him more, but that I didn’t want to confuse him or lead him on, cuz what if he wasn’t “the one”( I was a bit afraid of making a mistake – I wanted God to tell me what to do, I didn't know if I could trust my heart?).  I loved hanging out with him, but it was now confirmed that he did like me more than a friend, so I didn’t want to lead him on, but I didn’t want to stop getting closer to him.  I didn’t know the future, so I wanted to keep moving forward but I was confused, I felt afraid that I might hurt him if he didn’t turn out to be the one I married.   My leader strongly suggested that I needed to close any doors of "false hope" for Ruslan so I wouldn't be falsely leading him on.  I decided I would write him a letter to clarify things.  At first I wrote that I really liked him as a friend, and that I wanted to continue to get to know him and just see what the future had in store.  I gave the letter to my leader to see if it was clear enough.  She read the letter and said, it left too much of an open door, I needed to make it very clear (She was a VERY sweet leader, but I think maybe she had a few fears herself about relationships not wanting people to get hurt as well). So I rewrote that part and basically said "you are great I like you a lot, but I NEVER see us together in the future." (Ouch! I know ) You would think he would have given up on me forever at that point, well he almost did.  I  thought I had lost my chance “forever” (there’s that dumb word again, that almost ruined my chance with him sheesh)! 

Basically I gave him the note and the next time I saw him he didn’t look happy, I said hi in passing on the sidewalk and he didn’t even answer, my heart just plopped into my shoes.  I felt a little sick to my stomach, what had I done???  I felt horrible.

Well as you can imagine he was devastated, especially cuz my actions showed more interest than that. I was a bit confused myself.  The weeks passed with a lot of turmoil inside, for me, and questions to God.  I tried to still be friendly with Ruslan but he was very emotionless with me and I felt like he was only being cordial.  One thing I noticed right away, was he really did choose to stop caring completely about anything I thought of him; ironically this revealed another side to him I hadn’t seen yet.  He was so much more relaxed and funny he wasn’t at all nervous or trying to act his “best,” which of course, I found even more attractive, this new confidence.  I could tell I was really frustrating him as I continued to be friendly with him, because come to find out he was thinking:

“Why in the world is she now acting like she cares about me when she made it extremely clear that she NEVER sees us together in the future?!”  

So he continued through out the next few months to practically ignore me unless I approached him, and I had a really great friend who I had gotten really close to named Jeni, and the three of us would often hang out, but Ruslan would always give her ALL the attention it was really starting to get to me. 

“Lord, did I truly ruin my chance of ever having anything with this guy?  Is he falling for my friend now?  Were his feelings for me no big deal, and now he ALREADY likes someone else, who is the complete OPPOSITE of me!??”

I had many nights crying out to God asking if I could talk to Ruslan about my growing feelings and yet, I never felt that would help anything except for him to think I was not sincere, or had no idea what I wanted, or was just playing with his heart.  So I kept praying and giving it back to God asking Him to give me another chance to make things right, so that maybe someday we could see if we were meant to be together.

Our team of 17, traveled to Mexico, Vicente Guerrero, together on an outreach and had such a great time, once again I was in the van sitting next to Ruslan having so much more of a crush on him by now.  Seeing his very playful side telling stories of his life growing up and making jokes with the team mates.  I also saw that competitive side come out again when we played volleyball together one evening at the Los Angeles YWAM base, enroute to Mexico.  He was getting pretty visibly angry as he spiked the volleyball at me on the opposing team as they were beginning to lose.  I knew the frustration had a little more to do with than volleyball. 

In Mexico I watched what a really hard worker he was and what a great attitude he had about hard work and serving others, I was even more impressed.  We also went on one outreach to some poor children who had almost no food and we gave them, as a treat, a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of powdered milk, I held the huge peanut butter canister and Ruslan dug it out by the spoonfuls.  I was wondering how silly he must have thought I looked in my mandatory hippy skirt, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  We were to dress as modest as possible, no tank-tops, no jeans or shorts, they needed to be long dresses or skirts.  I thought it was so funny how much he hated getting “dirty” he couldn’t stand all the dirt in Mexico, and yet, he ended up digging a well in a huge pit of dirt for an orphanage and shoveling huge piles of dirt to bring to other locations, and he still was hardly ever complaining.  I also loved how his hair would get so full of dust it became wiry and would stick up all over the place.  

My future husband working hard ;)

There's me in the back with Ruslan!

Ruslan cracking up some team mates

Peanut butter delight! :)

Well digging

  

Yes I was absolutely falling for him.  I thought it wasn’t that obvious but judging by the comments from the team members later, they said that they always joked about the growing relationship between Ruslan and I, that we both thought wasn’t so obvious, haha, love is blind is guess.

more to come...

