Sharing my process OUT LOUD. :)

When we first had the plan to move to Eugene Oregon, it was all quite sudden. As in we decided a month before we moved! We were in a tough place in our home business, we were about to lose our house to foreclosure in CA, we had moved to Redding 2 1/2 years prior, (because of a wish of mine for 10 years that Ruslan granted me), and Ruslan blurted out the idea of moving to Oregon. I kinda laughed and then saw the seriousness in his eyes. 
"Oh you are serious?" I pried further. 

So we prayed looked at our situation and saw that we really didn't have anything holding us to Redding, (well except that I personally wasn't quite done yet), but I knew it was my turn to follow Ruslan's desire, He always wanted to try Oregon, and he kinda just wanted to try something completely new. As we prayed at different times one of the things the Lord spoke to us was that we would be learning more about "community." I thought that rather odd, coming from a family of 10 children, I thought I knew community quite well!

Here we are 2 1/2 years into our lives in Eugene Oregon and I completely see how I had NOT known true community.  First of all, props to Christ's Center Church for fully embracing and loving on this struggling family as we began to rebuild from what felt like brick one, of our foundation in finances and direction.  We felt so loved and supported as we let people into our process.  I started recognizing that one of my past ideas of letting people in was getting through the struggle and sharing the testimony of my victory AFTERWARDS.  So we started being more vulnerable and sharing our feelings of despair, frustration, losing hope, lost vision, and just plain anger at certain situations.  We saw how people began to completely surround us and bare our burdens and pray with us, give us gifts, offered groceries sometimes, spoke hope, and believed in us, even provided Christmas presents our first year! We were being blessed beyond measure, and we felt so loved, and NOT ALONE. 

One of my big issues before a lot of my healing processes; through SOZO inner healing, and God's love melting down my walls, was thinking that I needed to always figure everything out on my own, and that I needed to be perfect, it was a tough standard to live up to, and very lonely.  I have watched others reach out beyond their struggles and love on us, and it has taught me so much more about giving love as well.  I didn't recognize how that lie I was living under also made me quite selfish, cuz it was all about me figuring it out on my own, so I always had to be looking out for myself. I was so blessed by the three photographer's in my church who fully came along side me and poured into my business as if it was their own.  All since of competition and fear completely dissipated, I was embarrassed to have even had those feelings. Jaymie Starr, Anne Nunn, and Cassie Wicks, thank you, thank you, thank you! My eyes are being opened to all those around me, and I want to see how I too can help others.

I am not rejectable

I  didn't know what true freedom felt like til I tasted it.

I didn't realize I still dealt with rejection issues until God began to reveal this issue again and then literally showed me that a spirit had attached itself to this wound in me and was confirming this lie in every way it possibly could.  A few examples being when someone said no to me it felt so much deeper than just a simple no, or if I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable feeling and got no response or the "wrong" response, it freaked me out I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, like I had done something wrong, and I suddenly wanted to take it back, NOW! I even felt it in my family sometimes which surprised me because I had never really doubted that my family loved me, but being from a large family you just can't personally connect with every sibling on the same level (as we have become adults), as much as I desire that.  When a sibling would come to visit and they didn't let me know or I heard it through the grapevine, I would question if maybe they didn't wanna see me or maybe they didn't care about me the same way  they did the others.   But I felt trapped because I didn't want them to feel responsible for making me feel that way because I knew it was my problem, but I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling either, and I didn't know how to ask questions either, so I would drop hints or be sarcastic instead of sharing my heart.  That of course only brought confusion on both ends.

Sooo anyway, I went to this conference (approx. 6 months ago) about deliverance from strongholds and the Lord showed me that I had a spirit of rejection, so some of the prayer team prayed over me and told that spirit to leave and I agreed and also told it to go, and after some rather intense travailing and crying and yelling, I was free! I could feel this very heavy weight lift off my shoulders, and I just felt so light and airy.  It was a very refreshing feeling.  Since that day I have seen major changes in my everyday life! In the way I relate to my husband, my children, my friendships, my relationships, my creativity, even as I have started taking ballet, I suddenly realized something felt so different this time around (I took it 3 years ago). I feel so free to flow and enjoy and let go of my mind and move with the movements, not worrying about how quickly I do or don't pick up the techniques.  I don't feel the tenseness or strain of trying so hard to do it exact or the fear of messing up, or looking silly for not knowing if I am doing what is required from the teacher.  I am so thankful for this freedom and so thankful for joy and enjoyment!

Just Copying Jesus

I have been thinking more and more about what it looks like to "disciple" my children. Normally I wouldn't think of raising my kids as such a "spiritual" thing as discipling (silly me) but one day I was listening to a teaching by Jason Hague at our church and he was defining what discipleship looked like:

 Of Course we think of Jesus, and the 12 disciples, and what did that look like? 

Well, he practically lived with them, he ate with them, he hung out with them almost every day for long hours at a time and he lived life in front of them.  Sometimes correcting them; like not to call fire down on people, not to think of yourself better than others (first in the Kingdom of Heaven, sitting at the right hand of Jesus), not to only rejoice in casting out demons but that their names were written in the book of life, he loved on them, spoke life changing encouragement over them, led by example, served them etc... I think you get the point.  

Suddenly it started sounding so familiar, Oh my goodness! I have 4 disciples living right beneath my nose, that I can be equipping now! Not some day when I have arrived and am teaching to the nations, or conferences, or on the pulpit, or on the streets evangelizing SOMEDAY...but now!  The Lord has entrusted 4 precious leaders of the next generation into my very hands.  

So with my mindset changed, I have had a new value for what I do, and for these precious little ones.  I have always valued them, but not in this way, it's a very important different way of thinking.  Instead of hurrying through reading to my son, so I can get onto more important things, or not wanting to stop and listen to an argument cuz I need to hurry onto something more important, instead of needing to teach the kids about the Lord by teaching and words alone, I all the more understand they are watching me.  When I want to spend time with the Lord I do, sometimes in the living room sprawled out on the floor with worship music playing as the kids come and pile on top of me.  Or just speaking out loud my thankfulness for the beauty of creation pointing out God's love in all that He created for us.  Sharing my feelings and processes out loud with the kids more intentionally instead of only processing it inside. Showing my excitement and sharing what God has been revealing to me in life.  Even just talking to them about my day or feeling emotional etc... apologizing more quickly when I make mistakes and have temper tantrums in front of the kids...

I have really been enjoying this new thinking! Sorry it took me so long to get it. But thankfully there was always grace in my learning years.  Love truly covers a multitude of sins. Phewww! :)

So