I am not rejectable

I  didn't know what true freedom felt like til I tasted it.

I didn't realize I still dealt with rejection issues until God began to reveal this issue again and then literally showed me that a spirit had attached itself to this wound in me and was confirming this lie in every way it possibly could.  A few examples being when someone said no to me it felt so much deeper than just a simple no, or if I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable feeling and got no response or the "wrong" response, it freaked me out I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, like I had done something wrong, and I suddenly wanted to take it back, NOW! I even felt it in my family sometimes which surprised me because I had never really doubted that my family loved me, but being from a large family you just can't personally connect with every sibling on the same level (as we have become adults), as much as I desire that.  When a sibling would come to visit and they didn't let me know or I heard it through the grapevine, I would question if maybe they didn't wanna see me or maybe they didn't care about me the same way  they did the others.   But I felt trapped because I didn't want them to feel responsible for making me feel that way because I knew it was my problem, but I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling either, and I didn't know how to ask questions either, so I would drop hints or be sarcastic instead of sharing my heart.  That of course only brought confusion on both ends.

Sooo anyway, I went to this conference (approx. 6 months ago) about deliverance from strongholds and the Lord showed me that I had a spirit of rejection, so some of the prayer team prayed over me and told that spirit to leave and I agreed and also told it to go, and after some rather intense travailing and crying and yelling, I was free! I could feel this very heavy weight lift off my shoulders, and I just felt so light and airy.  It was a very refreshing feeling.  Since that day I have seen major changes in my everyday life! In the way I relate to my husband, my children, my friendships, my relationships, my creativity, even as I have started taking ballet, I suddenly realized something felt so different this time around (I took it 3 years ago). I feel so free to flow and enjoy and let go of my mind and move with the movements, not worrying about how quickly I do or don't pick up the techniques.  I don't feel the tenseness or strain of trying so hard to do it exact or the fear of messing up, or looking silly for not knowing if I am doing what is required from the teacher.  I am so thankful for this freedom and so thankful for joy and enjoyment!

"Me! Me! Me!"

  So continuing on with my testimony from last time I wrote, I have gotten more confirmation.  I don’t fully understand why some things just take a certain amount of times before they actually sink in, but thank God it’s FINALLY sinking in, being a Wife and Mom is my utmost important dream, destiny, accomplishment, etc…(after my relationship with God of course). It may not be what I am ALWAYS going to do the rest of my life, but right now this is my main focus, and time consuming ministry, that I need to be putting all of my heart into, and I am really enjoying it, in a whole new way. I would say this revelation has been getting through over the last 5 years or so, but it sure has been a process, ups and downs, and lots of forgetting and needing to be reminded again and again.  One of the main reasons being, the onslaught of attack and NOT much affirmation of the value and importance of being a wife and Mothering. In our society I would say it has been long forgotten how important it truly is, our culture basically screams, “Me! Me! Me! And how can “I” be successful, how can “I” be famous or count for something, how can “I” be fulfilled, how can “I” live my fullest potential, and not let anyone steal that from me?  But in the kingdom Jesus said, “if you want to be great, become a servant to all.”  I have thoroughly seen that I fell completely for the lie, and it can snag you even in the Christian life, cuz it’s the same thing it just uses “christianese:” “I want to live my destiny, I want to do God’s will, not focus on menial tasks at home, (cleaning house, washing dishes, wiping bums, feeding kids…) I want to be walking in “my” calling, “my” ministry,  I need to save the world, not be at home wasting “my” precious time! I need to get out of this time wasting job so I can go evangelize (meanwhile your co-workers go on not even knowing you are a Christian).

 

Well at church Sunday, Jason Hague, our associate Pastor was speaking on discipling and what does that really look like, as he gave the description of what that was: a man (Jesus) having 12 other people follow him everywhere he went, learning from His every move as he lived out loud, sometimes explaining and training.  It HIT me! Duh I am totally discipling my 4 disciples consistently and constantly every day!  And I love teaching about the Lord, not just in words but in actions.  So as I have fully embraced my “ministry” I am seeing a new found joy in the daily moments, homeschooling, playing, being silly, spending time with God, cooking, washing dishes, little chats with the kids, walks, food shopping etc…The other day I was reminded how long it had been since I danced and there sat my never ending pile of dishes, so I put on my ipod shuffle and started wildly washing dishes spinning around the kitchen kicking wildly in the air, I ended up out on the patio dancing around just fully enjoying the task at hand. I had a blast, and the dishes were almost done!  It’s amazing how much we can miss if we aren’t just in the moment giving our full attention to what we are doing, I have been stuck in the “next task” or future for so long, I have MISSED many, many, many important moments, and lessons along the way, but it’s never too late to start so I am starting again, and when I forget, I am starting again, and again and again!  There really is a war in the heavenlies for our TIME.